Adjacent

I wrote this Monday evening 19 September 2011. I have found that I am most focused on my writings and thoughts/feelings when I am listening to someone else speak about their passions.  I think I piggyback off of their energy, or maybe my own soars next to theirs. :)
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Last night, as I was fighting against the weight of Morpheus' cloak, I thought of Mia and Olivia.  Thus far Mia and Olivia are in an intimate relationship, but it is not physical.  After a discussion (that is my real-life reading of The Ethical Slut) Olivia begins a physical relationship with Alex.  After a bit (i.e. after my processing of my reading of Slut), Mia feels comfortable enough to begin being physically intimate, I pondered for a bit about this change. I find Mia to be a reflection of my present self, and I have recently been repulsed by the thought of being physically intimate with anyone, in any capacity.  I believe last night was a breakthrough, after weeks of Thinking.  Perhaps I'm at the/a point in my life where I need to separate the physical and the emotional.  Which leads me to my current state of mind.

I am in love with Estel. I want to get to know her, to Be with her. But not in a physically intimate manner. Which is troubling in itself, but I'll expand on that later.  I feel that I want only an emotional relationship with Estel, and should/would/might seek fulfillment of potential physical urges elsewhere.  It almost feels as if I don't want to sully any potential connection I can build with Estel by adding any physicality to it.  Body fluids cloud the Mind, or rather, it has clouded my mind in the past. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble and I need to take a nice, long break.  But let's move into why I might feel some apprehension in revealing this part of myself to Estel.

I'm going to follow the Stars and believe that Estel, as a Scorpio, is an intensely sexual being (but what is sexual anyway?_?).  Five months ago, I would have cheered with joy; now I shudder and recoil. I am concerned that perhaps, if any type of connection were to blossom between us, that her desire and my lack of it will conflict.

I will mention that I don't know her well, and certainly not well enough to know about her libido/Jill/sex drive.  So I guess everything is still up in the air, but it's still makes me apprehensive, to the point to fear.  I would be so disappointed if things fell apart over this detail.  :-/

I honestly never thought that I would cease to feel sexual desire. I've always been motivated by physical pleasure, or its potential, and now that I'm not, I feel a little adrift...  Really adrift.  Almost as if an old friend has left me.  What do I have if I do not have my libido/Jill/sex drive?

What does this make me?  Have I lost a part of m identity? How can I stand against this torrent of the hypersexual mainstream?
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After a bit of thought, and a nice drive home from Tacoma, I think I have the answer.  I should focus less on how my sexuality defines my sense of self.  I fear that my internalisation of the Dominant culture has caused me to value my sexuality more highly than other qualities that make up Me.  :)  I simply need to shift some things around in the Pie so that my Sexuality is more level with other parts that make up my particular identity.

That was easy.  :)  

I will probably want to kick my teeth in for that comment above, but theat's where I'm at at the moment.  I also need to focus on being less violent, in general, and towards myself.  Things to put on the to-do list.