Destiny

Nzinga was born with her umbilical cord around her neck and survived. It was a belief that these children would grow up to be proud, haughty, and headstrong individuals.

If there is any more proof needed, y'all can all go ear your livers out in jealousy.  We are the chosen few. :}

Dreams

Dreams are supposedly the subconscious purging itself of excess information... but I ust find them strange.  I actually don't like remembering my dreams.  I had a particularly strange one last night, and it's left me a bit... hmm.  Well, I sneer as I write this, so maybe upset is a good word to fill in this particular blank.

I used to have this recurring dream in my childhood where I was at the daycare center I used to go to when my family lived in Alaska.  I would be sitting on the streetlamp of the abandoned area and repeatedly, throughout the night, fall off the light and right before I hit the ground I would be on top of the light again and falling.  All. Night. Long.  It only kindled the fear I had of heights and ti be subjected to this night after night....

I used to have another dream where my mother would be killed by a stampede much like Mufasa was in The Lion King.  That was the only dream of my childhood that  I actually went o my mother's room in teas for.

I used to have a lot of dreams where I was running from people, usually white men, and just couldn't run fast enough to get away.  I always woke up before anything physical happened though.

And now I mostly have hodgepodge dreams.  I remember snatches of them, but it's nothing worth recording, or so I believe.

I do, however, sometimes have dreams that are premonitions.  Those are always interesting.  One of them recently came to pass, and it was weeks before I remembered it.  In dreams like these, I really wonder how much is actual foresight, and how much is self-fulfilling prophecy.  I feel that recently my belief in the supernatural has waned.

Mistake

Sometimes it feels like sabotage. A person dislikes you and is petty enough to go to extreme means to take you down.

Ok, I'm exaggerating. But still, mistakes can be lethal, especially when it includes gluten mistakes. I know a few celiacs, and I messing around with gluten is not a joke.  And when I am the one selling goods that I believe are wheat-free and actually are not, that have have horrible results for the people who purchase them.  And naturally the trail can be traced back t me, rather an the actual source, who mi-slabelled the products.

It's just really frustrating when people aren't clear, and I take the fall because I'm the medium between the two parties.  Which leads me to how important it is to have clear and open communication, which hasn't been occurring between me and said individual.  Two more weeks though and I'm well shot of them.  I wish it was permanently.  Maybe they would fall off the face of the Earth and I would be able to move about freely, sans static?

Ah well, it's nice to hope. :)

Education Etc.

In recent light of Washington State's governor attempting to cut 1) 20% of funding to all institutes of higher learning, 2) eliminate the State Need grant and 3) Eliminate the work-study program, it seems very likely that I will be moving back to FL to finish my degree. I'm upset, and I will fight this with all that I have, but if I'm packing my ish and heading back East, it is what it is.


But!!!!!

I've now (finally) found my educational path after I graduate with that damn piece of paper that cost me some 50k and has only symbolic worth in this market.

I'm going to either apply for the Master's in History or Gender and Cultural Studies at Simmons College.  The programs actually look like they can sustain my interest for more than a single term, which is always nice.  Unfortunately Simmons is in Boston, MA.  I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to handle yet another covertly racist city, except this place is an actual city and not a bump in the road on the way to an actual city.  But there are two ups to be seen: 1) it's a train ride down to NYC, and 2) it'll be a hell of a lot easier to get to FL and see my sister. And 2.5) the rest of my natal family is smattered across the Eastern seaboard.

My second option is to apply for the PhD program in Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies at Emory Univ.  Emory is world-renown for it's rigor and the earning a degree from there would definitely give me a leg up.  And Emory is located in Hot-lanta!! I will never yearn for Brown and Black faces again in that Chocolatetown :D  I may however want for radical queer faces.  But you take the good with the bad. I'd be in the South (read: Deep South) and I'd be an hour flight to see my sister.

Another option is applying for the Africana Women MA program at Clark Atlanta Univ. It's a historically Black college and to find a program specifically discussing Black women.... my Heart.  ♥___♥ The only hiccups I see are 1) the institution doesn't offer fin aid through the school, and 2) there's no mention of discussing sexuality or querness... This can mean that these topics are discussed and they just don't advertise them or else they don't advertise because they don't discuss them.... If I walked up in there they'd either love me or hate me.  Probably the latter, but it would be awesome to make space for future Black LGBTQ students to roam those halls.  :)

I feel really good about having something like a plan. I start getting antsy when I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like the Pacific Northwest is getting ready to expel me. But no hard feelings. I don't really care for you either.

Obligation

I've noticed lately that I've been doing a lot of things because I feel obligated to one or more individuals involved in that particular organisation....  I don't like this feeling. I'm very used to putting myself before all others.  Maybe this is maturity or compassion or some other such nonsense....?  I don't like it.

Let's start with the Queer People of Colour student org I'm co-coordinator for.  I've long since had the desire to leave.  Like since October when I saw the warning signs of my co-cordinator disappearing just like the did last year.  But I knew just how the org would crumble if I left too.  So I stayed.  And I have been staying and giving my energy (however half-heartedly) over the past eight, nine weeks.  I already have successor in place, I just need it to be 16 December so I can officially hand the baton over. -__-

Next we can touch on MECh@ de Evergreen.  ... this is even more painful than QPOC.  Where to begin....  Well I can start by saying I anticipated the... difficulties that have arisen in MECh@, but not to the degree that they've risen to.  It's actually kind of ridiculous how tense and how much double-talking and sugar coating is going on in this group.  Familia my ass.  Or rather exactly like my familia, where we can be talking for hours and saying nothing at all.  In my humble opinion, there needs to be a hard shakedown of the leadership and a candid discussion about what MECh@ is and how it can function, rather than dragging this poor, half-dead org behind us. My biggest concern, is who will be able to actually voice their discontent, and whether those who need to hear it most can actually set aside their Pride and LISTEN.  IMHO, that's not going to truly happen.  Poor MECh@.  This is the org that truly makes me sad to see it's disintegration. V__V

What both of these orgs has taught me throughout this quarter is the depth of my patience, perseverance and dedication.  I realise that I cannot stay because 'it's a real-life lesson' or because 'I feel I have to due to commitments' or because 'it would fall apart without me'.  Hell's no!!  People gotta learn how to function.  I cannot and will not spread myself thin in order for slackers to thrive.  It happens way too often already, and I'm working my ass off to survive.  But I digress...

What I've learnt most this quarter is how to ration my time.  And to definitely not waste my precious time and energy on orgs or (more specifically) people who don't want me there and won't appreciate my efforts. That's a quick route to burnout and that happens far too often in the social justise community.  From now I need to be more selective about how and on what I dedicate my energies to.

That's the biggest task.  It's so easy for me to be swayed.... I need to dig in my toes and find one cause (ok, no more than three) to give myself to.  Hmm.....

Stir Crazy

It's that time of year again.... When the holidays come around and I find there are weeks on end when I don't have to be anywhere in particular....  Bored bored Gemini.

It's this time of year when I also realise how much I treasure the relationships I've built up.  Moving to Washington, I had a clean slate and had to create any relationship I now have.  I've also lost quite a few in this move.  Not all are cause for sadness though....

And I also reflect on where I was and what I was doing and thinking this time last year.  Sitting in my room and being lonely.  Well, at least one element has changed: I'm not lonely.  I'm actually currently being accused of being anti-social by one of my Aries.  le sigh  I can't really argue with them.  I am certainly not going out of my way to venture from my home.  But after the eventful week I've had, I think I am entitled to a  few well-earned comforts.  Which means sleeping more than 6 hours a night.  And eating more than a few pastries a day.  This is self-care damnit!! (sorry no compound curse words V__V)

.. anyways...

I've recently had this yearning to be in New York City. I think it also has something to do with the time of year it is.  And the fact that I'm thisclose to being done with Evergreen.  If only I was a stronger academic writer.... Then I would have no qualms with leaving this po'dunk town.  -___-

Sex With Friends

I have been Pondering this topic for quite a while. And it's come up every week at SexyTime, a student club on campus where we discuss issues/concerns/joys surrounding sex in a positive manner.  But we've yet to formally discuss it.

Anyhow, Friend and I went swimming Friday evening and had an entire conversation about which of our fiends we would have sex with.  I don't know where Friend is regarding sex, but I view sex with friends as another way to express the deep affection that I do have with my friends. I remember in The Ethical Slut something about 'erotic energy' and I find that to be an interesting concept.  As I establish deeper connections to my intimate friends, it's becoming more apparent (at least in my humble opinion) exactly what 'erotic energy' is and how it feels.  I dunno if I'm at the point where I would actually act on these feelings I have towards a few of my intimate friends, but I feel it. And I find it enriches the friendship, because there's nothing being held back.  But what about society?  How does society influence how we regard friends and friendships and erotic energy that sometimes enters friendships?

I think I'm safe in saying that society does not make very much room for friends expressing their affection towards one another in a sexual fashion. The situation ends in a handful of ways: they form a long-lasting partnership; they never speak to one another again; they have awkward encounters form that point forward; they continue to have sex and gradually feelings develop.  But what about the scenario where they simply remain friends and go about their daily existence?  I haven't seen many examples of that one.  Which leads many to believe it is not possible.

But it is!! Or at least I hypothesise that it can be. I'll try it out and let you know how it goes. :)

Sense

Today as I was speaking with one of my Aries Life Partners, I mentioned how I felt pressure from two of my other Life Partners to act more strongly on another Life Partner.  Now I don't do well under pressure, particularly the external kind. It sounds and feels a bit too much like someone telling me what to do.  And I don't like people telling me what to do, especially if I'm not getting paid.  So.

But I love my LPs and I trust and value their words. So this pressure I felt, at perhaps not being assertive enough, made me second-guess my actions... I could feel myself approaching that ugly path toward Anxiety, but before I'd gone too far, I had a discussion with my Aries. She told me that my pace was the right pace for me, and that rashness was the last thing I should be thinking about.  Which was great, because that's exactly what I was (and still!!) think. But I realise how easily I am swayed by the words of those who I care for and Love.  I need to be a little more solid in my beliefs about what works for me.... Put it on the 'to-do list'.

Tell Me

This weekend I was so... focused.  I know t's been more than a couple of months since I've had that much... energy directed toward one clear, agreed-upon goal.  And my Patience...

It's as if everything has come together. My Summer of Healing and Self-Care, learning Patience, taking the time to re-evaluate what I want, who I am, the general direction I'd like to go.  It was like the most perfect soup, comprised of ingredients I'd grown and nurtured myself.

I just-- I feel really proud of myself. I can name a dozen instances throughout this beautiful weekend where I was patient, took care of myself (and others!) and just listened to the verbal and non-verbal cues of those around me.

The words I am limited to using here cannot express how t felt. So I'll just settle for a smile. :D

When I...

When I get that swelling in my breast, and it feels like I' about to float away....

When I look at the Wind rustling the Leaves of the Trees and I smile at the simplicity and Perfection of Nature...

When I can tolerate just a little bit more of that aggravating someone...

When I want everyone to be happy, simply because I have more than enough Happiness and Joy to spare...

When my snarky comments melt into a smile...

When I don't mind that I am asked the most redundant and obvious questions throughout the day....

When my Patience keeps replenishing itself....

When I want to hug and cuddle more than usual...

When I wake with a smile on my face...

...That's how I know I am in Love. Or something like it.   ♥ 

Googly-Eyes

The Patience I learnt over the Summer makes for Happier days now.  :)

I had so many beautiful people in my world today.  I'm just grateful for them being theirselves and making my day brighter. :)

I had so many good conversations, and connected with so many folks, on many different levels.  From the EF kids who barely spoke English and reminded me of my privilege to chatting in-depth with PAco, who always teaches me something new, to those who try my Patience by simply being in my line of vision.  It really makes me look Inward and evaluate the type of person I am and who I want to be for the future.

Just a really goo rainy, introflective, extroverted day.  Tomorrow I hope for a little more alone time though.  As much as I love interacting with the Public, I do need time to reflect and daydream.  It's part of my self-care package.

To Listen

I've also done a lot of listening this week.  A LOT of listening, but it's good for me.  I talk too much, and take up a lot of space. I'm working on it.

But this week, I almost feel like a therapist.  I've talked people through a lot to things, I've been an anchor for others and for many I am nudging them in the right direction with positive guidance.  I believe this weekend I will focus on myself and bike around the Eastside.

I feel that working on Patience throughout the Summer afforded me the space and the grace to be able to step back and focus my attention on someone other than myself.  It's definitely a valuable skill.  It's also allowed me to step back (yes, even further than I already am) and see more of the picture.  I also realised how much further I have to go.

Learning and growing.  My Gemini(s) are happy, and that makes it so much easier to function.  :D

To Speak

I've been doing a lot of talking these past few... no this last week.  I'm so tired, of speaking and also of hearing.  I love people, and being extroverted is fun, but my inner Introvert is stamping its feet for me to have quiet time.  My quiet time use to be on campus, but now that the school year is kicking up, and everyone seems to know who I am...  I must find anoher locale to think and reflect.

I heard a few years back that humans have a certain number of words that they need to use up per day, in order to feel fulfilled or whatever.  I wonder what my number is.  Hmm..... :)

Adjacent

I wrote this Monday evening 19 September 2011. I have found that I am most focused on my writings and thoughts/feelings when I am listening to someone else speak about their passions.  I think I piggyback off of their energy, or maybe my own soars next to theirs. :)
___________

Last night, as I was fighting against the weight of Morpheus' cloak, I thought of Mia and Olivia.  Thus far Mia and Olivia are in an intimate relationship, but it is not physical.  After a discussion (that is my real-life reading of The Ethical Slut) Olivia begins a physical relationship with Alex.  After a bit (i.e. after my processing of my reading of Slut), Mia feels comfortable enough to begin being physically intimate, I pondered for a bit about this change. I find Mia to be a reflection of my present self, and I have recently been repulsed by the thought of being physically intimate with anyone, in any capacity.  I believe last night was a breakthrough, after weeks of Thinking.  Perhaps I'm at the/a point in my life where I need to separate the physical and the emotional.  Which leads me to my current state of mind.

I am in love with Estel. I want to get to know her, to Be with her. But not in a physically intimate manner. Which is troubling in itself, but I'll expand on that later.  I feel that I want only an emotional relationship with Estel, and should/would/might seek fulfillment of potential physical urges elsewhere.  It almost feels as if I don't want to sully any potential connection I can build with Estel by adding any physicality to it.  Body fluids cloud the Mind, or rather, it has clouded my mind in the past. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble and I need to take a nice, long break.  But let's move into why I might feel some apprehension in revealing this part of myself to Estel.

I'm going to follow the Stars and believe that Estel, as a Scorpio, is an intensely sexual being (but what is sexual anyway?_?).  Five months ago, I would have cheered with joy; now I shudder and recoil. I am concerned that perhaps, if any type of connection were to blossom between us, that her desire and my lack of it will conflict.

I will mention that I don't know her well, and certainly not well enough to know about her libido/Jill/sex drive.  So I guess everything is still up in the air, but it's still makes me apprehensive, to the point to fear.  I would be so disappointed if things fell apart over this detail.  :-/

I honestly never thought that I would cease to feel sexual desire. I've always been motivated by physical pleasure, or its potential, and now that I'm not, I feel a little adrift...  Really adrift.  Almost as if an old friend has left me.  What do I have if I do not have my libido/Jill/sex drive?

What does this make me?  Have I lost a part of m identity? How can I stand against this torrent of the hypersexual mainstream?
__________

After a bit of thought, and a nice drive home from Tacoma, I think I have the answer.  I should focus less on how my sexuality defines my sense of self.  I fear that my internalisation of the Dominant culture has caused me to value my sexuality more highly than other qualities that make up Me.  :)  I simply need to shift some things around in the Pie so that my Sexuality is more level with other parts that make up my particular identity.

That was easy.  :)  

I will probably want to kick my teeth in for that comment above, but theat's where I'm at at the moment.  I also need to focus on being less violent, in general, and towards myself.  Things to put on the to-do list.

"The Help"

While I was attempting to sleep in SeaTac, sometime around midnight, the leaning crew came through. They woke me up, and although people were strewn all over the chairs and floors, they were determined to do their jobs.

Just earlier in the day I was speaking with a friend about how we, as students of colour, and as students in general, need to be more appreciative of how hard the cleaning staff work and be more mindful of how messy we are.

As the cleaning crew @ SeaTac were moving along, I didn't bother to move my bag off the floor, nor adjust my body in anyway. I could say that I was too tired, but I was alert enough to notice that they were there.  I could say that no one else was moving, but I know enough about peer pressure to say i could have moved if I'd wanted. Who's to say I wouldn't have started a trend

But I didn't move. I stayed where I was and I closed my eyes to ignore them.  I'm ashamed I did so. I should know better by now.

One day I will.....

Polyamoury

I've been musing a lot on polyamoury these last month or so.

It began with a simply comment from a friend about how they viewed relationships as meaningless, much as they view marriage to be void of purpose.  After much prying, I managed to wring out of them that their true view of relationship was the mainstream, heterosexual, patriarchal one.  ... Well duh. It wasn't made to function in any type of healthy, communicative, egalitarian manner.

As the conversation continued, Friend and I moved into the realm of polyamoury. I'm currently reading The Ethical Slut, for the second time.  Although for the first go-round, I didn't really get more than a few chapters in because my Mind was in pain from being ripped open, and I gave it a rest. After talking with Friend, I'm back for a second shot, and I'm so into it.

What I really love about TES is that many of the ideas and concepts can be applied to any type of intimate relationship: friendships, romantics, casual, etc.  It's so... trans-...  multi-applicable.  I don't believe it's a word, but it is now! ;)

Ways to avoid and handle jealousy; how to distribute your love and affection to many individuals; how to create a network of love and support... and that's as far as I've gotten. :)  But it's very practical information.  And it's making me rethink the ways that I approach relationships, in general, not just intimate romantic ones.

It's also making me rethink the rule of romantic lovers being "everything" to their partner.  That seems a recipe for failure, putting all of ones eggs/cookies/crayons in one basket. Hmm...  It's actually quite interesting, because a few years ago I experienced the failure firsthand with a friend, whose priorities re-adjusted, leaving me S-O-L. And that's when I realised it was better to spread support out than clump it together.  Hard lesson well learned.

I'm certain the next intimate, romantic relationship I enter will need to be much more flexible than the ones I've experienced in the past.  Now I just need to figure out a way to convey all of this, eloquently yet concisely.

Spain

I've been avoiding this topic for awhile, but it's been a full year, and I think I'm ready to let it go. Well, as much as traumatic experiences really leave us....

I spent last July (2010) in Granada, Spain. I had high hopes for this trip; it had been three years since I'd been to Europe, I was really looking forward to improving my Spanish in its country of origin, and I was getting away from Florida.  Everything was set: I had my euros, an open mind and had even managed to begin friendships with some of the other UCF kids I was to be traveling with.

My Orlando flight went smoothly, and I made it easily into NYC.  Here I encountered a hitch with my luggage that I was to learn about later that day.  Instead of spending my nine hour layover in an airport, I wandered Manhattan's Midtown and Financial District, and fell in love with the City.  I caught an aerporter to JFK, barely  making it 45 minutes before my international flight departs.  I'm panicked, and after figuring out JFK's befuddling signage system I made my way to a ticket counter, because for some odd reason, I didn't have a ticket! I talked to the rep, got my ticket and it was there that I found out I was supposed to have transported my luggage from LaGuardia to JFK.  The barely concealed panic bubbled over and I almost had a breakdown in the middle of the Delta wing of the airport. 

Luckily, there was this older Black gentleman associate who saw my distress and, cool as a cucumber, walked me (yes, New York City and I still managed to get Southern-style customer service) to my gate, even getting me around the security line. This lovely gentleman also assured me that I my luggage would be sent to me, free of charge, if I talked with a Delta rep once I arrived in Spain. He left me at the gate, with my tearful thank yous, and I discovered my flight has been delayed some two hours.  ... -___- It turned out a handful of UCF kids, including my roommate, were also on that same flight, so we made small talk and wandered the cramped, stuffy gates while we waited.

Two hours later we were all on our way to Spain, and it went off without event.  We landed in Malaga, a beautiful coastal city, and met up with our faculty. It's there that I made arrangements for my luggage to be sent to my homestay. Fast forward to Granada, where we were unceremoniously dropped off at a centro comercial with the address of our homestay, a lame map, and told to find our own way to our residences.  Add to that it's 100 degrees outside, most of the shops that could have given us directions are closed for siesta, and that most of the group were beginner/intermediary Spanish speakers.  Truly, a warm welcome to Granada.

Eventually my roommate and I (I forgot her name so we'll call her Marie) found our homestay.  We are beyond fatigued, what with jet-lag and hunger, and I without my luggage and not knowing when it will arrive. Mary and I caught our breaths, and then ask if we might have a late lunch.  No, we can't. In fact, our host-mother informed us we won't be having anything to eat until dinner... at 2130 Spanish time, which is roughly 0200 Florida time.  Uh....  

Luckily for us there was a supermercado not a quarter-mile away, and it actually has siesta hours so it isn't closed!It's then that I learned my wallet is not in my carry-on.... No cash, no card, and my passport was in my luggage.  It was like something out of a bad travel adventure story. What a glorious ending to my day.  Little did I know it was just the beginning.

Throughout the rest of the Summer, I encountered barely concealed racism, from my first host-mother who constantly complained about how 'messy' I was, how much I ate (what was I paying her for?), and poor my Spanish was (why was I studying Spanish in Spain?) and even verbally accosting me when I was able to move out of that homestay; by the society in, being profiled in stores, ignored service in shoppes, being eyeballed and sneered at on the street, etc.; and even thrown into the xenophobia mix due to my African ancestry and the hostility Southern Spain was (is) experiencing at the time.  Add to that my American accent, and we have perfect recipe for alienation, isolation, and depression.

My only respite was school, where there was a nice mix of kids in the class and the profesoras were awesome.  I wish I could have had class for more than five hours a day.

My groupmates. Now there should have been some camaraderie between us, but their classism won out. Not to mention that they could all pass for white or Spanish and could not begin to perceive the difficulties I faced.  Not that I tried overmuch, after seeing some of the xenophobic ideals they held. And my faculty wasn't very sympathetic when I told him how my host-mother was treating me and the other hardships I experienced: hostility, no luggage, no cash.

All of these experiences, combined to make a very jaded Monique, even moreso than I was before I began my trip.  There's something about facing such Othering in another country that made me lose a bit of respect I had for Spainards and definitely dissuaded me from returning to Europe any time soon. But this trip also amped up my sympathies toward immigrants and others who weren't born into a particular culture and experience that same alienation.

Disembarking the plane upon landing in New York was one of the happiest moments of my life.  I cannot express with words how at home I felt when I looked around me and saw a mix of skin-tones and heard not only English, but a variety of other languages.  It's something my mother told me about, how when she returned to the US from South Korea and Germany she felt this settling in being surrounded again by United States' culture.

The US is by no means a perfect society; the same xenophobia I experienced in Granada occurs on a daily basis within our borders. But there's something to be said for the familiarity of this chaos that I live in, and knowing the history and the language and something of the culture and politics, that makes it a bit more bearable.

Three cheers for American racism! (bad joke, sorry)

Parallel

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change my course of action. Ok, I'm sure many people wish this for whatever reason. But I want to do it to meet people sooner than I would have/did. 

Like for example, knowing all of these awesome queer womyn that I do.  If I had seen the show 'Dead Like Me' about two years sooner, I would have been in Olympia (theoretically) two years sooner, and I would have met so many more awesome queer womyn. 

Yes, that was  really vague example, but I could go on and on about this, with multiple examples.  Yet at the same time, it feels greedy to wish for more than I already have. Who's to say that I would have been happy to have met individuals 'before my time' so to speak?  But who says I wouldn't have been deliriously happy to have done so, or that things wouldn't have developed differently than they have now....?

It's almost like a feeling of loss... but I'm always wishing and imagining different scenarios of how my life could have been instead of living for today.  Hmm, it's the faith-seeker in me....  :/

?__?

I'm throwing down my cards; I am utterly and completely confuzzled by my current emotions. Initially I thought I could handle not knowing, but it turns out I didn't know what I thought I knew and now I'm just... I don't even know....

It makes me wonder... do we really stop loving people, esp when it was unrequited? Do we hold fast to Love in the hope that our Beloved will realise what we hold for them and return our Love?

Ever since I opened my mind, truly, to the fact that Love is not a finite commodity (read: polyamoury), things have been getting more and more confusing. This is definitely not something they teach in our white supremacist, patriarchal, capitalistic society. :/

Which leaves me in my current situation, where I still have feelings for Person A, but there is no chance of them being requited. And also have feelings for Person B, and those have yet to be cultivated.  I'm at a loss; my life experience hasn't earned me enough points to be able to solve this one alone. 

Hope

It's been a long process, but I've finally confronted the demons from my past relationship. The catalyst? Chris Brown's Deuces. Not the most positive/pc/sensible song, but it did the trick without me even realising it. I love when that happens; makes the process faster and less painful. :D

Because I have a new potential.... I have to find proper closure to the last partnership I was in. A final review, if you will, of things that caused the breakdown.  And there were quite a few. I'd like to say I do a good job of observing objectively, and I found fault with both myself and my former partner. But someone told me that you have to believe that no one purposefully wrecks havoc.  <-- I'm trying. -__-  No, but in all seriousness, I definitely learnt loads about myself and what I want/need/can tolerate.  Which leads me to the topic at hand...

I would call myself a prudent person, but I don't generally put this much energy into things.  I can usually spin a situation to my liking, but this is... different.  I fell like I'm stepping onto a chess board and every move counts. -__-

It's just that the person that I fancy, whom shall henceforth be refereed to as... Estel (Elvish for 'hope'),  seems a bit out of my league. Which is a really crass way to put it, but there you go. I'm going to have to step up my game a bit and be less lazy overall. Which is always challenging in itself, but I feel this will be good for me.

I felt this instant connection and curiosity when I first encountered Estel a few months back. It really was as if Cupid shot an arrow, and it wasn't the dainty kind we see for V-Day. This was the Hardcore Utility type that leaves a gaping maw in one's Heart.  And the wound is kind of festering, you know? Making me a bit antsy these days.... 

And also very reflective, in a deeper way than I usually do, which is curious in and of itself....  There's something about Estel... some Purity or some Light, that I can't quite put my finger on... Of course, it could be as my abuelito said, that I could be chasing an Idea rather than an actual individual.  But aren't we all just ideas and projections? Not only sacks of blood and humours, but of beliefs, values, and expectations that others have given to us? Are any of us really our own...? But I digress...

Estel has definitely gotten my attention. But the more pertinent question for is: do I have theirs?

Love

Love comes and goes, grows and changes, fades and dies. It's a never-ending cycle, and I wonder... Is Love really something that chooses us, or do we also play a part in Love? 

I know that Love can grow -- Proximity is the key to that.  But what about when people fall in Love? That whole 'Cupid's Arrow" and all.  Or can it be a combination of both...?

And what of platonic love?  Can that come about in the same ways?  And when does Love flip from one to the other, or can both exist simultaneously...?

Hmm...

Identity

I've been pondering my identity lately, now that I am finding my niche.

Specifically, I've been thinking about how I feel so much more comfortable around Latin@s and "Hispanics" than with any other race or ethnic group.  I'm fairly sure it stems from being around that particular group more than any other growing up, unless you count white folk, but we'll talk about that at some other time.  But being most comfortable around Latin@s makes me feel like a traitor.

I've always felt that there is some sort of hoop I have to jump through in order to be considered "Black enough".  I know the pressure is coming mostly from fucken mainstream society and it's discussing caricatures of "Black" people, but also the Black people I am around daily who have internalised these images and (mis)representations.

It's frustrating and infuriating the damage the mainstream media has done to communities of colour, and particularly the Black community. There is so much strength and power within us; it's make s me feel helpless to know that it's going to take such a long time for our Community to rise up again.

So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I identify as a Black person, but i feel so connected to the Latin@ community.  Hmm... I have a feeling this might be what my sister, who is bi-racial, experiences. Or any person who identifies as multi-racial/multiethnic. Damn this sucks.

I've said to people who are multi-whatever that they shouldn't feel a need to choose, that they should embrace their diversity and be a part of whichever community they want. But it doesn't seem so easy....

I think the worst part is that I'm not latin@ in anyway. I grew up in the culture, but it was intermittent, and not something I can check on a box.  But I feel that shouldn't be the dealbreaker... but then again, I'm not Latin@ and I feel I can't claim the culture as my own.  But am I trying to...?

Ah, such questions....

I'm not quite sure what is going on anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm just looking for Home, and I identify home with Spanish speakers. I grew up in a predominantly Spanish speaking neighborhood, reggaeton blasted from low riders all times of the night, and I would hear more Spanish on the bus than English. I grew up eating rice & beans and listening to salsa.  But again, does that give me a right to claim the culture as my own. There's so much more to a culture than music and language and food.

I'm going to have to bounce this off a few Mechistas and get back to this topic.

Lately

Have I told you I love you? Have I told you you still mean the world to me...?

I've been thinking a lot lately. Well, perhaps not more than my usual introverted self, but I've been recording my thoughts via legal pad (I need to buy a notebook) and it's really helping me to process and sort shyt out.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is my first trip home. It's going to be my first breather in almost nine months. Far too long for me to be away from the East. I have a few serious things I'm planning to discuss with my natal family, specifically my mother and grandmother and my sister.  I know I'm breaking the unspoken rule of the Watson matriarchy, but I will boldly go where no member of my family has gone before. At least if shyt blows up, I can run back to Olympia and try again around the holidays. Eh.

I'vve also entered and exited a romantic intimate relationship. It was an experience, for shizzle. I've learnt a lot and have much to dwell on to make sure my next serious endeavor is more suited to m needs as well as my partners'. Ah, it's about living and learning.

Because of trhis tizzy of a romance, I've decided to take a step back and simmer for a while. If I learned anything for my former lover, it's that I am emotionally depleted. And Olympia is not a place to gas up. I require sunshine and hella Brown and Black folk to recover fully. I'm going to focus on establishing a firm foundation for my studies and career for now.

I managed to make it through the Winter quarter with my sanity intact, and am now fully embedded in Spring. This should prove for an interesting quarter, especially since I have another self-identified Black person in my seminar. He reckons things will become uncomfortable for some of our cohorts. I say to them "Welcome to my world." :-}

I've been doing so muhch writing lately that I feel I'm rediscovering my voice. My, has it changed. I feel that these numerous blogs have really helped me hone it, and I'm excited to see where I wander, creatively, in the near future.

I've been feeling a lot ore friendly towards individuals. It most likely has something to do with the sun that peeks form behind the clouds as it is wont as we delve deeper into Primavera. maybe i'll even manage a tan....  Yeah, I snickered too.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I need to make note of the reasons more often.

Nurtrition

I was in the car with some friends recently and we began discussing evolutionary diets. The specific topic was how certain individuals are better suited for specific types of foods based on their ancestry. And it really got me thinking (again) about nutrition and how much shit we ingest on a daily basis that would have made our ancestors sick.

I plan on keeping a food journal for the next 40 days to catalogue what I eat, how frequently I eat and to see if there is correlation based on what I ingest and my mood/well-being. If all goes well, I'll get a bit on insight into my illusive moods and hopefully get a regulatory hold on them. At the worst, I'll realise how badly I need to eat more vegetables. They make me happy.

During this conversation about food and nutrition, I mentioned that there is a company in Sarasota, FL that will take a cheek swab and give you your ancestry, in percentages. For example, I might be 50& African, 25& European and 25% Native American. One of my friends, my wise old OWL, said that she'd entertained thoughts of the testing, before she found out that the company that we would be handing our DNA over to is a huge conglomerate that would most likely be conducting tests with our cells.  That was a little off-putting, esp after reading Michael Crichton's Next.

I reckon that I can do a bit of research and find a jumping-off point as far as a diet that works for me. It will probably consist of fewer dairy products (>__<), but I've got to expand my palate. :( On the bright side, that means recipe searches and cooking, both of which I love. I love coking. I wish my kitchen was cleaner so I would be more inclined to do more of it. But alas, that is another blog.

Lonliness

Just because one is alone, doesn't mean one is lonely. Conversely, just because one is surrounded by individuals, doesn't prevent one from experiencing loneliness.

Loneliness has been creeping in the shadows lately, and today it struck. On the long bus ride home, I had  chance to examine it. Or rather I should say, I was too tired to fight it off any longer, so I thought about it. :P

I am lonely for companionship. This isn't the first time I've experienced it, but it's for companionship greater than friendship. Hmm...  Or maybe I just need to meet some new people.

The loneliness I feel is also tinged with loss, because I just ended a budding relationship. All of the 'what ifs' and 'could-have-beens' still linger. I just need a bit of time....

But now that I am home, in my room, in my bed, alone, I have been thinking how relaxed and relieved I feel. And suddenly not so lonely. 

Therapy

I've been thinking recently about therapy, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

Whilst in the Black Hole, there was much talk of therapy and therapists and how much they help.  Now, I understand how much help counselors can be; it's not that I disagree. It's just that I know, no matter how unbiased and objective a therapist claims to be, their own values undoubtedly affect their advice.

And I would much rather have someone I know well and who knows me giving me advice rather than a professional stranger. Just sayin'

But who knows. Maybe in a few years I'll be a place where I feel that someone with professional conflict resolution and critical thinking skills could help me is an appropriate avenue for me to take to get the help I need.  And then I think about how many people I already know with those skills who are friends of mine.... The lesson here is: become friends with people with communication skills so they can counsel you for free. Working smarter, not harder. ;}

Distracted

I haven't posted in over a month. :( But I had good reason: I was lost in a Black Hole, literally.  I'm still a bit worn, but well on my way to recovery.

I've been wandering around academically as I tried to refocus my independent learning contract from comparing and contrasting the experiences of queer people of colour and white queers, to Black queer studies. And also, realising that 1) I do not do well without academic structure, and 2) learning about Black queer studies is not something I need to do in an academic environment. 

I've also relocated my residence to a place closer to downtown, so that shaved off a helluva lot of stress, as far as commuting and long walks home at midnight are concerned. My roommates are more active than the last ones, but this is still the adjustment period. At least there's a cat and a dog to cuddle. :)  And later on, my rats!! D

Around 01 February  I was taken in by a Black Hole. It was fun for a while, but eventually the stress and the pressure became too much. I'm just thankful that I had enough wherewithal to get out of it before I lost myself. I learnt a lot about myself and what I can handle and definitely increased my emotional awareness.  I may not be perfect (then again, who is?), but I've got my shit a lot for together than some folks walking around today.  It's always about learning and growing; there is always something positive to take away form any situation. 

Well, now that I'm on the other side of all of these experiences, I feel renewed and rejuvenated. I remember what I'm in Olympia to learn and do, and where I'm getting ready to go.  

Deterred, but not derailed! 

Dreaming

I had rather strange dreams that warrants a retelling.

Monday Morn

I was a birth attendant and it wasn't even officially!  This woman was squeezing out a kid (can you see the contortion on my face?) and I had to help her. Ugh, gross!  I had to sit behind her so she could lean on me and I had to coach her through it.  I had to check and tocuh as the baby crowned and then catch the kid as it emerged from her vagina.  And I have no clue what's going on with my imagination, but that did not look like any newborn I've seen on TLC; it was covered in bloody placenta.  No amniotic fluid, none of the white filmy stuff that's supposed to cover fresh kids. (Ugh, I need to wash my hands) And then I had to wipe the muck off the baby's face and we didn't have the suction bulb to clean out the nose and mouth, so instead I breathed into the mouth to give the lungs a kick start.  And then the baby just looked at me; no crying, no wriggling, just stared. 

One of the oddest things about this birth, was that I had no clue who this woman was and i feel like we were in a storage room! So unsanitary!  

Two nights ago 

I had a dream in which three kids had become spectres and were haunting an abandoned building.  The catch was that an EMT, who was responding to an emergency could see them, and I got a feeling that he was responsible for the kids' death....  It doesn't make sense but I could feel the fear of the kids whenever that dude was around.  

I don't like remembering my dreams, because too often they do not make sense.  Or they are creepy, meaning I'm helping with strange births, or dealing with ghosts or trying to avoid getting murdered, which was a dream I had about a week ago.  

It's because I've been getting more physical activity in during my days.  Damn you cardio workouts!! 

Personal

Ah, nothing like Coldplay get an introflection piece rolling.  There's been a shift in my universe and as a writer, the best way for me to view it comprehensively is in words. Here goes....

I think it's so interesting that upon reflection, things seem to line up and we say "Oh yeah, I totally knew that was coming."  I read somewhere that the true meaning of an event occurs when we process it in that instant, and not down the line.  Like when one is supremely happy and later we discount it by saying, "I no longer feel passionate about XYZ, so it wasn't true happiness," etc.  I can't judge my emotion of a past experience against what I feel now.  I've had experiences that colour my perception, so it will always be slightly inaccurate compared to what I truly experienced.  Just my thoughts at this late hour as I fight hard against fatigue....

I feel....  In true fashion, it's too much to properly articulate. But I do know I feel a sense of determination, to 'person up' and really invest myself.  That doesn't happen often enough.  It's a control thing, an accountability issue, and a defence mechanism.

I'm also slightly pissed, because I feel that a catalyst was involved in this change, where I prefer to operate on my own, on my own time....  Yet at the same time, I allowed the catalyst to influence my actions....  So what is really responsible for the change?  Hmm....

Yep, walking the line.  It's not either/or, but maybe it's everything and it's nothing all at once.

Alright, when the existentialism begins, that's where I end. I feel much more settled.  :D

Necesito dormir. Quiero mi cama!  Beunas noche.

Abortion

GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY VAGINA AND AWAY FROM MY UTERUS!!  

I think if we all scream that, we might begin a very interesting... ahem, discussion.

TBC

Distraction

I am in a crest of distraction.  I have an assignment due on Sunday evening, and I cannot get my head back into the work. Now usually I indulge myself when I feel like shirking all responsibility and letting my id wander around until its ready, but this time I'm putting my foot down.

I've recently decided that I am going to graduate school.  Yes, again.  But this time for real, and I have to start now keeping myself focused no matter how distracted and lazy I feel.  It's difficult, hence why I am writing this instead of reading that horribly wordy book.... :le sigh:

I spend most of my day doing things that I enjoy, like listening to WNYC and reading articles on ColorLines and staring out the window wondering if I might see a peek of blue sky through all the thick gray clouds.  I reckon I can spend a few hours reading essays that makes me want to pull out all of my eyebrows and eyelashes.... Ten years and I still can't conquer trichotillomania.

I will get this work done if I have to tape my fingers together to keep my head in the readings.

Si, yo puedo!