Composed on a 20-minute walk
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I have this fear; fear of failure, and it's causing a massive stagnation. I've been really frustrated lately, with almost everything in my life. And it struck me, as I turnt onto Bigelow St, that I don't have to be here. I can leave. Yes, it will be hard and will take a long period of adjustment, but if I was raised in the overtly racist South and somehow managed to survive two years here in the pseudo-Liberal Pacific NorthWest, I figure I can do it almost anywhere. I get this one lifetime--I'm not counting on conscious reincarnation--so I need to seize the opportunities that are presented. I can do anything, because I have all the time in the world and, conversely, I have none at all.
Why should I continue to let this Fear be paralytic? Why can't I convert this emotion into a catalyst to make me a more productive person? I always feel that I have a finite amount of energy to dedicate to activities; this mindset is limiting. I should.. broaden my landscape, and maybe tap into a few Black feminists for some guidance. ;)
22 July 2012
Silver Lining
Working for my current employer has helped me to further develop the skill of spotting bullshit and keeping my mouth shut in the face of bullshit. Aaaaaaaand, it's helped me off the clock as well!! Talk about transferable shill. Too bad it can't go on my resume. -__-
20 July 2012
Taste of Mortality
(Mostly) Composed Wednesday, 11 July 2012
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Two Sundays ago, I was involved in three bike accidents.
The first was caused by my own stupidity, and I paid for it, with a twisted shoulder, a cut finger, a scraped calf. I've never actually tumbled off my bike in the... two accidents I've had since I started riding a bike. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. IF the soreness at the base of my skull was any indication, wearing my helmet definitely saved me a more serious cranial injury. What smarted the most, was guilt of having caused the entire accident and hurting a friend. :/
The second was a driver's fault, when she failed to use her turn signal and I managed to stop myself with my front brake--the downside was I also slammed my left knee into coarse gravel. I'm still feeling that injury. What really shook me up was the casual recklessness of others
The third involved the serious injury of a friend, though they're well enough now. At the time though, it was all I could do to remain calm in a situation completely out of my control. The only thing that kept me rooted was channeling the Strength of my mother; she always manages to keep a cool head when shit gets real, and it was fucken real that afternoon. It was a few days later that I learnt later someone else I know (who's quickly finding a place in my Heart) suffered brain damage in his bike crash, a few days before.
Blood and Brains. These accidents remind me that nothing is permanent and that tomorrow people I Love and Care about may not be here. I may not be here. How would it be if they didn't know and I never got the chance to tell them? Could I live with the regret of having held in my words and emotions for rear of rejection, embarrassment? Reciprocity?
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Two Sundays ago, I was involved in three bike accidents.
The first was caused by my own stupidity, and I paid for it, with a twisted shoulder, a cut finger, a scraped calf. I've never actually tumbled off my bike in the... two accidents I've had since I started riding a bike. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. IF the soreness at the base of my skull was any indication, wearing my helmet definitely saved me a more serious cranial injury. What smarted the most, was guilt of having caused the entire accident and hurting a friend. :/
The second was a driver's fault, when she failed to use her turn signal and I managed to stop myself with my front brake--the downside was I also slammed my left knee into coarse gravel. I'm still feeling that injury. What really shook me up was the casual recklessness of others
The third involved the serious injury of a friend, though they're well enough now. At the time though, it was all I could do to remain calm in a situation completely out of my control. The only thing that kept me rooted was channeling the Strength of my mother; she always manages to keep a cool head when shit gets real, and it was fucken real that afternoon. It was a few days later that I learnt later someone else I know (who's quickly finding a place in my Heart) suffered brain damage in his bike crash, a few days before.
Blood and Brains. These accidents remind me that nothing is permanent and that tomorrow people I Love and Care about may not be here. I may not be here. How would it be if they didn't know and I never got the chance to tell them? Could I live with the regret of having held in my words and emotions for rear of rejection, embarrassment? Reciprocity?
09 July 2012
Reciprocity & Care
Sometimes, I feel this is an unending inner dialogue....
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I have a lot of people I know, most of them are acquaintances, some of them are friends because we've managed to establish a level of intimacy. A few of those friends have my trust, but even within that select group, I have even fewer I'd actually ask for help from. And I wonder where that stems from.
Maybe it's because I always offer people help, I expect folks to know me well enough and pay attention to my cues enough to offer before I need to ask. Like if someone know is in a tough situation, I imagine what my needs and wants would be, and I go from there. Is it because I'm really thoughtful, or are others are unintentionally thoughtless? Maybe the folks around me aren't as observant as I am? Or maybe I'm that unreadable? Am I too expectant and assumptive? Demanding? :/
Maybe I have this anticipatory response in nurturing others because whenever I was unwell and my Maisy took care of me, she responded to my needs before they even arose. Food, drink, potty breaks, medicine. She made certain things were within reach and had me on such a tight schedule that I never had to ask. Maybe this care and attentiveness has made me super-conscious of how to care for others. Maybe I was spoiled by her great bedside manner.
And maybe I'm super cranky cause it's been a rough couple of months and I feel mentally and emotionally depleted, and then these accidents happened yesterday. ... And maybe I just really miss my Maisy and the amazing way she took care of me.
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I have a lot of people I know, most of them are acquaintances, some of them are friends because we've managed to establish a level of intimacy. A few of those friends have my trust, but even within that select group, I have even fewer I'd actually ask for help from. And I wonder where that stems from.
Maybe it's because I always offer people help, I expect folks to know me well enough and pay attention to my cues enough to offer before I need to ask. Like if someone know is in a tough situation, I imagine what my needs and wants would be, and I go from there. Is it because I'm really thoughtful, or are others are unintentionally thoughtless? Maybe the folks around me aren't as observant as I am? Or maybe I'm that unreadable? Am I too expectant and assumptive? Demanding? :/
Maybe I have this anticipatory response in nurturing others because whenever I was unwell and my Maisy took care of me, she responded to my needs before they even arose. Food, drink, potty breaks, medicine. She made certain things were within reach and had me on such a tight schedule that I never had to ask. Maybe this care and attentiveness has made me super-conscious of how to care for others. Maybe I was spoiled by her great bedside manner.
And maybe I'm super cranky cause it's been a rough couple of months and I feel mentally and emotionally depleted, and then these accidents happened yesterday. ... And maybe I just really miss my Maisy and the amazing way she took care of me.
06 July 2012
Distance
Today I logged into FB and looked at the goings-on of my friends. And I felt this weird alienation, like we have nothing in common and I don't belong.... This has been happening a lot lately. Maybe this is part of the Shedding cycle I'm currently in... ?__?
01 July 2012
Fun Facts
I'm incredibly restless. Let's see if this will distract me for a few moments.
1) I see myself as a cartoon
2) I'm an early bird, a night owl, and an afternoon sleeper
3) My sex dreams are always lucid.
4) I want to be an otter in my next lifetime
5) Butterflies creep me out more than spiders
6) I don't really like chocolate. I eat it out of habit
7) I'm constantly quoting songs, movies, and TV shows.
8) I've been able to name and place all 50 US states and their capitols since I was 8
9) My favourite composers are Debussy and Vivaldi
1) I see myself as a cartoon
2) I'm an early bird, a night owl, and an afternoon sleeper
3) My sex dreams are always lucid.
4) I want to be an otter in my next lifetime
5) Butterflies creep me out more than spiders
6) I don't really like chocolate. I eat it out of habit
7) I'm constantly quoting songs, movies, and TV shows.
8) I've been able to name and place all 50 US states and their capitols since I was 8
9) My favourite composers are Debussy and Vivaldi
This is a Test
This is a test
A test of wills, and won'ts
a test of my will to see just how long I can survive
beneath the strain.
Cracks already beginning to form
Slowly spreading like a network of the finest spider's silk
A test of wills, and won'ts
a test of my will to see just how long I can survive
beneath the strain.
Cracks already beginning to form
Slowly spreading like a network of the finest spider's silk
Quotes
Tumblr is an excellent resource!! Look at the great quotes I've found!!
Infatuation is when you find someone who is absolutely perfect. Love is when you realise that they aren't and that it doesn't matter. - Unknown
It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit. - Eartha Kitt
Intimacy means more than sex, as you know. It's about the connection of souls. You are intimate when you are fully with another. In fact, this has very little to do with that which is physical. - Neale Donald Walsch
As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. - Steve Maraboli
Infatuation is when you find someone who is absolutely perfect. Love is when you realise that they aren't and that it doesn't matter. - Unknown
It's all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit. - Eartha Kitt
Intimacy means more than sex, as you know. It's about the connection of souls. You are intimate when you are fully with another. In fact, this has very little to do with that which is physical. - Neale Donald Walsch
As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. - Steve Maraboli
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