I finally managed to 'dig deep' enough to solve this months' long riddle. It took several breakdowns; late-nights of Faith-seeking; wrong turns; and friends calling me gently and insistently in to finally get here. It has not been a fun journey, though I know it was a very necessary one.
What finally managed to sink in on the long walk home from Capitol Hill last night was that I have been desperately searching for it intimacy.
Which I mean, duh, I live for intimacy. Having enough of an emotional connexion with someone else to be able to talk about real shit and to trust the advice that is given; and to be able to pick up where you left off even if it's been months since the last time you spoke; and to be able to hug someone fro from behind and say 'I love you' and have it seen as uncomplicated affection... I FUCKEN LOVE THAT SHIT!!!
Funnily enough though, I was in this mindset that it was a particular type of intimacy--romantic intimacy--that would soothe the itch, as it were.
But that's like, no, I have intimacy all over the place, though it has been lacking as of late. I have been spending so much time trying to develop emotional intimacy that I've been letting those relationships that help sustain me--family, chosen family, and close friends--drift away a little over the past few months.
Haha, but no more!! I'm taking a lengthy break from romance and re-routing all of that emotionally volatile energy back to the original source.I think those folks will appreciate it.
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