Regrets

For the past few weeks, I've been thinking about regrets. A friend brought up the subject of mistakes versus regrets, and how they make the distinction--mistakes are choices whose outcomes may be less than ideal, but that the lessons they earn are integral to shaping the person they are becoming, thus there is no regret.

I was waiting for the bus a few days ago and thinking of my regrets.  I too regret very few things--I learn by doing, despite my efforts to learn from observing and witnessing others, but alas, I'm a hands-on person and stubborn to boot. I guess it's part of my process. :le sigh:

I forget the regrets I managed to list, but right now three big ones come to mind, but the one that is currently causing me the most grief is credit card debt.

I know so boring, with me being an american and all, but that shit is so real. Like, ugh, I dread the beginning of the month because I have the bill in my face and it feels like the amount is static. It literally feels like it's never going away, like some weird mole that may or may not be malignant, but I can't afford to go tot he dermatologist to get it biopsied, let alone afford to go to the dermatologist because duh, I'm paying for this credit card.

I think the way this regret has influenced my life is that I don't, don't don't spend anywhere near what I used to. I'll admit, I was caught up in the consumerist culture of Sunny Central Florida, but my conscious ness was awake enough to question the wisdom of spending more than I earned. But I was younger and more reckless and I did it anyway. Like I said, stubborn.

Three years later and I have those reminders every month of what consumerism cost me--thousands of dollars and many thousands more in the forthcoming years. I'm lucky though--the amount is crushing to me, but not soul-crushing. I don't have any assets to seize or dependents that will be responsible if for some reason I can no longer pay. And 'm really about that thrifty lyfe, and also very critical of how capitalism disenfranchises poor folks and swindles us into spending above our means.

I don't believe that money is real, but the bills and the collectors surely are. And I'm not trying to get them any realer after my ass.