"Trust the Timing of Your Life"

Trust the timing of your life. 

I saw this quote on my Tumblr feed tonight and I felt like I'd been gobsmacked.

It's exactly what I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I've been reflecting on how my Life lately has felt like a continuous build-up. As if I'm handed an obstacle, and then I am able to  overcome it and then I get something slightly more challenging and stretch myself a bit more to overcome it.  I dunno if it's my ancestors or my perspective or what. But I see it and I am desperately trying to keep up on my lessons.

I think, too, that I've been feeling very restless lately. Like, restless enough to begin actually changing things so that I can express some of this energy. It was like this last year I've been biding my time and figuring out my Self again. Starting T has been a big journey and I feel like I'm exiting the super-green awkward stage and am able to navigate the world again.

I feel ready to edge out of my comfort zone.

I think I'm ready to begin.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Ezell's Famous Chicken will heal a broken Heart.

Also, sesame balls for the vegans and gf folks. 

I may feel like crap (physically) the next day, but my hear will be healing.  And that's all that matters.

Reflecting

Sometimes I wonder how much more... anxious/neurotic/depressed/dissatisfied I'd be if I didn't write only this little percentage of what I think about everyday.....

And thus I am resolved to record even more of my thoughts for the new year.

Well, actually I started writing more in general and blogging more here near the beginning of the month. It's been going really well so far. I'm even thinking about starting another blog, though I don't know the rationale in that....

I think maybe instead I'll just increase my output for these two public blogs instead. Or maybe just increase productivity on all five of them....

Yeah. That last one tho....

Family Secrets

Yesterday during lunch with a buddy, we got onto the topic of family and specifically our dads. My friend is/was estranged from his dad, who was absent during his childhood.  It wasn't until he was a young adult that he reached out and actually found out what was going on in the home during that time. It brought a lot of resolution and puts a lot of things into context.

This has inspired me. For a long time I had anger at the events of my own childhood, but talking with my sibs about our childhood--esp since we're of different ages and different ways of storing memories--has made be being to rethink things. And yesterday's lunch has me thinking that I'm ready to get all the pieces to this puzzle.

We talked as well about how trauma impacts the dynamics of family and how those dynamics influence later generations. It's historical trauma, but it's interesting how much that trauma lives on and ravages relationships when no one is talking about it. It's as if this beast known as Trauma has a wider playing field because folks are going to overlook/deny/stright-up ignore anything relating to the root.  I recognise that this is a coping mechanism because Black folks have hellla shit to deal with and are still being assaulted with racism via institutions, daily interactions, poverty. Shit is real.

I think or me personally, I'm going to start to be a bit more proactive. I know some family members who have been more willing than others to talk about the hurts they've suffered. I  think that learning about this part of my family hisotry will contextualise the hurts I suffered as a child and help me heal.

I feel like I'm ready to learn about the unspoken parts of my family history not only for myself, but to have these stories to help me put things into context for my own kids.  Each of us carries the weigh of our forebearers and--to mea--it only makes sense to know that we carry the moments of triumph and joy and celebration, and also the traumas and resiliency to keep surviving when the situations are dangerous and even deadly.

I owe that much to my kids. I owe that much to myself. I owe that much to my ancestors, to know their history so it won't be forgotten.

Affirmations From My Younger Sister

This afternoon I was texting with my younger sister, who I call stinky. I was telling her about my crush and also giving her meat-cooking advice (like always) because she had undercooked her salmon and was worried about food poisoning. This child stay undercooking some meat--I told her she should just eat vegetables and beans cuz you can't get salmonella from them. At least not usually. Anyways.

Long story short she's really excited that I have found a nice crush (like, maybe even more than I am. ok sike) and keeps asking when the two of us are gonna hangout and I told her I'd keep her uupdated. Then she rolls out with some:

"I hope they like you. They seem nice. You have a pic with them. That means they don't mind being seen in public with you."

...lawd save this chile...

WTF???!! Who says that???? My sister, that's who. omgawd

But I got her back by telling her her 'cooked' salmon looked pink enough to be in sushi so she burnt it just to make sure. Those older sib reflexes are hard to shake off, even three thousand miles away.... 

Sry, not sry stinky.

Wait, Is This Relationship Actually Amicable??

I honestly never thought it would happen. I have a record that would prove completely contrary.  But lo and behold if I don't have an amicable relationship--dare I say friendship--with an ex.

I never thought we'd get to this place, things were so... tumultuous, like the fucking North Sea in winter--steel gray, cold as fuck, waves meters high. But distance and Time heal and we're talking again. The history is still between us AND we acknowledge it and move forward.

I'm still in shock. But this person is someone I don't think I can live without. Besides, I tried that already. It was not fun.

Hits

Try my other blog. It's much more colourful.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

Regrets

For the past few weeks, I've been thinking about regrets. A friend brought up the subject of mistakes versus regrets, and how they make the distinction--mistakes are choices whose outcomes may be less than ideal, but that the lessons they earn are integral to shaping the person they are becoming, thus there is no regret.

I was waiting for the bus a few days ago and thinking of my regrets.  I too regret very few things--I learn by doing, despite my efforts to learn from observing and witnessing others, but alas, I'm a hands-on person and stubborn to boot. I guess it's part of my process. :le sigh:

I forget the regrets I managed to list, but right now three big ones come to mind, but the one that is currently causing me the most grief is credit card debt.

I know so boring, with me being an american and all, but that shit is so real. Like, ugh, I dread the beginning of the month because I have the bill in my face and it feels like the amount is static. It literally feels like it's never going away, like some weird mole that may or may not be malignant, but I can't afford to go tot he dermatologist to get it biopsied, let alone afford to go to the dermatologist because duh, I'm paying for this credit card.

I think the way this regret has influenced my life is that I don't, don't don't spend anywhere near what I used to. I'll admit, I was caught up in the consumerist culture of Sunny Central Florida, but my conscious ness was awake enough to question the wisdom of spending more than I earned. But I was younger and more reckless and I did it anyway. Like I said, stubborn.

Three years later and I have those reminders every month of what consumerism cost me--thousands of dollars and many thousands more in the forthcoming years. I'm lucky though--the amount is crushing to me, but not soul-crushing. I don't have any assets to seize or dependents that will be responsible if for some reason I can no longer pay. And 'm really about that thrifty lyfe, and also very critical of how capitalism disenfranchises poor folks and swindles us into spending above our means.

I don't believe that money is real, but the bills and the collectors surely are. And I'm not trying to get them any realer after my ass.

Unfriendly Black Hottie

I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways that anti-Black racism* manifests in my life. Mostly because I've been getting pretty fed up with acquaintances and (sometimes) friends who pass judgment on my behaviours without analysing the systems of oppression that are influencing my behaviour.

Well I guess 'fed up' is not accurate.  It's more like... sick with rage and sadness and disappointment and really very frusrated. Like screaming underwater frustrated.

I'm getting to the point where I just don't even make an effort to be polite---I just ignore. Which is probably--ok, its really a very poor defence mechanism, so say I. But it's an old stand-by and I lean on it heavily when I've exhausted the fancy new tools I've picked up during my time in the Northwest.

I recently read a quote on Tumblr, that went something like, "Never apologise for what you did in order to survive." This is something I've been repeating to myself recently, because I'm realising what an assault on my mental health this covert anti-Black racism is, particularly when it's within the 'social justise' circles. Particularly when it comes from other folks of colour.

It's one of the things I'm kind of done with in the Northwest. One of the many things.

Something that sticks with me that I had to deal with the other day was when a light-skinned, mixed API/European person told me that they don't understand why I'm so distant/aloof towards people and that I might be surprised who I can build friendships with.

....

What did Aurien do? I did not snark back or act out. Instead I nodded slowly, calmly grabbed my foodbowl and left the room.

But it's micro-aggressions like these that don't take into account the fact that people perceive my Blackness (and "maleness") as a 'threat'; without factoring in that I am only a 'suitable' companion as long as I don't say anything of substance (aka the 'dumb Black sidekick'); without taking into account that I am used as the 'token Black friend'; and the fact that maybe I don't want anymore fucking friends, among others.  It's when folks cannot imagine outside of their own experience, esp after multiple conversations, that makes me... lose patience and compassion with them.

Anyhow, I think anti-Black racism stings a bit more when it comes from folks of colour. And I also have a harder time bringing it up because... it feels like it's distracting from the dismantling of racism. Now, I know that this is on some faux anti-racist shit because we should all be willing and able to critique the anti-insert racial/ethnic category here. 

I know.

But it's a real thing I have to tiptoe around. I have seen more than a few non-Black poc get hella pissed when I or others try to talk with them about their anti-Black rhetoric.  I try to do it in a compassionate way, but... some folks just aren't ready to hear what I have to say. (This is as eloquent as I get at 1am)

Sometimes when I bite my tongue I think to myself, Damn folks think I'm mean now, what woulda happened if I hadn't filtered that comment...?  But I digress.

I just wish folks would be more willing to acknowledge their non-Black racial privilege and what it grants them, as well as being accountable when they are fucking douchebags who shit all over Black people (even if it's in that psuedo-polite Northwest way) and to recognise that we may all be in this struggle together as non-white folks, but I'll be damned if that means we don't have serious work to do to heal the strife between us.  I mean, white supremacy is still around today because it did and is doing a fucking good job of pitting non-white people against each other. That shit ain't goin nowhere till we look it in the face and t a l k about it--crying, screaming, sharing cake, throwing shit, but we have to talk about it, and that will involve :gasp: non-Black poc owning the ways they benefit from and perpetuate anti-Black racism.

Kudos to the people who are working on their anti-Black shit. I just wish there were more of y'all speaking up and speaking out....

---------------

*So, naturally, racism does not operate in a vacuum--I'm scaling back (though not omitting) my analysis for the way anti-Black racism intersects with some of my other identities, including (but not limited to) being raised and living poor, being a gender non-conforming person, and a Southerner (I dunno if "the academy" recognises Southern bias, but folks mis-understand, mis-represent, under-estimate, and generally hate on anything that comes from the South).

Long Distance Relationships

Recently, I've been reflecting on the fact that the majority of my relationships are long-distance. Friends family, romantic interests.

This is significant in an important way. It means I have to be much more intentional with staying connected because the only impromptu encounters are the very rare times I visit/they visit.

It's also stressful and Heart-wrenching to be so far from the people I care about most, to not be able to hug, kiss, and spend spontaneous time with.

It's so stressful and so worth it.

Looking For a Home

I'm moving again! Within Seattle city limits, tg.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to move and what I'm looking for in a home. I've begun to attach more to the word 'home' because yeah, I live in a house but it's the ownership of the space and the people in it that make it a home. And i'm definitely looking for a home.

Also, I'm kinda done with moving. I have a good feeling about this new place and i'd like to stay for the remainder of my time in Seattle.Or if I decide to stay in Seattle, I only wanna move if I'm seriously partnered and/or have kids.

Like, I am so done with this process.

... Grad School

I've been thinking very recently about going to grad school.  I dunno if it's the fact that the grace period on the majority of my student loans is expiring or that I'm bored being out of the classroom (not that I wasn't bored in the classroom as well) or maybe it's the fact that UW is every present and is whispering to me late at night.

Actually, I have a pretty firm idea of what's making the prospect of paying someone to tell me what to do is.

I'm not going to do a social science.

I love learning about peoples and the way they think and do shit and how the histories of our ancestors are alive today because we are living and doing them. But I don't wanna study in an academic setting. I've had enough theory to last me the rest of my life and I'm ready for a new avenue.

I'm thinking architecture or urban planning or engineering.

I love natural science and how things work and figuring out ways to do things better and more efficiently. I love learning about how everyday life patterns form. I also get really annoyed when I look at something and can think of five ways to do it more efficiently, if not better.

I'm still in the beginning stages, but I'm on UW's website trying to find something that I can commit to for two yeras.

Ugh, I just dropped the 'c' word of my own accord. This must be serious.

What Don't You Get?

My roommate invited me to some queer punk show. I declined and told her I will always decline her invitations, though I appreciate her efforts. She told me that I have fun in ways that she doesn't get.

Ok. So my idea of fun isn't at a show with loud music that gives me a headache, surrounded by folks who I have no interest in getting to know who are on substances, trying to talk to me, probably touching me without my permission, ignoring me entirely or tokenising me because of my Black skin.

How is it unclear why this is un-fun to me?

And why is it so difficult to understand that I'd rather hang out at someone's house, eating food, making art, or sitting in their kitchen talking. What about this as Aurien's version of fun is unclear?

Why do people have to constantly shit on my fun? Like, I don't get it. Do your fun, I'll do mine and we can talk about our respective funs over brunch Sunday morning.

But not if you're going to be an asshole. Then no, you can't have some of my delicious yummy-ripe. Cuz fuck you for shitting on my fun.

This Is How It Begins

oh goodness. when my gemini and scorpio come together it's all my pisces can do to keep a grip on sanity.

my Rabbit is freaking out.

but it's good to shake things up every once in awhile.

I got that Slytherin ambition.

Humbled

Today i had a friend tell me of the first time we met.

She said we met in the student of colour lounge during the Summer before her First Year. She told me I gave her the 'deadface' when she told me that she hadn't registered for classes and that I told her to talk with the awesome, queer academic advisor. I apparently also told her about the paltry transit system in Oly, which helped her out a lot.

I sat in embarrassed shock, because I vaguely recalled this and also, my manner is so not PNW--it's purely Southern and comes off as a little.... harsh. :/

But my friend said I helped her out so much and 'gave a face to the process' or at least scaled it down to a manageable size.

I'm still shocked. I don't think often about my impact with my peers, or at least first impressions, particularly when I'm relaxed and not in PNW-mode.

But to know that I helped her out, and showed her where the path is... she said her college experience would have been vastly different if she hadn't encountered me in the lounge that day.  And that she's thankful for it.

I am so fucking humbled. So fucking humbled to know that something that didn't mean much to me, meant so much to someone else and that I helped her navigate this hugely, dizzying, bureaucratic system. Particularly as a women of colour.

Holy fucking shit.

I think a lot about my impact with kiddos, because I work with kids, but I often forget to think about how the way I move through the world influences my peers.

Things I need to be more mindful of.....

Something's Missing

I feel like something is missing. Not in myself, but.... something that will make things make a little more sense. A purpose maybe, or a goal.

It's as if I'm going through these motions and I don't know what it's for. I'm doing things just to do them or because they are expected of me. I don't like this feeling of empty activity.

Maybe it's because I don't have roots in the Northwest. I have friends, who aren't from the area and who are returning to their respective homes. Bu I have no lasting connexions here, and my history is not in the soil--there's nothing to keep me here.

Maybe what's missing is the want to have roots... here??

...

My Heart will always beat in the South--this I know. But maybe I'm looking for something to tie me down here....

Maybe that's what I'm waiting for.

I think the only way that would happen is if I create a family here.  Family, in terms of children with a partner/partners.

I have some ideas about how this can happen... but who knows. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Oh wait. The controlfreak in me is not down for surprises.

Hmm, well I've found that Hints are often thrown in my face, so as long as I am,--ahem--vigilant, maybe I won't be caught too off guard and will take the situation with grace.

Maybe.

Grateful Journal

I've done a second overhaul of my Tumblr. I've decided to re-focus my attention on the things that happen in my daily that I am grateful for.

I feel a difference in my days. I think too that I've been doing a lot of things to help ease my... whatever-I-can't-think-of-the-appropriate-word.

Hmm, maybe it's like--

I've made a lot of changes that are helping with my physical functions and my mental well-being--and the Spirit was the final piece. I feel much healtheier overall, the best I've felt in a long time.

But I feel like there's something more I need to do.... something that's waiting for me to figure out what it is.

I think maybe that's why I've been writing so much these past few days. Like hours of journaling, not blogging. And that's kinda why I've been a little neglectful of online blogs. :/

But there's just something about pen on paper that... sings to my Soul. :)