When I get that swelling in my breast, and it feels like I' about to float away....
When I look at the Wind rustling the Leaves of the Trees and I smile at the simplicity and Perfection of Nature...
When I can tolerate just a little bit more of that aggravating someone...
When I want everyone to be happy, simply because I have more than enough Happiness and Joy to spare...
When my snarky comments melt into a smile...
When I don't mind that I am asked the most redundant and obvious questions throughout the day....
When my Patience keeps replenishing itself....
When I want to hug and cuddle more than usual...
When I wake with a smile on my face...
...That's how I know I am in Love. Or something like it. ♥
28 September 2011
26 September 2011
Googly-Eyes
The Patience I learnt over the Summer makes for Happier days now. :)
I had so many beautiful people in my world today. I'm just grateful for them being theirselves and making my day brighter. :)
I had so many good conversations, and connected with so many folks, on many different levels. From the EF kids who barely spoke English and reminded me of my privilege to chatting in-depth with PAco, who always teaches me something new, to those who try my Patience by simply being in my line of vision. It really makes me look Inward and evaluate the type of person I am and who I want to be for the future.
Just a really goo rainy, introflective, extroverted day. Tomorrow I hope for a little more alone time though. As much as I love interacting with the Public, I do need time to reflect and daydream. It's part of my self-care package.
I had so many beautiful people in my world today. I'm just grateful for them being theirselves and making my day brighter. :)
I had so many good conversations, and connected with so many folks, on many different levels. From the EF kids who barely spoke English and reminded me of my privilege to chatting in-depth with PAco, who always teaches me something new, to those who try my Patience by simply being in my line of vision. It really makes me look Inward and evaluate the type of person I am and who I want to be for the future.
Just a really goo rainy, introflective, extroverted day. Tomorrow I hope for a little more alone time though. As much as I love interacting with the Public, I do need time to reflect and daydream. It's part of my self-care package.
21 September 2011
To Listen
I've also done a lot of listening this week. A LOT of listening, but it's good for me. I talk too much, and take up a lot of space. I'm working on it.
But this week, I almost feel like a therapist. I've talked people through a lot to things, I've been an anchor for others and for many I am nudging them in the right direction with positive guidance. I believe this weekend I will focus on myself and bike around the Eastside.
I feel that working on Patience throughout the Summer afforded me the space and the grace to be able to step back and focus my attention on someone other than myself. It's definitely a valuable skill. It's also allowed me to step back (yes, even further than I already am) and see more of the picture. I also realised how much further I have to go.
Learning and growing. My Gemini(s) are happy, and that makes it so much easier to function. :D
But this week, I almost feel like a therapist. I've talked people through a lot to things, I've been an anchor for others and for many I am nudging them in the right direction with positive guidance. I believe this weekend I will focus on myself and bike around the Eastside.
I feel that working on Patience throughout the Summer afforded me the space and the grace to be able to step back and focus my attention on someone other than myself. It's definitely a valuable skill. It's also allowed me to step back (yes, even further than I already am) and see more of the picture. I also realised how much further I have to go.
Learning and growing. My Gemini(s) are happy, and that makes it so much easier to function. :D
To Speak
I've been doing a lot of talking these past few... no this last week. I'm so tired, of speaking and also of hearing. I love people, and being extroverted is fun, but my inner Introvert is stamping its feet for me to have quiet time. My quiet time use to be on campus, but now that the school year is kicking up, and everyone seems to know who I am... I must find anoher locale to think and reflect.
I heard a few years back that humans have a certain number of words that they need to use up per day, in order to feel fulfilled or whatever. I wonder what my number is. Hmm..... :)
I heard a few years back that humans have a certain number of words that they need to use up per day, in order to feel fulfilled or whatever. I wonder what my number is. Hmm..... :)
19 September 2011
Adjacent
I wrote this Monday evening 19 September 2011. I have found that I am most focused on my writings and thoughts/feelings when I am listening to someone else speak about their passions. I think I piggyback off of their energy, or maybe my own soars next to theirs. :)
___________
Last night, as I was fighting against the weight of Morpheus' cloak, I thought of Mia and Olivia. Thus far Mia and Olivia are in an intimate relationship, but it is not physical. After a discussion (that is my real-life reading of The Ethical Slut) Olivia begins a physical relationship with Alex. After a bit (i.e. after my processing of my reading of Slut), Mia feels comfortable enough to begin being physically intimate, I pondered for a bit about this change. I find Mia to be a reflection of my present self, and I have recently been repulsed by the thought of being physically intimate with anyone, in any capacity. I believe last night was a breakthrough, after weeks of Thinking. Perhaps I'm at the/a point in my life where I need to separate the physical and the emotional. Which leads me to my current state of mind.
I am in love with Estel. I want to get to know her, to Be with her. But not in a physically intimate manner. Which is troubling in itself, but I'll expand on that later. I feel that I want only an emotional relationship with Estel, and should/would/might seek fulfillment of potential physical urges elsewhere. It almost feels as if I don't want to sully any potential connection I can build with Estel by adding any physicality to it. Body fluids cloud the Mind, or rather, it has clouded my mind in the past. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble and I need to take a nice, long break. But let's move into why I might feel some apprehension in revealing this part of myself to Estel.
I'm going to follow the Stars and believe that Estel, as a Scorpio, is an intensely sexual being (but what is sexual anyway?_?). Five months ago, I would have cheered with joy; now I shudder and recoil. I am concerned that perhaps, if any type of connection were to blossom between us, that her desire and my lack of it will conflict.
I will mention that I don't know her well, and certainly not well enough to know about her libido/Jill/sex drive. So I guess everything is still up in the air, but it's still makes me apprehensive, to the point to fear. I would be so disappointed if things fell apart over this detail. :-/
I honestly never thought that I would cease to feel sexual desire. I've always been motivated by physical pleasure, or its potential, and now that I'm not, I feel a little adrift... Really adrift. Almost as if an old friend has left me. What do I have if I do not have my libido/Jill/sex drive?
What does this make me? Have I lost a part of m identity? How can I stand against this torrent of the hypersexual mainstream?
__________
After a bit of thought, and a nice drive home from Tacoma, I think I have the answer. I should focus less on how my sexuality defines my sense of self. I fear that my internalisation of the Dominant culture has caused me to value my sexuality more highly than other qualities that make up Me. :) I simply need to shift some things around in the Pie so that my Sexuality is more level with other parts that make up my particular identity.
That was easy. :)
I will probably want to kick my teeth in for that comment above, but theat's where I'm at at the moment. I also need to focus on being less violent, in general, and towards myself. Things to put on the to-do list.
___________
Last night, as I was fighting against the weight of Morpheus' cloak, I thought of Mia and Olivia. Thus far Mia and Olivia are in an intimate relationship, but it is not physical. After a discussion (that is my real-life reading of The Ethical Slut) Olivia begins a physical relationship with Alex. After a bit (i.e. after my processing of my reading of Slut), Mia feels comfortable enough to begin being physically intimate, I pondered for a bit about this change. I find Mia to be a reflection of my present self, and I have recently been repulsed by the thought of being physically intimate with anyone, in any capacity. I believe last night was a breakthrough, after weeks of Thinking. Perhaps I'm at the/a point in my life where I need to separate the physical and the emotional. Which leads me to my current state of mind.
I am in love with Estel. I want to get to know her, to Be with her. But not in a physically intimate manner. Which is troubling in itself, but I'll expand on that later. I feel that I want only an emotional relationship with Estel, and should/would/might seek fulfillment of potential physical urges elsewhere. It almost feels as if I don't want to sully any potential connection I can build with Estel by adding any physicality to it. Body fluids cloud the Mind, or rather, it has clouded my mind in the past. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble and I need to take a nice, long break. But let's move into why I might feel some apprehension in revealing this part of myself to Estel.
I'm going to follow the Stars and believe that Estel, as a Scorpio, is an intensely sexual being (but what is sexual anyway?_?). Five months ago, I would have cheered with joy; now I shudder and recoil. I am concerned that perhaps, if any type of connection were to blossom between us, that her desire and my lack of it will conflict.
I will mention that I don't know her well, and certainly not well enough to know about her libido/Jill/sex drive. So I guess everything is still up in the air, but it's still makes me apprehensive, to the point to fear. I would be so disappointed if things fell apart over this detail. :-/
I honestly never thought that I would cease to feel sexual desire. I've always been motivated by physical pleasure, or its potential, and now that I'm not, I feel a little adrift... Really adrift. Almost as if an old friend has left me. What do I have if I do not have my libido/Jill/sex drive?
What does this make me? Have I lost a part of m identity? How can I stand against this torrent of the hypersexual mainstream?
__________
After a bit of thought, and a nice drive home from Tacoma, I think I have the answer. I should focus less on how my sexuality defines my sense of self. I fear that my internalisation of the Dominant culture has caused me to value my sexuality more highly than other qualities that make up Me. :) I simply need to shift some things around in the Pie so that my Sexuality is more level with other parts that make up my particular identity.
That was easy. :)
I will probably want to kick my teeth in for that comment above, but theat's where I'm at at the moment. I also need to focus on being less violent, in general, and towards myself. Things to put on the to-do list.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)