What Made Me Smile Today?

- washing the dishes and singing along to Beauty and the Beast

- seeing one of my kids while I walked tot he Co-op

- walking to work and humming along to The Sims 2 soundtrack

- heckling my co-worker all evening (he doesn't mind)

- my roommates coming home

U is for....

Unsettled.

I've been feeling really distracted--moreso than usual--and adrift. I have the feeling of restlessness that took my feet 3000 miles form Orlando, from home....

I don't know if Seattle is for me anymore. I don't know if it ever was for me to begin with.....

My Heart beats in the South and I feel like I need to be closer to the equator, or at least farther away from here.

I'm running to get away form that feeling, but I know it's all in me, so there's no running at all really.  I just have to sit and sort it out. Again. Because I never seem to find the bottom of this box/chest/container.

Fathoms deep.....

Late-Night Bus Ride Home

I should cut myself some slack, cause this shit is hard.

I tried space, time, distance, distraction...

And it always, always comes back to this.

So I'm not going to resist anymore.

This person is going to be a part of my Life for a long time, because it seems my Heart isn't ready to let go

It's going somewhere, I just don't know where yet.

Another Change of Pace

There's something about the snow that I love.

It might be the fact that it muffles the sounds of this little town and I can hear the song of the birds

It might be that the Sun reflecting off the sheets of white almost reminds me of the brightness and warmth of Summer

It might be the fact that I feel more inclined to go outside, because I like to watch my footprints in the snow

It might be the careful intentionality with which I have to tread the sidewalks

something like that....

Dilemmas of a Walking Poet

I haven't been writing as many poems, though not for lack of composing them.

I find the height of my composition occurs when I'm walking--to work, around town, or home.  Unfortunately, this is also the time when I don't have pen and paper available.

-____-

Sometimes I fel like I'm losing touch, because my words slip away and with them the emotion of that very moment.

Dilemmas of a walking poet.  :/

Calyx

I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before.

My calyx is hurting.  The point of origin for my hair growth.  It's itchy and achy and I feel like cutting all of my hair off.  :((

Maybe I have a fungus.  This, despite the coconut oil and tea tree oil I massage into my sad, itchy scalp.  I must just be a prime host for fungus.

-____-

Maps

Looking at a map of Orlando makes me homesick. I spent so much time plotting/scheming/wishing I was somewhere else.  And when I finally am, I forget about it, except to compare this sad city to the humid vibrancy of Home.

Looking at a map of Orlando, and I'm revisiting my childhood. Remembering the streets I use to walk, the places I used to know, would ride the bus to and from.

Looking at a map or Orlando, I can point out where my relatives and loved ones live. It's amazing how much I haven't forgotten.

Looking at a map or Orlando, it was over five minutes of reminiscing before I remembered my mother doesn't live on Thalia Dr anymore....  Eleven years and I don't have her current address, so I can't find her on the map.

Looking at a map or Orlando, and wondering if I will ever find Home again....

A Change of Pace

I want to blog about how happy I am right now.  Because too often I let these moments pass by without documenting them.

I went to the chiropractor and my back pain, shoulder pain, neck pain, and headaches have slipped off the radar. I think I went from a constant 6+/10 at rest to a 3/10 during activity.  So fucken excited about being able to focus and to also have energy. I feel so productive.

One of the folks I met at the QPOCC 2012 has this badass idea of a mobile hair salon to promote self-esteem and self-expression for queer youth.  I'm still in awe at how badass Madin is and so fucken grateful we ran into each other in LA and actually clicked.  It was kind of like the conference was getting int he way of hanging out with them.  And now I'm planning a trip to LA in the near-ish future.  I'm so stoked to see them again!!

I'm also feeling really happy and recharged after spending the evening with Parks and Muffin.  They're both so great and being around them is going to happen more.  I also like their Noodle, esp now that he's stopped attacking me every time I move.

I'm in the process of writing a much needed letter.  It's one of the scariest things I've partaken in lately, and it's also the most needed for my mental, emotional, and spiritual healing.

Yeah, happy day.  And I have another chiropractor appt in the morning. Never been this excited to go to the Drs.

:D

Chronic Pain

I've had back pain for the last three months. During this time, I've definitely come to realise how much pain drains an individual.  It takes my energy, zaps my endurance, distracts me and leaves me physically exhausted.  

And this is only from three months!  I can't imagine have to endure this my entire life. My compassion for folks has skyrocketed.

Non-Threatening

On days like today, I'll be getting dressed, and I'll look down at the clothes I'm putting on and remember that society has attached a gender to these pieces of fabric, male

And then I'll think to myself 'Black male,' and I'll think 'non-threatening' because it seems like so many of the white folks I interact with get all stirred up about how I look like a Black male.

And I get really pissed off at my socialisation that makes me think 'non-threatening' because I have to--in order to keep my job, to get service in stores--I have to smile and use White American vernacular english and move my body in certain ways that make white people look at me and think 'non-threatening'.

And it just makes me so fucken tired, and want to crawl back into bed and pretend that my blankets provide me shelter from the societal shitstorm I live everyday as a Black trans* person.

But instead I'll make this post and make myself a turkey sandwich and try to forget about these words I've just typed.

Connexion

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks about this... connexion I share with that One Particular Person.  It's one of those raw bonds that just Was, and over time I've been able to develop and control it. And now it's... kind of got a mind of it's own. Six months ago, it was probably one of the best things in my life, AND six months later... I'm rethinking what it represents, how it influences my life, and what it all means.

And I'm wondering how much I need this connexion anymore, and how much control I have in whether it remains....

Acrostics: Monday 1 Oct 2012

Did you see that gluten-induced temper tantrum in the Bigelow Park this evening? Here's what it said:

A is for annoyed
U is for undisciplined
R is for restless
I is for incorrigible
E is for exaggerated
N is for noisy

No gluten. Firmly putting my foot down, or else my roommates might stage an intervention....  -____-

Roots

I was talking with a friend the other night and the topic of roots came up.  This person has one of those surnames that's difficult to pronounce and dripping with culture, and they told me they're hesitant to/have mixed feelings about it.  Something about not feeling connected to their roots and not feeling ownership over their surname.  I let them talk it out, and I did not and do not agree. I also spoke with another white person who had similar beliefs--they could trace their surname to a country and/r culture, but wasn't actually taking ownership.

I dunno, maybe it's me, but if I could trace back my actual ancestors' surnames and find out what area they were taken from, I'd be all up in those genealogy records.  But, of course, this is all hypothetical, cause you know, transatlantic slavery and all that.

And you know, when white folks who can trace back their ancestry don't because 'it doesn't feel like theirs,' but are so quick to snatch up the cultures of people of colour and wear them like they own it.... No pity and very little compassion.

For the record, I'm not saying my friend is a cultural appropriator. I know the trolls already lining up to spew some acidic shit....

Candy

Candy is not good for my constitution.  I tend to gorge, rather than consume.  Let's take today for instance.

Soem folks from some department came by and presented us with a basketful of candy as a thank you for being awesome-amazing Orientation guides.  I should have walked away from the basket. I should have, maybe even taken my behind home.

Nope.

I proceeded to find 95% of the Milky Way Midnights, and eat them all. I even threw in the Fun size Snickers for good measure.  In all, I probably consumed the equivalent of two full candy bars.

I'm fairly certain those delicious candies contain gluten, and more sugar than i've had in one sitting for the entire Summer.

Poor food choice indeed.

Racism: What Does It Mean?

I find simply deliciouslthings on Tumblr that I will preserve into infamy on this blog.  This piece is form zoracreation.

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Racism is not just about color. I repeat. Racism is not just about color. When we tell these clueless folks on Tumblr that racism is prejudice + power, we should break down that power into easy-to-comprehend nuggets for better retention:

Prejudice: the ideology that Group B is inherently superior to Group A, and having biases about Group A simply for being Group A.

How is this prejudice supported and substantiated?

Colorism: the practice of believing that one is superior to another on the basis of skintone and then creating a hierarchy based on the quality of the person’s color. Many people believe that racism is only discriminating against someone because they are of a different color, but this is just one aspect of it. Colorism and prejudice become everything else down the line.

Ethnocentrism: the ideology that all ethnic cultures outside of your own are of lesser value and importance than your own and that yours is of utmost relevance to the world. This includes every part of a culture, such as language, behavior, religious beliefs, customs, folkways and cuisine.

Vigilantism: the act of Group B carrying out hate crimes against Group A, via social ills such as domestic terrorism, tarring-and-feathering and rape (ex.: Ku Klux Klan)

Racialized Sexism: the belief that the genders of one’s own ethnic group/race are superior to the genders of another group. This can be reinforced by pitting the genders from both racial groups against one another to create a hierarchy of sexual and ethnic privilege, a combined weapon. Within racialized sexism, certain punishments and rewards are put in place to make sure that people of the oppressed group, Group A, can never rise above their place in the hierarchy. Example? It was perfectly acceptable for a White man to rape an Indigenous woman because Indigenous women were not considered human and thus not women.

 Only White women were considered human and worth saving. For men to be the victims, it has to come from a place of repression, not oppression, because men are repressed by the patriarchy rather than oppressed. Example? White folks created the myth that Black men were lascivious half-devil monsters who wished to rape White women, so the consequences of a Black man even daring to so much as look at a White woman would mean instant death. Also, a White woman had the power to immediately cry “rape!” at his expense, even if he: (a) didn’t make an advance and (b) was being molested by her in the first place

Number one, he’s Black so that’s already a strike against him. Number two, he can’t claim “rape” because the patriarchy says that: (a) men can’t be vulnerable and the racism says that (b) Black people are not human and cannot be victims of anything they didn’t deserve. The same story goes for every race/ethnicity of man and woman in the hierarchy.

This kind of thinking also allows people in Group B to believe that they should have willing & ready sexual access to the bodies of Group A at all times, and if Group A denies them this right, it is “reverse racism”. It’s not reverse racism. Group A just don’t like your racist ass and wants you to stop turning their ethnic background into a Halloweeny fetish.

Supremacism: a more concentrated form of prejudice (which is passive), supremacism is an active philosophy that advocates for the legalized defamation of other ethnic groups to be beneath one’s own on the social ladder. Supremacism is often carried out publicly and loudly and is meant to shape the minds of the supposed superior race into believing these teachings through various mediums. Some mediums of where supremacy is used are in familiar ones such as film, television and literature.

Genocide Culture: genocide culture is when you take supremacism to a more violent, consequential level. If Group B deliberately raids, rapes, destroys and exterminates folks in Group A, this is genocide culture. This is ethnic cleansing. Genocide culture becomes genocide denial down the years after full oppression has taken a foothold. Examples of genocide culture are: the Holocaust, the Eugenics Movement, the Trail of Tears.

Institutionalized Discrimination: the act of denying persons of the undesirable group equal access into social facilities, or making it intensely more difficult for persons of Group A to maintain sovereignty in the world because Group B denies them equal treatment. This can happen anywhere, anyplace & anytime, but when discrimination is legalized, such as in Apartheid Laws of South Africa, it is then institutionalized exploitation. Discrimination will undeniably have a negative effect on the class system as well, because climbing the social ladder will be far more difficult on purpose. Even when legalized discrimination is taken down, cultural discrimination still takes place, and is strengthened by biases in the collective cultural consciousness of the more powerful racial group, Group B.

Hate Speech:  Anyone can practice hate speech, but the cultural and social severity of said hate speech is conditional on the ethnicities of the persons in question. Prime examples of hate speech within racist contexts are ethnic slurs such as: nigger, squaw, wetback, slanty-eye, etc. These words come directly from the institutions that have sanctioned  racist acts a normal way of life. Should the people these words are directed at, Group A, then begin to use words against Group B, this is not racism, this is hate speech. The associations between words like “nigger” and “spic” carry more weight than the associations between words like “honky”. Although it isn’t nice to call anyone an ethnic slur, for a privileged person of Group B to deliberately use such words against Group A holds more consequences. Such terms cannot be removed from their oppressive contexts, especially since the racism in the society is still ongoing.

Privilege-Granting or Favoritism: Because all of society is arrayed against Group A, Group B then reaps the benefits of this by being allowed to be the center of everything in the society. People of Group B will be granted special permissions for everyday things like job offerings and representations in the media, because Group B is the standard by which everyone must measure themselves in the society. This thing, called privilege, seeps into EVERY single aspect of the society, even in places where people of Group A & Group B may have some oppression in common, such as being Women or LGBT. And even though they may share this oppression in common, people of Group B will still maintain their power because of their race. As a reaction to this, Group A is forced to either: (a) be eternally subservient to the wishes of Group B or (b) create their own safe spaces and niche groups where their community can be uplifted (HBCUs, Tribal Colleges, PoC organizations, etc.)

Conditionalism: when oppressed groups within the oppressor group (Group B) are discriminated against and dehumanized. Example? The oppression of Anglo-Americans towards the Irish. Conditionalism manifests when oppressed groups within the oppressor group are given a choice: (a) accept the terms of their fate or (b) work towards freeing themselves of their lower status. How do they work towards freeing themselves of their lower status? By oppressing Group A. Example? Irish folks were not considered “white”, but “white negroes” and were seen equally as horrid as Blacks, but Irish folks were able to achieve their Whiteness by performing Blackface at the expense of Black peoples.

Exploitation: part of discrimination, exploitation is the art and science of manipulating the society in order to make things extremely difficult for Group A’s success to flourish. This often manifests itself in places where people in Group A are forced into substandard living conditions because of laws that prohibit them from making the same successes as people in Group B. Even if a person from Group A “makes it”, his or her success will be constantly threatened by circles of power that seek to: (a) discredit him or her, (b) defame him or her. Also, should the successful person in Group A ever seek to help his or her own people out of their abject poverty, this will be seen as a threat to the stability of the order (and it is). The life-line of the success is always conditional on the ability to be consumed by the dominant culture.

ALL OF THESE PRACTICES ARE STILL IN ORDER IN SOME FORM TODAY AND EVERYONE IN GROUP A, ALSO KNOWN AS PEOPLE OF COLOR, ARE STILL SUFFERING FROM THE HISTORICAL AND PRESENT-DAY NEGATIVE BACKLASHES FROM CENTURIES, EVEN MILLENNIA, OF OPPRESSION BY OPPOSING, POWERFUL FORCES. THIS SORT OF OPPRESSION GOES UNNOTICED BY PEOPLE IN GROUP B BECAUSE THEY NEVER HAVE TO THINK ABOUT BEING JUDGED BY A DOMINANT POWER BECAUSE OF THEIR RACE BECAUSE THEY ARE PART OF THE DOMINANT POWER. AND RECEIVE ITS BENEFITS. RACISM IS NOT OVER. IT DID NOT MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR WHEN BARACK OBAMA WAS ELECTED.

IN FACT, IT GOT WORSE. MUCH, MUCH WORSE. DON’T BELIEVE ME? ASK PEOPLE OF COLOR ABOUT OUR EXPERIENCES. LOOK UP STATISTICAL ANALYSIS FROM THE AMERICAN CIVIL LIBERTIES UNION AND AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL. KNOW YOUR PRIVILEGE. TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR PRIVILEGE. DECOLONIZE YOUR MIND. FREE YOURSELF FROM THIS BULLSHIT. AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY.

*sips tea*

A is for Agitated

My mind is bored.  Reading doesn't do it. The interwebs and it's infinite distractions aren't doing it.  Which means it's time.

Time to start writing again.  It's always the start that proves the most difficult....

I...

I've been cruising Wilson's dictionary for the better part of the last hour, trying to find an appropriate word that begins with I for an acrostic poem I'm composing for Colour Me Queer.  It's far more difficult than I anticipated....  -___-

Also, when I have there great writing ideas during that in-between place of sleeping and wakefulness, I need to quit being so lazy and write my ideas down.

One day....

Exhaustion

It's over.  It's finally done.  I've reached my limit.

I'm sitting ehre int he dining room way to tired to even get out of this chair.  My knee is aching, my lower back is in knots and my shoulders... let's not go there.  My body is a direct reflection of all the pent up... stress and anxiety this Summer has caused.

It's time to start the healing process, and the first step is getting some sleep.  The second is making those Dr appointments, to save what's left of my shoulders.  And the third is to camp out in the Sauna and the Sun. My body craves heat and UV rays.

Three days and counting....

Libras

I feel like Libras present themselves on my radar when there is some lesson for me to learn.   At the moment, I haeve four floating around, which makes me eager and also fearful about what the next step is....

Slacker

I've been slacking tis Summer on growing my awareness in the areas I hold privilege.  Yes, Tumlr is great to highlight them, but I need to do much more of my own digging.  I find my days are spend being appalled at the ignorance of racist, homophobes, transphobes and the like.  And it makes me wonder who is rolling their eyes at me when it comes to my (lack of) knowledge around issues of immigration, Western privilege, thin privilege, etc.

Late-Night Wanderings Home

Drunken words are sober thoughts; listen carefully.

---------

Sometimes I really wonder at Chance, and how closely it operates with Fate.  Last night was a collision of the two.  I went to a party with certain expectations, which was probably exactly why they didn't come to pass....  :shrugs:

And something I wasn't expecting to happen was to have a deep conversation about cultural differences in intimate relationships with a white woman, of all people.  Listening to other people's views is always intriguing--sometimes infuriating--and makes me appreciate the fact that a little bit of wine can ease our guard down enough to let it out.

Humans are so interesting.

Migranes

Ever since I was diagnosed with having migraines, I've been keeping a mental tab on when I get them, what's going on and their duration.  I've been getting them more frequently, since starting this job.  No surprise there.  You try spending 35+ hrs/week around a bunch of white cis dude-bros and see what your mental state is like.  /sneer  Anyway.....

This afternoon I had the opp to let out a bit of work-related steam, which proved really healing.  I also asked two burning questions that had been buzzing around my head and --unbeknownst to me--building pressure for the past two weeks.  And it suddenly made sense:  these migraines that I get at work, are all due to a lack of communication.  This means writing it out, singing to a toilet, ranting to P-Newt, or having a conversation to one of my bosses--I have to get it out, or die.

Lies

Sometimes I wonder if my withholding the truth would equate to a lie.  But then, is it really a lie if self-preservation is involved...?

Fear

Composed on a 20-minute walk

---------

I have this fear; fear of failure, and it's causing a massive stagnation.  I've been really frustrated lately, with almost everything in my life.  And it struck me, as I turnt onto Bigelow St, that I don't have to be here.  I can leave.  Yes, it will be hard and will take a long period of adjustment, but if I was raised in the overtly racist South and somehow managed to survive two years here in the pseudo-Liberal Pacific NorthWest, I figure I can do it almost anywhere. I get this one lifetime--I'm not counting on conscious reincarnation--so I need to seize the opportunities that are presented.  I can do anything, because I have all the time in the world and, conversely, I have none at all.

Why should I continue to let this Fear be paralytic?  Why can't I convert this emotion into a catalyst to make me a more productive person?  I always feel that I have a finite amount of energy to dedicate to activities; this mindset is limiting.  I should.. broaden my landscape, and maybe tap into a few Black feminists for some guidance.  ;)

Silver Lining

Working for my current employer has helped me to further develop the skill of spotting bullshit and keeping my mouth shut in the face of bullshit.  Aaaaaaaand, it's helped me off the clock as well!!  Talk about transferable shill.  Too bad it can't go on my resume.  -__-

Taste of Mortality

(Mostly) Composed Wednesday, 11 July 2012

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Two Sundays ago, I was involved in three bike accidents.

The first was caused by my own stupidity, and I paid for it, with a twisted shoulder, a cut finger, a scraped calf.  I've never actually tumbled off my bike in the... two accidents I've had since I started riding a bike.  It wasn't as bad as  it could have been.  IF the soreness at the base of my skull was any indication, wearing my helmet definitely saved me a more serious cranial injury.  What smarted the most, was guilt of having caused the entire accident and hurting a friend.  :/

The second was a driver's fault, when she failed to use her turn signal and I managed to stop myself with my front brake--the downside was I also slammed my left knee into coarse gravel.  I'm still feeling that injury.  What really shook me up was the casual recklessness of others

The third involved the serious injury of a friend, though they're well enough now.  At the time though, it was all I could do to remain calm in a situation completely out of my control.  The only thing that kept me rooted was channeling the Strength of my mother; she always manages to keep a cool head when shit gets real, and it was fucken real that afternoon.  It was a few days later that I learnt later someone else I know (who's quickly finding a place in my Heart) suffered brain damage in his bike crash, a few days before.

Blood and Brains.  These accidents remind me that nothing is permanent and that tomorrow people I Love and Care about may not be here. I may not be here.  How would it be if they didn't know and I never got the chance to tell them?  Could I live with the regret of having held in my words and emotions for rear of rejection, embarrassment? Reciprocity?

Reciprocity & Care

Sometimes, I feel this is an unending inner dialogue....

---------

I have a lot of people I know, most of them are acquaintances, some of them are friends because we've managed to establish a level of intimacy.  A few of those friends have my trust, but even within that select group, I have even fewer I'd actually ask for help from.  And I wonder where that stems from.

Maybe it's because I always offer people help, I expect folks to know me well enough and pay attention to my cues enough to offer before I need to ask.  Like if someone  know is in a tough situation, I imagine what my needs and wants would be, and I go from there. Is it because I'm really thoughtful, or are others are unintentionally thoughtless?  Maybe the folks around me aren't as observant as I am?  Or maybe I'm that unreadable?  Am I too expectant and assumptive? Demanding? :/

Maybe I have this anticipatory response in nurturing others because whenever I was unwell and my Maisy took care of me, she responded to my needs before they even arose. Food, drink, potty breaks, medicine.  She made certain things were within reach and had me on such a tight schedule that I never had to ask.  Maybe this care and attentiveness has made me super-conscious of how to care for others.  Maybe I was spoiled by her great bedside manner.

And maybe I'm super cranky cause it's been a rough couple of months and I feel mentally and emotionally depleted, and then these accidents happened yesterday.  ... And maybe I just really miss my Maisy and the amazing way she took care of me.

Distance

Today I logged into FB and looked at the goings-on of my friends.  And I felt this weird alienation, like we have nothing in common and I don't belong.... This has been happening a lot lately.  Maybe this is part of the Shedding cycle I'm currently in...  ?__?

Fun Facts

I'm incredibly restless. Let's see if this will distract me for a few moments.

1) I see myself as a cartoon

2) I'm an early bird, a night owl, and an afternoon sleeper

3) My sex dreams are always lucid.

4) I want to be an otter in my next lifetime

5) Butterflies creep me out more than spiders

6) I don't really like chocolate. I eat it out of habit

7) I'm constantly quoting songs, movies, and TV shows.

8) I've been able to name and place all 50 US states and their capitols since I was 8

9) My favourite composers are Debussy and Vivaldi

This is a Test

This is a test
A test of wills, and won'ts
a test of my will to see just how long I can survive
beneath the strain.
Cracks already beginning to form
Slowly spreading like a network of the finest spider's silk

Quotes

Tumblr is an excellent resource!! Look at the great quotes I've found!!

Infatuation is when you find someone who is absolutely perfect.  Love is when you realise that they aren't and that it doesn't matter. - Unknown

It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit. - Eartha Kitt

Intimacy means more than sex, as you know.  It's about the connection of souls.  You are intimate when you are fully with another.  In fact, this has very little to do with that which is physical. - Neale Donald Walsch

As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. - Steve Maraboli

Shedding

I 'graduated' this year, and with it I am doing some intense introspection about the things that are and are no longer important in my Life.  I'm shedding a lot of people and things and it feels... odd to have so much weight taken off of my shoulders.

Old storms are ending, new paths are beginning, and I am ready to begin this journey with a lighter load.

Borders

I can honestly say national borders aren't something I lie awake at night thinking about, and that's my privilege as a US-born citizen.  These last few weeks though... I've had time to really begin to contemplate what borders, these lines that signify different countries, mean.

Borders are these arbitrary things, that have little significance in the grand scheme of things.  For our ancestors, borders were fluid, moving back and forth and every which way way and oftentimes didn't exist.

But they do now.  And what does that mean for those of us on either side?  And for those who can cross them without fear?  And for those who can't?

I miss you

I miss you.

Not in the soul-crushing, 'I'm going to die without you!' kind of way.
More like,
'My arms miss holding you,
and my Body misses feeling your Body against it when we hug,
and my ears miss hearing your voce and your laugh,
and my eyes miss seeing you.'

In that kind of way.

Thinking

I think that if I thought about the things I really need to think about... the Despair would consume me. There's so much much pain wrapped up in these things that I don't allow myself to think about... I feel as if a shadow waits on the edge of my Consciousness....

It's frightening to think about the things I don't allow myself to think about because I know things will only get worse the longer I wait and no, they won't resolve on their own, and no, I don't think I'll ever really be ready to face them and yes, it will Hurt... but my Soul will never know Peace until I have tried.

Ok.  Back to not thinking about things I don't allow myself to think about.

Today Is Not For Myself

This is my graduation speech.  I'll put it on Youtube in a bit.

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When I decided to transfer to The Evergreen State College, I honestly had NO idea what I was getting myself into.  I traded the soul-cushing conservatism of the Florida swamps for the psuedo-liberalism of the rainy Pacific Northwest. It was a shock--not only does the Sun disappear in October and might show up by mid-May, but my Southern straight-forwardness and attitude was not readily welcome.  But like a good Gemini, I adapted.  I take my vitamin D supplements religiously, my vocabulary now includes things like 'gluten-free' and 'trustfundarian' and my ability to have compassion for others has grown.

On a day like today, I look around this room and I see the people who comprise my Community.  All of you have left a mark on my experience, whether either of us knows it or not.  Some are good, some not so good... and still others who I could not have imagined making it this far without.  On a day like today, I look around this room for faces that I know are not here.  My natal family.   I hope that in the future, the compassion I have uncovered within myself will help rebuild those bridges.

On a day like today... I know it is not for myself.

This day is for my mother, who endured the Horrors of a childhood of poverty and abuse and escaped, only to fall in the open arms of Uncle Sam and his military industrial complex.  For my mother through who I saw an experienced the pain and neglect the US government--my government--inflicts upon the bodies of poor women of colour.  For my  mother, who I can never look in the mirror without seeing, because I have her face.  For my mother, who showed me that yes, leaving behind your home can be frightening, but sometimes it's necessary in order to find yourself.  Today is for you Maisy.

Hoy es para mi papa who came into my life when I was four, and who I called 'Puppy', because I couldn't pronounce 'Papi' (Spanish for dad).  Para mi papa, whose kindness and gentle smile brightened a dark childhood.  Para mi papa, who taught me that food is culture and food is love.  Para mi papa, who showed me that family is not always something you are born into; it's something you can create.  Hoy es para ti papa.

Today is for my sister, Carmen, who I didn't really like for the first eighteen years of her life (She's 20 now.)  For my sister, with whom I fought with and beat up on in the hopes that she would leave me alone (she didn't).  For my sister, who always tried to reach out for Love, and I so often snubbed.  For my sister, who I have had the honour of watching grow into a beautiful young woman, and become a fierce mama.  For my sister, who endures so much hardship and inspires me so much with her Strength.  I would do anything for you, all you need to do is ask.  Today is for you Tita.

Today is for Baby Leo, my sister's child, who I remember holding for the first time and seeing the dark fierceness in their eyes.  And I fell in love.  For Baby Leo, who had the will to survive.  For Baby Leo, whose cries make my Heart ache and their laugh makes my spirit soar.  For baby Leo, so your path may be made a little easier.  For Baby Leo, who I haven't seen in nearly a year, but my Heart tells me the distance between us will be bridged with time.  Today is for you , little one.

Today is for my children.

Today is for my little cousins.

Today is for my grandmother, and my late grandfather.

Today is for my ancestors.

Today is for me... because I never thought I would make it to this day, and I wouldn't have, without you....

Birthday Reflections

It's that time of year again....  I wonder if every birthday will be as tumultuous as this one.  :/  Sometime sI fear I think too much, even for an Introverted Gemini... and then I think that I think about thinking too much and then I just get really frustrated and stare at the clouds and think about flowers or the beach and it gets a little easier to bear.

Today was a really tough day. It's been a tough quarter.  It's been a tough year.  It's been tough in general living in Olympia... but I digress.  I need to reflect on how far I've come in achieving my New Year's Resolution, "Get Fit: Mind, Body, Soul".

Body-Mind: 

Good Job!

1) Coming out trans* has really helped align my mental image to my physical expression

2) I'm finally beginning to let go of the Beach Culture mentality. Beginning, cause that was 15 years worth of brainwashing

3) I'm eating better, which helps me function in a less grouchy capacity

Step It Up!!

1) I need to start doing more physical activity

2) I need to start expanding my gluten-free, dairy-free kitchen skills

3) I need to eat more, in general.

Mind-Soul:

Good Job!

1) I have redistributed my energy so that I don't burn out

2) I am working with orgs that I have a reciprocal relationship with

3) I am living in the moment more often

Step It Up!!

1) I need to do more writing!

2) I need to do more creative expression

3) I need to do more constructive thinking

Body-Soul:

Good Job!

1) Coming out as trans*.  What a stressor that shit is bottled up

2) I am thinking more critically about what events brought me to this place in my Life

3) I am working on letting past shit go

Step It Up!!

1) I need to reach back and reconnect with old friends

2) I need to listen more to my Intuition

3) I need to re-prioritise so that people and things aren't weighing me down

Seeing this written down... I acknowledge the strides I've made in the last six months, but I can honestly say I've been really lazy.  I feel, though, that with so many of my obligations coming to an end with the closing of the academic year, that I'm going to have a lot of space and time to reorganise. I feel like I'm getting ready to be taken on a wild ride and I wanna make sure I've brought my lunch.....

Positive Affirmations

I remember being a kid and someone would say something nice about me, and I would freeze up or get self-conscious or push the compliment away.  I still do these things, and I work continuously to see the good things in and about myself.  Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to accept a complement with grace and elegance....

This evening, I had folks give me positive affirmations.  Many of them were things I've heard before, witch gives me hope that i'm doing something right.  :deep sigh:  And there was one comment in particular that was really...  it really resonated with me.  It felt like the sound and vibrations when someone hits a huge gong.

I try to give positive affirmations to my friends and loved ones, and many of them seem to be in the same rut that I'm in, in not knowing how to take a damn complement.  I'm gonna keep on trying, and I hope I won't be written off as a bad job either.  :)

I think I'll start writing positive affirmations about myself, even it it's something small like, "I really appreciate you maintaining self control and not throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery because I only let you get two kinds of gluten-free cereal," or "I really appreciate you logging off Tumblr, because it was 3AM."

Positive reinforcement, positive affirmations.

Unreadable

I've just been told (again) that folks have a hard time gauging where I'm at emotionally.

A few years ago, this would have been a compliment.  Now... it's an annoyance.

Someone brought up the point though, that it most likely goes back to the home, and what folks were like as I was growing up.  For sure, stoicism above all else.  Emotion was (and still is) viewed as a weakness in my family, and there was no space for weakness.

It's interesting that as I take back my sensitivity, some folks are still having a hard time reading me.  Mmm...  Maybe it's because I'm super attentive to body language and energies, that I can read the people I care about fairly easy.

Keep up, eh?

Respect

These last few weeks, I've had the word 'respect' hurled in my face numerous.  The hurling has been done by individuals I don't particularly care for.  However, I have been reflecting on my evolving relationship with the word respect.

I can honestly say my mother's attempts to teach me respect as a child failed. Sorry Maisy.  I behaved respectfully towards adults, as a child, but never had any models of respect looked like.  It wasn't until I was in high school that I was given respect by my own rights.  Only then did I truly learn what is was and was able to give and show respect for others

As I've gotten older, my threshold for bullshit has lessened along with my ability to maintain respect for assholes.  I say that as if I had such a huge capacity for it before ... Anyway....

These past few months have shown a record-low in tolerance of ignorance and asshattery.  My temper is short and my willingness to accommodate idiots is even shorter.  Which might have led certain individuals to find my behaviour 'disrespectful'.  I cna't help but scoff because these individuals who have been subject to my 'disrespect' are also finding themselves experiencing a break with their reality and bumping up against their privilege(s).  It's always difficult to imagine Life through another's lens and when folks realise that everything is not as it seems, it (naturally) rocks their boat.  Also, I recognise the signs because I've been working through the areas I hold privilege and as an agent, it's reflex to deflect and project our feelings and actions of discomfort onto the target group.  Been there, done that, and I'm even taking a program where I get to see others work out their shit three times a week!

This is normally the part of the essay where I give unsolicited advice, but I'm really working on not doing that anymore.  So I guess I'll just say, I hope they get where they need to be along the awareness spectrum. I'm not responsible for the education and/or consciousness of others.  I'm letting it go.

Technology

Sometimes, I feel greedy with technology.  I want to access everything--social networking sites, news & information sites, my blogs--all at once.

It's an ugly thing, and nothing like myself.  I've been really agitated lately, and not writing enough.  I think I need to go on a long walk this weekend.  And leave my phone at home.  Texting makes me anxious.  :/

Empty Words

I have this feeling that some folks who I encounter and interact with throughout my days only speak to 'placate' me or make themselves feel better.

My words to you: Save your breath and walk away from me. Your inauthenticity does not interest me.

Snippets

These are parts of poems that are currently writing themselves in my head

1) In our Connection, there is heartbreak....

2) She's so lovely, but slowly shredding my Heart.

3) Your acknowledgement only makes me feel invisible

4) ... It felt like iI was seeing her for the first time, and she was finally seeing me.

5) She has my Soul, so completely I could not turn away from her without doing damage to myself.

-------

I will make these into poems or stories this Summer!

Virgos

I've spent the last year creating distance between myself and known Virgos.  I found them fussy, controlling, and smothering.  In the last three months or so, I've been changing my opinion.

I find that I grow older--twenty-five years, I know--I'm craving more stability and reliability. My Twin mentioned yesterday, as people age, they tend to take on more qualities of their moon.  My moon is Scorpio, and while I have a wariness of Scorpios, I do admire their more positive attributes, such as determination, ambition and a certain ruthlessness when it comes to getting the job done.  I find that I'm acquiring more of those.  Or maybe, coming into those qualities.

And also, since Scorpios are water signs, they get along well with Earth signs, such as Virgos. :D

But I have three Virgos in my life right now, and I find that to be enough. Small steps.

Peace of Mind

I've noticed lately, that all of my dandelion iwishes have been for peace of mind.  Which makes me think hard about how I seem to be lacking it as of late, and how can I get it back.

I think the first question is to ask myself what peace of mind is.  And then we can go from there.....

West Side Reflections

I was strolling along Harrison, walking towards Division and the #49 downtown, and thinking about Love.  It's been a hot topic on my mind in the last month or so.  But not in the "OMG I need a brand new lover!" kind of way.  More like the "Why do we fall in love?" way.

I'm speaking in the romantic Love kind of way, for this post at least. Also, I recognise not everyone has romantic emotions towards others. I'm talking about those with the want to find romantic Love.

Why do we fall in Love?  What does it mean, that we have this emotion towards someone?    Where does it come from, and where does it go when we fall 'out of Love'?  Do we ever really fall out of Love with someone, or do they always carry a piece of our Heart?

I think the biggest question I stumbled over was, Why do we keep searching for Love after Heartbreak?  Because it Hurts, it Hurts so much, to have all of this emotion for someone and they don't return it.  Why would we put ourselves through the emotional tumult again (and again and again)?  Is the lure and thrill of Love so much that we would risk our Hearts again?  Is Love a drug?  Are we addicted?

Am I addicted?  Do I crave it---

No. I don't.  It's nice when I stumble upon it, but to quote Bono, "I've had enough of romantic love. I give it up...."   I'd rather redistribute my energy to building up my resume with volunteer work.

Now, a cuddle buddy. We can definitely talk.......

Splinters

I have a splinter in my hand.  It reminds me of being a kid and scooting on my butt across hardwood floors. I remember almost getting splinters in my butt. Luckily I never did.  I was always terrible about getting wood chips out of my fingers; I can't imagine the racket I would have made for wood in my butt.  :D

Gray Relationship

I decided to turn this stream of consciousness into a poem. I think it's better in this format, and also much more personal.  Here goes....

------------------------

You know, when you just feel that connexion with someone, before you even meet them.
You wait six months before you can have an actual conversation,
and when you do... it's like rocketfire, it clicks so easily.

But you feel like you're taking more than you're giving...
And then there comes a time when they need you, and you realise
just how much you've given.

Slowly time passes
and you're becoming closer without realising it.
Next thing you know, you're reading their body language so well that words get in the way.
The way they hold their shoulders or the tilt of their head tells you all you need to know,
And you respond,
Without thinking.
Because it's what they need.

You weave in and out of love and affection,
And it's a gray, nuanced kind of relationship.

But that's ok, as long as it's gray with a little bit of violet.

Affection

I was making my dinner, like five seconds ago, when I was struck by inspiration!!

I've been contemplating actions and words, which of them speaks louder, how do text messages (a mixture of words and the action of sending the words) come into play (?__?), and how I show affection to others and how I like to be shown affection.

When I want to show affection for someone, I turn to food.  I give food, I want to cook together, I want to eat with them.  I love cooking, it re-centers me and why not do something productive while chilling out (i.e. make dinner!). I'm also physically affectionate (consensually).  I like to give people little gifts, something I know they will appreciate.  Usually a food item. XP  But this got me thinking: are food and hugs and gifts really representative of my affection and love for people?  I tell them how I feel about them (friends, family, lovers), but I think a lot has to do with how the receiver interprets my words.  And also my actions... It's complicated, because I can mean something completely different than is perceived....  Something to think about for the future.

As I was chopping onions, I was thinking about how I like to be shown affection.  Hugs are ok (consensually), food is nice, gifts are nice, but they feel somewhat hollow....  I want something more.  And then it came to me and I almost dropped the food processor: time. When someone gives me their time.  Giving your self and your time to me speaks louder than a thousand gifts.  There's something about the intention of taking time away from your busy schedule and your responsibilities, when you could be doing a thousand other things, and you've chosen to be with me. It gives me an actual physical representationof my importance in your life.  I think it's something I didn't get much of as a kid, cause my parents worked super long shifts and double shifts..... Childhood rearing its ugly head. >.<

I also recognise that I'm really intentional about spending time with those I care about. Haha, I cna't believe it's taken me so long to figure it out....

Now I just have to convey this, eloquently.  -___-

Splendid Isolation

More emotional upheaval. I'm getting really irritated with the disturbances. I feel like I had enough of them as a kid; when do I get stability?


I've also been feeling left out, pushed out and generally alone.  I think some of it has to do with me forgetting to take my Vitamin D these last two days.... but I know some of it is actually happening.  I am an Observer after all.  I can see the changes occurring around me....


Some of it is internal and some of it is external.  I've been pretty depressed lately, but I feel like that's going around. It's that time of the year as well. I'm not the only who's burnt out and ready for it all to be over.


Mmmm, I think that's all I want to talk about on this blog. I'm heading into The Cave :)

An Open Letter to Assholes

I can't keep making excuses for you*.  Your behaviour is your own and if you choose to act in that manner, I'm stepping back and letting the shit hit the fan. I spend too much of my precious time and energy trying to convince others of your innocence or the goodness of your intentions.  Fuck this, I ain't yo momma.  Do what you need to do, and be aware that your actions may have negative consequences.  And be aware that I'm not here to bail your ass out or smooth things over for you anymore.

*Universal 'you'.  I can think of many people in my Circle that this applies to.  And if you find yourself getting offended or defensive, check yourself, cause this may apply to you

Heart

Sometimes I wonder at my Heart....
Why does it fancy those it fancies?
How much say to do have in the matter?
Why does my Heart feel for those who do not return the attention?
How strong is my Heart in the face of indifference?
Rejection?
How much strength is in these sinews, muscle fibres and cords...?

Intention

Since coming to Olympia nearly two years ago, I've been contemplating the idea of intention. What are my intentions?  How do they manifest?  How can I better communicate my intentions in my everyday interactions?  How can I work to become more intentional?

Lately I've been reflecting on intention in my intimate relationships.  And I use the term 'relationship' to mean friends, family, and lovers.  How do I make my interactions with them more meaningful...?

I still have a helluva lotta shit to work out.  s far, though, I've just been trying to be more conscious of my interactions, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking and why I'm doing things.  How they will or can be interpreted and making space to listen and being present when I mess up.  

... Yeah, that's where I'm at, for now!  :}

Human Again

I'm feeling like I've returned to the realm of humans.  I was so strung out from sleep-deprived and malnourished and aggravated from the OPCCon and traveling that I felt like I was mentally in another dimension and I could not comprehend the loud, smelly creatures walking around with me.  It was too much.

I was so tense I couldn't even gather my thoughts to write.  I haven't done my daily blog in three days, and I stopped journalling which is NEVER a good sign.

But after ten hours of sleep last night and another four this afternoon, my brain feels like it's descending to normal (whatever that means).  And now I have to stop procrastinating because I have to finish reading a book for class tomorrow. I actually want to be a good student this quarter....  No, really I do.  Like, stop laughing, cause I'm serious.  At least during this first week.  ;}

Intuition, Again

... holy shit.  Today my Intuition showed me just how powerful and accurate it is....  Let me paint the scene.

Yesterday, during my wait for the #48 to leave downtown, I was journalling (like always) and thinking about a certain someone.  I was writing about how I hoped to see them, then stopped myself. If I want something, I need to state it, not wish upon a falling star. Wishing does not get you any closer to your goal.  So I stated that I would see so-n-so.  And I did.  The only downside was that because I made my statement so vague, I was left unfulfilled. What I actually wanted was more of an interaction, not a cameo.  Call me greedy, but I want it all and I want it now.  Like Now, as in five minutes ago.  Oh Gemini....  Anyhow.

Today, as I was waiting for the #41 to make its way up the Westside Hill, I Listened in again, and made my statement more specific: that I would see so-n-so and catch up briefly.  I wanted to state more, but I had to keep the greediness in check. But something else I Heard was that I would see so-n-so during my evening walk through my neighborhood.

Fast forward to my day, when I see and catch up briefly with so-n-so.  o__o

Fast forward to my evening walk through my neighborhood, when I see so-n-so.  O__o

I was/am appalled.  I'm also a little frightened by this accuracy.....  I nearly fell down in the street I was so shocked.  I was reduced to mere babbles as I wandered the Eastside, wondering at my Intuition.  I mean... wtf??  And then I remember that my mum always talked about having the gift of foresight.  My sister too. What the hell is going on?!  :deep breath:

As I made my way back down the Eastside Hill, I asked my Intuition about this weekend's trip to LA and the QPOCCon.  ... Well, I don't want to spoil that answer right now, but I'm going to try and make the most of this adventure.

Needless to say, after yesterday's and today's showing, I'm going to Listen in more often. I feel that after nearly 25 years, I'm finally tapping into the flow of my Intuition.  And my, what interesting things it has to say.

Sensitive

As I become more comfortable with myself, I's relearning how to Feel.  And something I've concluded is that I'm severely emotional.  Heh, I say it like it's an affliction. -___-

But in all seriousness, I've been going with the emotional drift... and frankly it's exhausting.  This reminds me of being a kid and Feeling so much, but not being allowed to express any of it.  And if I did, oh the flogging I would get. But that's another entry.

I have to say I like being more in tune with my Intuition and thus my emotions. It helps me avoid drama, or at least reduce its occurrence.  Well, that's what I tell myself....

Procrastination

It's that time of the quarter again. I have assignments due (ok, overdue) and I'm playing Bejeweled and listening to Morrissey.

This quarter has been so amazingly disappointing.   The class I was (am) in had all the makings of an a challenging, stimulating quarter-long dialogue about how different populations throughout United States' history have been excluded and/or marginalised and how that discrimination plays out in contemporary society. I was stoked for the class, I actually read the books (that never happens).... and then I ind out I had signed up to waste my $6000 of out-of-state tuition.

I'm still seething. If anyone reads this blog and wants an in-person rant of how abysmally disappointing this program has been, I'll buy you the hot beverage and you can listen to me rage. If I could go back... I'd be in ReInterpreting Liberation. I'm not as focused on international movements, but if it meant I wouldn't have lost brain cells, I'd've taken it.

That being said, I have a research paper due tomorrow as well as presenting my research and I have a three-page assignment due for my two-credit class. And I'm still listening to Morriseey and playing Bejewled. I might start cleaning my room in order to continue procrastinating.  Mmm or just eat more LaraBars.  Ok, maybe that's not such a great idea. I'm turning into a sedentary individual. -___-  Hey! Maybe I can make a workout schedule for Spring qtr!  Yes, then that will continue my procrastination while also being constructive.  Gemini power!! ^_^

Considerate

This might be a hatepost, but lawd if I am not surrounded by INconsiderate folks in this town!

I am always irked when people don't hold doors, for myself or anyone else.  Maybe it's because I was raised in the South, maybe it's because I was raised Black, but not holding doors open for folks, but especially females and elders was subject for some dirty looks and a scolding if you caught the wrong person. It remains one of my biggest pet peeves.  You are not in that much of a rush as to not be able to hold a damn door open five more seconds.  And if you are, yell "Sorry!" over your dam shoulder.

I don't know if it's just the rain or the gray days that all blur together, or the fact that I'm so far from Southern Hospitality that there seems to be a lack of consideration nowadays, at least in the circles I run in.  And maybe I need to do a bit of trimming of those circles.  Hmm.....

Intuition

"The more you listen, the stronger it becomes...."

Lately I've been hearing some interesting things... Mostly, that the people around me aren't really digging my company.  And it's a little irritating considering how much of my energy I give, but it also smarts to know people aren't as invested in relationships as I am.

This is definitely a pattern in my life, and I've still yet to figure out the pieces that create it....

I could hypthesise all day on the connections, but that is an activity best saved for the privacy of The Cave. :/

Sleep

I haven't been sleeping through the night for the past week and some.  It's annoying, because I have a feeling it's affecting my daytime endurance.  I've been having a really hard patch with emotional health lately, and sleep is the only reprieve I get nowadays.

I know lack of physical activity isn't helping.  Neither is going to bed with a full head, facing so much gender identity static during the day and not eating well enough. Sad gemini.

But maybe this weekend I'll drug myself and get more than four hours in a row.  Maybe

Cravings

Lately, I've been craving sweets.  And milk products.  Which can only mean one thing: menses is pending.

But luckily this month, my sweet tooth has been limited to sweet almond croissants from the San Francisco Street Bakery.  Usually it's the sweetest most processed thing I can get my hands on, which only leads to disaster (read: tantrums).  I need to make sure I get some every day.  It's the least I can do for my mental health.

The milk and potato craving, I've figured out, is actually a desire for calcium, something I need to ensure my uterus doesn't spasm out and chain me to the toilet.  It's pretty simple, but it's surprising how often I forget until it's too late.

Hopefully I'll do better this cycle.  So far so good, but you never know...

Spring Fever

As it turns out, I am not the only one who feels like shagging everyone in sight (after the strenuous screening process, of course).  I wonder if Venus is moving around and affecting affections?  Hmm.....

Dairy

After a weekend of bingeing on dairy, I remember why I'm on a dairy-free diet.

I've been eating cheese.  I had cow's milk in my oatmeal yesterday. I had kefir this morning.  The kefir made me physically sick; I could barely finish the glass.  -______-

I hadn't really realised how dairy effected my body until I stopped drinking cow's milk about one year ago.  It wasn't really a choice, but I couldn't afford it, and it was too heavy to carry home from the food bank.  But I left it behind, and switched to cheese instead. I noticed my health improve, and attributed it to dropping the cow's milk.  I made a point of avoiding cow's milk.  I eventually moved to soy yogurt and even slowed down on my ice cream intake (but that was more sugar reduction rather than dairy).  

Recently I've stopped eating cheese because I know my body does not like it.  But then I started getting ill.  Not ill as in sick, but muscle spasms and cramps.  And there was my period last month, which felt like my uterus and most of my internal organs were trying to escape through my belly button.  Not fun.  So I turned to kefir, which is supposedly gentler on systems than cow's milk.  

NOT SO!!  I've had so much upset stomach and gurgles, it's ridiculous.  I bought kefir this morning, but I think I'm going to give it away or use it to cook or bake.I'll find another means to get my daily calcium. Even though my muscles are happy. -___-

I might just start eating more leafy greens.  And slow down on the cheese and kefir.  Hm.... 

Dreams

Last night I had a really... interesting dream.  Well, two that I recall, but one in particular.

The first one was where I was having rather aggressive sex with a friend... whom I'm not attracted to at all.  It was like bonobo aggressive, which isn't really aggressive, just vigorous.  Bonobos are hilarious. I would actually go to a zoo to watch them get it on, because it's so ridiculous.  Wait, is that bestiality?  Hmm.... But I never feel awkward after having sexual dreams with people.  I'll probably just give them a hug and laugh to myself.

In the second dream I was the main character in the TV show Fringe, Olivia Dunham.  I was trying to solve a mystery (just like in this horrifyingly scary show) and I knew I just knew that I was gonna get kilt.  Cause I was a white woman.  And there wasn't any male to save me.  This dream disturbed me more than the other one.  

Dreams is crazy.  I wish I could just sleep and wake up and go about my day without creepy-ass dreams like this.

Ill

I hate being sick!!  I HATE BEING SICK!!  I NEVER GET SICK! WHAT THE HELL?!!!

I love how when I'm finallyf eeling emotionally at peace, when I've stopped fighting with my gender and we're finally holding hands and skipping off together into the sunset, I get sick.  My Body has betrayed me.  -_________-

I just had a thought.  What if it's all the kefir I've been drinking?   Hmm....

It might be the fact that I haven't washed my water bottle in about two months.  Hmm...

It might be because someone was hacking and I inhaled their germs.  Hmmm

It might be because my body needs a break from being so unbelievably strong.  Hmm

It might be because...  dunno. But I'm going to go to sleep.

Savvina

If you don't know who Savvina is... well, you'd best get your ass over to Evergreen and meet her.  She's a phenomenal individual, and I love her more than I can say.  She's one of the main people who helped me make it through my first year at Evergreen.  Without her... well, I'd be even more of a hot mess than I am right now.

I just ran into her a few moments ago, and managed to give her the thank you card I made.  I also came out to her as trans and told her my new pronoun as 'he' and 'they'. It was surprisingly easy, and she was great about it. She even asked me if I had a preferred name.  But then Savvina is one of the sweetest people I've ever met.  And she's a great cook, just sayin'.

But yes, my love and appreciation for Savvina run deep.  She's like an auntie.  I have to make sure I give her than handmade card my mum made 

Foster Parent

One day, I am going to be a foster parent.  I really, really like making other people's kids my own; I've been doing it for seven years with the little ones.  And I think I have enough... whatever it is--love, endurance, willpower-- to do it.

As usual, my imagination is taking off with this idea of helping the kids who need it most have a safe, loving home.  But I know it's not so cut and dry.  I've already begun researching Washington's system, although I don't plan on fostering in this state.  But eh, things change. I may find myself here longer than I anticipate.

My child development background gives me an edge and will most likely be looked at as an asset, but I don't plan on seeking out the wee ones.  The youngest age I want is four.  I'm rather tired of nappies and toilet training.... -__-  I want a kid that can dress their-self and go to school.  I want to help my kid with homework and teach them how to cook and nurture their interests.  I want my kid to know that stability and love are possibilities in this world...  And there I go again assuming foster kids have never known these things. Oh, my 6 Nurturing attitude is showing....

But that's what I want, a brood of little brown and black bodies tumbling around my living room.  God, I love other people's kids!!

tbc....

Self-Attack

It's been a few years, but this morning, my body tried to kill me.  I'm not laughing and I'm not exaggerating.  I almost died.

I woke up around 845 to a backache.  After gathering my wits and realising that blood was again exiting through my vagina, and shuffled tot eh bathroom (you would really think by now I would be expecting this monthly occurrence and have supplies by the bedside).  When I made it tot eh bathroom, I cleaned up and went back to bed.  About two minutes later I felt this strange sensation of my intestine moving plant materials toward by colon.  And that was when I cringed, because I knew this was going to be one wild ride.  I laid in bed for as long as I could, in denial, then shuffled again tot he restroom. This vis t lasted much longer.

I felt like my body was trying to squeeze every bit of matter out of my body.  I wouldn't have bee surprised if my spleen or gallbladder had dropped out, the cramping was so terrible.  It hadn't been that way in years.  And I dreaded, because the last time I felt like body organs were being squeezed from my body, it wasn't only through the toilet, it was also into a trashcan.

And I was right.  After emptying my entire intestinal tract, and as I was writhing on the cold bathroom tiles in pain, the bile rose.  I hurried tot eh toilet and retched.  Luckily, the Korean BBQ I'd eaten last night moved quickly enough that it went down instead of up.  I can only imagine if that food had come up....  :grimace:  Actually I'm not sure about that one.  Because having spicy Korean food come out as a searingly painful bowel movement was... like acid.  Esp when it was in it's raw form and not completely digested.

I continued to alternate between diarrhea and vomiting for the next.... I dunno. I lost track of time, but it had to have been at least 20 minutes.  I thought I was going to die.  I know I exaggerate--it's the Southerner in me (tall drinks and tall tales)--but the last time I'd been in this state I was 17.  I had cold sweats, I was hot and cold at the same time, body aches and shivering.  You'd have thought I had food poisoning.  But no, this is just my body punishing me for ignoring it.

How have I been ignoring my body?

Usually, when my uterus is going to take me for a wild ride, I get a horrible backache and I up my iron intake.  And I did that.  But I also made the mistake of forgetting the advice my friend's mom Christine gave me.  Iron is important during menses, but calcium is also crucial.  She determined this when I told her how I crave potatoes and spinach and how these foods are high in iron.  She also told me they are rich in calcium, which my body has been lacking since I quit drinking cow's milk.

I want to make an official public apology to my body.  I've been a bit out of tune with it because there have been so many mental issues demanding my attention.  :(  But no more!  As I work my way back up to full-size meals (it'll take a few days after the violent shrinking of my stomach), calcium will be a part of every meal.  Cow yogurt, soy yogurt, and I will finish that spinach and potatoes.  I also think I'll find a multivitamin with calcium, because surprisingly the one I take doesn't have it....  WTH!!  >__<

Spring Rolls

When I was in San Diego, I made spring rolls for Breena's going away extravaganza.  We did a crap job--IMO--but they were totally fun to make.  And I want to do it again.  Fast forward to Olympia, yesterday, and I'm browsing the eyes of the Asian market by the Westside taco truck.  I found rice paper (duh).  The best part: THEY ACEEPT EBT!

Now I'm going to make spring rolls with my friend PSM.  I"m so stoked!  I'm excited to do the shopping, the prep and the eating.  I love spring rolls.  As long as there is not cucumber.  Cucumber makes me ill.  Just thinking about it makes me want to hug a toilet bowl....

Migraines

I have migraines, or so says my doctor.  Usually I'm able to stave them off with good food, less stress and adequate amounts of sleep.

HOwever, since returning to Olympia--it's only been 48 hours!!--I've had two.  When they hit me on campus, I can usually remedy them with greasy pizza and a Dr Pepper.  Today that method did not work, and I had to resort to medication.

The pills are supposed to be 'rescue medication' which means I take it as soon as I detect the migraine.  I had already done the pizza and soda, and I need to be minimally grouchy  during my work shift, so I resorted to the pill.  Maybe it would have worked if I had taken it at noon, when the pains began.  Now I have a migraine and I feel nauseous.  Luckily if I'm entertained and engaged in an activity, I don't notice the need to crouch over a toilet bowl.  But as I'm currently sitting in an uncomfortable chair on display at the Information Desk, I'm not.

I just want to go home and go to sleep.  :(

Words of Wisdom

When I get down and frustrated at the leisurely pace my life seems to be taking at the moment, I need to remember Drake's words:

Don't get impatient when it takes too long, and drink it all even when it tastes too strong.

Words of wisdom....

Philosophy of Service Essay

I AM FINISHED!!  Here is the essay I birthed.  Hopefully it's spectacular enough to win me taht tuition waiver.

“Education remains the key to economic and political empowerment.” – Barbara Jordan

   

I, like the late Barbara Jordan, believe that education—formal and informal—gives individuals the tools they need to uncover the strength and motivation they need to excel. Through my work in various social justice-minded organizations, as well as independent efforts, I work to educate and empower individuals to create meaningful change in their lives, their communities, and our society.

 Since moving to Olympia in Fall 2010, I have been involved with Evergreen’s student community, most actively as a member of the Black Student Union (BSU) and as a coordinator of Queer People of Color (QPOC).  

   BSU makes it their mission to educate members about issues of oppression impacting their community, the importance of knowing African/Black history and promoting cultural awareness and pride. Through these types of education and consciousness-raising activities, members are encouraged to use their knowledge to educate their own individual communities—at Evergreen, within Olympia, their friends and families—so the that transfer of information continues.  

   During my time as a coordinator of QPOC, I was able to support and empower other self-identified qpoc on issues regarding their racial and cultural identities, and how their sexuality and gender influence this experience, particularly as they face racism and homo-/transphobia from the dominant culture. I will also continue to focus on addressing issues of sexuality, gender and homophobia with my peers in BSU. Only by constantly engaging and challenging stereotypes and prejudices can education and acceptance occur to bring our community closer.



   Although the discussions within the LGBTQ and Black community differ, the search for solutions to combat disenfranchisement and oppression are the same. Each community uses various strategies to reach their goals of equality. By working within both I can help highlight these commonalities and encourage members of these communities to work together to enact change. I remember what a pivotal time my adolescence was for my identity formation; I realize now how much more enriching my experiences could have been if I had had a mentor to guide me. In my future, I would like to work with Black LGBTQ youth. It is exceedingly difficult to be one's authentic self--even moreso when fighting against oppressions, such as racism and homo-/transphobia, among others. I want to be able to provide Black youth facing these challenges to be have a ready alternative example from the mainstream, someone who can guide them along the path to forming their own unique identities.

   As an out-of-state, low-income, independent student, each year—and increasing cuts to financial aid—it becomes increasingly difficult to continue my community involvement due to working extra hours while also balancing my academic and personal responsibilities. With this scholarship, I will be able to maintain my commitment to political and economic justice, secure in the knowledge that for my final year of undergraduate studies, I will not have to contend with financial stress.