Identity

I've been pondering my identity lately, now that I am finding my niche.

Specifically, I've been thinking about how I feel so much more comfortable around Latin@s and "Hispanics" than with any other race or ethnic group.  I'm fairly sure it stems from being around that particular group more than any other growing up, unless you count white folk, but we'll talk about that at some other time.  But being most comfortable around Latin@s makes me feel like a traitor.

I've always felt that there is some sort of hoop I have to jump through in order to be considered "Black enough".  I know the pressure is coming mostly from fucken mainstream society and it's discussing caricatures of "Black" people, but also the Black people I am around daily who have internalised these images and (mis)representations.

It's frustrating and infuriating the damage the mainstream media has done to communities of colour, and particularly the Black community. There is so much strength and power within us; it's make s me feel helpless to know that it's going to take such a long time for our Community to rise up again.

So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I identify as a Black person, but i feel so connected to the Latin@ community.  Hmm... I have a feeling this might be what my sister, who is bi-racial, experiences. Or any person who identifies as multi-racial/multiethnic. Damn this sucks.

I've said to people who are multi-whatever that they shouldn't feel a need to choose, that they should embrace their diversity and be a part of whichever community they want. But it doesn't seem so easy....

I think the worst part is that I'm not latin@ in anyway. I grew up in the culture, but it was intermittent, and not something I can check on a box.  But I feel that shouldn't be the dealbreaker... but then again, I'm not Latin@ and I feel I can't claim the culture as my own.  But am I trying to...?

Ah, such questions....

I'm not quite sure what is going on anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm just looking for Home, and I identify home with Spanish speakers. I grew up in a predominantly Spanish speaking neighborhood, reggaeton blasted from low riders all times of the night, and I would hear more Spanish on the bus than English. I grew up eating rice & beans and listening to salsa.  But again, does that give me a right to claim the culture as my own. There's so much more to a culture than music and language and food.

I'm going to have to bounce this off a few Mechistas and get back to this topic.

Lately

Have I told you I love you? Have I told you you still mean the world to me...?

I've been thinking a lot lately. Well, perhaps not more than my usual introverted self, but I've been recording my thoughts via legal pad (I need to buy a notebook) and it's really helping me to process and sort shyt out.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is my first trip home. It's going to be my first breather in almost nine months. Far too long for me to be away from the East. I have a few serious things I'm planning to discuss with my natal family, specifically my mother and grandmother and my sister.  I know I'm breaking the unspoken rule of the Watson matriarchy, but I will boldly go where no member of my family has gone before. At least if shyt blows up, I can run back to Olympia and try again around the holidays. Eh.

I'vve also entered and exited a romantic intimate relationship. It was an experience, for shizzle. I've learnt a lot and have much to dwell on to make sure my next serious endeavor is more suited to m needs as well as my partners'. Ah, it's about living and learning.

Because of trhis tizzy of a romance, I've decided to take a step back and simmer for a while. If I learned anything for my former lover, it's that I am emotionally depleted. And Olympia is not a place to gas up. I require sunshine and hella Brown and Black folk to recover fully. I'm going to focus on establishing a firm foundation for my studies and career for now.

I managed to make it through the Winter quarter with my sanity intact, and am now fully embedded in Spring. This should prove for an interesting quarter, especially since I have another self-identified Black person in my seminar. He reckons things will become uncomfortable for some of our cohorts. I say to them "Welcome to my world." :-}

I've been doing so muhch writing lately that I feel I'm rediscovering my voice. My, has it changed. I feel that these numerous blogs have really helped me hone it, and I'm excited to see where I wander, creatively, in the near future.

I've been feeling a lot ore friendly towards individuals. It most likely has something to do with the sun that peeks form behind the clouds as it is wont as we delve deeper into Primavera. maybe i'll even manage a tan....  Yeah, I snickered too.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I need to make note of the reasons more often.