I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways that anti-Black racism* manifests in my life. Mostly because I've been getting pretty fed up with acquaintances and (sometimes) friends who pass judgment on my behaviours without analysing the systems of oppression that are influencing my behaviour.
Well I guess 'fed up' is not accurate. It's more like... sick with rage and sadness and disappointment and really very frusrated. Like screaming underwater frustrated.
I'm getting to the point where I just don't even make an effort to be polite---I just ignore. Which is probably--ok, its really a very poor defence mechanism, so say I. But it's an old stand-by and I lean on it heavily when I've exhausted the fancy new tools I've picked up during my time in the Northwest.
I recently read a quote on Tumblr, that went something like, "Never apologise for what you did in order to survive." This is something I've been repeating to myself recently, because I'm realising what an assault on my mental health this covert anti-Black racism is, particularly when it's within the 'social justise' circles. Particularly when it comes from other folks of colour.
It's one of the things I'm kind of done with in the Northwest. One of the many things.
Something that sticks with me that I had to deal with the other day was when a light-skinned, mixed API/European person told me that they don't understand why I'm so distant/aloof towards people and that I might be surprised who I can build friendships with.
....
What did Aurien do? I did not snark back or act out. Instead I nodded slowly, calmly grabbed my foodbowl and left the room.
But it's micro-aggressions like these that don't take into account the fact that people perceive my Blackness (and "maleness") as a 'threat'; without factoring in that I am only a 'suitable' companion as long as I don't say anything of substance (aka the 'dumb Black sidekick'); without taking into account that I am used as the 'token Black friend'; and the fact that maybe I don't want anymore fucking friends, among others. It's when folks cannot imagine outside of their own experience, esp after multiple conversations, that makes me... lose patience and compassion with them.
Anyhow, I think anti-Black racism stings a bit more when it comes from folks of colour. And I also have a harder time bringing it up because... it feels like it's distracting from the dismantling of racism. Now, I know that this is on some faux anti-racist shit because we should all be willing and able to critique the anti-insert racial/ethnic category here.
I know.
But it's a real thing I have to tiptoe around. I have seen more than a few non-Black poc get hella pissed when I or others try to talk with them about their anti-Black rhetoric. I try to do it in a compassionate way, but... some folks just aren't ready to hear what I have to say. (This is as eloquent as I get at 1am)
Sometimes when I bite my tongue I think to myself, Damn folks think I'm mean now, what woulda happened if I hadn't filtered that comment...? But I digress.
I just wish folks would be more willing to acknowledge their non-Black racial privilege and what it grants them, as well as being accountable when they are fucking douchebags who shit all over Black people (even if it's in that psuedo-polite Northwest way) and to recognise that we may all be in this struggle together as non-white folks, but I'll be damned if that means we don't have serious work to do to heal the strife between us. I mean, white supremacy is still around today because it did and is doing a fucking good job of pitting non-white people against each other. That shit ain't goin nowhere till we look it in the face and t a l k about it--crying, screaming, sharing cake, throwing shit, but we have to talk about it, and that will involve :gasp: non-Black poc owning the ways they benefit from and perpetuate anti-Black racism.
Kudos to the people who are working on their anti-Black shit. I just wish there were more of y'all speaking up and speaking out....
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*So, naturally, racism does not operate in a vacuum--I'm scaling back (though not omitting) my analysis for the way anti-Black racism intersects with some of my other identities, including (but not limited to) being raised and living poor, being a gender non-conforming person, and a Southerner (I dunno if "the academy" recognises Southern bias, but folks mis-understand, mis-represent, under-estimate, and generally hate on anything that comes from the South).
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