A is for Aero

My mom has the gift of foresight, for better or for worse. My younger sister has it too. I think it amounts to a willingness to receive....

Anyhow, I was riding the bus from Seattle  after work as was staring out the window, daydreaming and thinking of names that begin with A. I've always been a fan of vowel names and even more so now that my name starts with A. Anyways, I was trying to think of neutral, unique A names and I stumbled upon Aero. I was lukewarm to it and rolled it around my mouth while staring at the freeway flying by.

When I spoke it a third time, I had a premonition. Or that's what I like to call it.

I saw the image of a kid, of about three or four years and they were stretched above my head in classic airplane mode. They were fine-boned, brown skinned, with straight-ish dark brown hair in a bowl cut had a fierce look of joy on their face. They had their arms outstretched as if to take flight and said, "Aero-plane!" as I said Aero for the third time.

I have a feeling this is either my kiddo or a kiddo that's going to play a big part in my life.

I can't wait to meet them.

Fa-ti-gue

I hadn't realised how sleep deprived I was until this morning when I woke up without feeling like I'd been rundown by a city bus.

I've been trying to sleep train myself to not be so sensitive to noises, because I do share this house with (at least) four other people at any given time. But I have roommates who get up early in the morning and amble around the kitchen, I have roommates who slam doors, I have a roommate who sleeps above my room and drops shit loudly at random times in the late night and late morning. I have roommates who run up and down the creaky old stairs. I ahve roommates who play music with bass kicked up so loud it makes my temples ache.

I'm going to concede defeat and use my sound machine for the next however long it takes for me to start feeling rested again. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

I Will Go Down With This Ship

*spoiler alerts for the 90s anime Yu Yu Hakusho*

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Today i finished the series Yu Yu Hakusho. It used to air on Adult Swim or Toonami... I think Adult Swim.... Anyhow, I love the show. Its kind of a pillar of my mid- to late-adolescence.

The show also has one of my favourite ships of all time/teenage OTP--Hiei/Kurama.  In case you're unfamiliar with fanfiction jargon, ship is short for 'relationship' and OTP is 'one true pairing'.  Basically, it's like 'what characters of a show do I like to imagine have romantic/sexual relationships' and who do I think would be the best ever couple together? OMG I can just imagine them riding off into the sunset together and living happily ever after together, Snow White style!'  It's like that.

Anyhow, today I finished the series.  And in episode 111, there's a moment when Hiei gives a precious stone to Kurama, who politely tells Hiei he's not interested in him as anything more than a friend. The sweat drop on Hiei's head combined with the fact that the writers have been leading ALL of US along since the introduction of these two characters what too much. I imagined a fleet of Hiei/Kurama ships going up in flames, with poor souls jumping overboard as the structure was engulfed in flames.

I fell the fuq out. Literally.

I shrieked and fell off my bed, and hollered for a good minute. I was so loud, my roommate had to let my dog in from outside because puppy was concerned. And I still laughed. That shit was def worth the ten year wait.

I love when writers/directors tap into potential ships and lead viewers along. I mean, clearly it's toying with my emotions, but I don't mind. Because we all know that there is SOMETHING going on between the two of them. It's written between the lines. We so don't have to acknowledge it openly, I get it. The world is not ready for this kick-ass power couple.

And that is why there's fanfiction and fanart.

Taking Things For Granted

Tonight has reminded me that I need to be grateful for all the things I have.  It's so easy to get caught up in the 'I wish I had..." and the "I need..." and "I want...."

I need to take a moment and realise that I have so much. That I need to quit taking it for granted. That I need to show my appreciation and gratitude more.

Authenticity

I've been thinking a lot lately about authenticity when beginning new relationships--romantic, professional, friendships--and the ways in which I am not completely authentic. I recognise that in some situations, compromise must be made--esp if it's livelihood we're talking about, cuz rent needs to get paid.

I was talking with Muffin last night about ways in which we mask certain parts of our personalities because we want to be 'nice' or 'make a good impression' when beginning new relationships, and how I feel this isn't something that works for me. I also saw a post on Tumblr that said something to the effect of, "There's no point in hiding parts of ourself form the other person--it's going to come out eventually."  She agreed and added that if there are parts of our personality we feel need to be hidden, then it's probably something that needs to be worked out anyway, because those behaviours are impacting our current relationships as well.

Wisest Muffin.

Since this conversation, I've been thinking a lot about parts of my personality that I mask, and I notice it's mostly my moodiness and my snark.  I've been doing so less as I get older, because I recognise that not everyone can keep up. But I 'm also reflecting on different tactics I use to let folks know what they're getting themselves into.  Directness is probably the best method I've found, as well as doing my own investigation to figure out the roots of my moodiness and snarkiness--mainly social anxiety.

Most folks are pretty receptive when I tell them, and that releases the pressure I feel to 'perform' or 'behave' and those aren't usually big issues in our relationship--unless I engage with gluten, which is guaranteed to release the moodiest, snarkiest Aurien.

Still working on that.

"Touchy-Feely"

Today in a job interview at a local public school, my approach to relating to, talking with, and caring for children was called "touchy-feely".

If by touchy-feely, the interviewer meant that I continuously work to communicate openly and honestly with them; love and squeeze them; run around with them on sunny days and splash with them in puddles on rainy ones; listen attentively to their stories; try to answer the mind-blowing questions they come up with; share interests with them; help them tie their shoes; strive to be emotionally available; and generally value young people as human beings with valid thoughts, ideas, and emotions that are worthy and deserving of respect--

They yes. I guess I'm pretty "touchy-feely".

Grateful for Children

I'm feeling really grateful to that day during the Summer of 2004 when I tagged along with high school buddies to volunteer at a local childcare center.  I was missing my baby cousin and baby nephew so badly and I just wanted to be around babies.  Little did I know that sporadic volunteering would turn into a regular after-school thing would grow into my first every jahb and I'd be looking back a decade later with awesome childcare experience, having found my life's work.

I have loved dozens of children, and I hold the gifts they shared close to my Heart--from Darrius who always used to pinch me and Nadica the 3yo who would curse me out in Hatian Creole to Baby Larry who was the biggest 10-month old goofball I've yet to encounter to Kendall, who's mom always kept her outfits coordinated down to her shoelaces and my baby Noah, and those days when I literally carried him the moment he walked through the door just so he wouldn't shriek the entire day.  All of these kiddos taught me something about myself and what it takes to take care of and be cared for.

I love children--even when it's tought--and I am so honoured to work with them and learn from/with them and to grow alongside them.  Young children have taught me some of the most valuable lessons in my life--they've reminded me that we're all learning and that the learning process cannot be taken for granted; they've taught me that's it's ok to break down and cry because sometimes that what's needed at that moment, they've taught me about kindness and being willing to share; they've taught me that I am an eternal child and that I never want to grow up.

Intimacy

My emotional needs have been changing.  There are folks who've provided a lot of support for me in the past who I've drifted away from, some I've turned away from, and still others have turned away form me.  I'm learning to be ok with these changes.

I'm a fiercely private person, and I don't often share with others the roots of my thoughts, concerns, wonderings, etc.  Even here, on these blogs, when writing is my easiest form of communication. It's a complex issue, one I may (not) save for another post.

Anyhow, recently I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and actually saying some of the more personal things that wander through my mind.  I've gotten mixed results--I've felt mixed results--and it's given me even more to think about, in terms of who I'm building a deeper connection with, what I actually care to share, and who I won't be sharing things with any longer.  Overall though, I'm really pleased that i'm finally feeling steady enough in myself to say these deep things aloud.

Something I'm noticing more now is who I share certain things with. I used to believe in a catch-all person--someone who I could talk with every thing about. :cough: Yeah, not anymore. Every person has their strengths and I find it easier to talk with one friend about trans*masculinity and family shit with another and Love with someone else.

Well, actually, I'll talk Love with just about anyone who will listen. I'm a romantic and I'm always bouncing ideas off folks to determine whether they are swoon-worthy enough to add to my repertoire.  And also to gush over Love quotes. My buddy PSM is super great for that.    

It's really interesting to note who the folks I can communicate easily with about real shit are and folks who who I try to connect with but it's just better if we eat burgers together and shoot the superficial shit.

I need  a balance of both.

But mostly I just need burgers, to fill the Void. Peanut butter-strawberry shakes fill the sadness of my Heart.

Black Women

crosspost with CMQ and JTA

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I was/am raised by Black women. I was/am guided by Black women. I was/am nurtured by Black women. I was/am loved by Black women.  

I've been reflecting on my interactions with the Black women in my family, and how these have changed as I've begun to be perceived as a man. 

I've been reading about Black masculinity in bell hooks' 'We Real Cool,' and trying to figure out how my performance of masculinity has been impacted by being a person that was assigned female at birth, and how this socialisation has influenced and continues to influence the decisions and choices I make. 

I've been thinking about how Black women are portrayed in the media and the sometimes overt, but oftentimes subtle misogynoir (anti-Black racism and sexism) that I observe from this gray-area I inhabit between the worlds of masculinity and femininity.  

Is the fierce protectiveness I feel for Black women paternalistic and condescending? Am I perpetuating the sexist cycle of Black masculinity by stifling the autonomy of Black womanhood? How can I balance these conflicting feelings to create stronger, healthier bonds between myself and the Black women in my life?

I've been thinking a lot about the power and benefits* I am granted as a person who can move through men's spaces, and how to use this power to interrupt anti-Black sexism within (and outside of) the Black community.

I have been struggling to understand how I Love Black women, and in what ways. How do I honour this Love? In what ways am I challenging my internalised misogynoir, as a person who once identified as a Black woman? How is this Love changing as I am granted male benefits*?

I've been thinking deeply about the time I identified as a Black woman, and a sense of loss of community I feel by no longer identifying as such. How can I use this lifetime of experience to create space for conversations around gender, masculinity, femininity, and gender expression in the Black spaces I move through? 

These are a few questions I've been mulling over the last year....

*I use the term 'benefits' rather than 'privileges' when describing being perceived as a man. Privilege is power given that is never thought about except when it is challenged but even in those occasions it is still present; benefits are given on a case-by-case basis.  I am a trans*masculine female-assigned-at-birth person. Although I pass as a man in most spaces, there are still instances where I do not. In these cases, I am subject to overt sexism and transphobia, and the potential harassment and assault is always present. I am continuously conscious that these benefits are conditional and can be taken away in any given situation.

Other People's Advice, Round 2

I recently wrote about how I am often mistrustful of others' advice when it comes to identity-specific conflicts in my life, like being a Black FAAB person raised in the South. That's a very... unique experience, esp living so far from the South and its very distinct cultural way of being.

But

Yesterday I got really great advice from a newer friend about co-parenting, which has been at the forefront of my mind for the last... two weeks(?).  He is the first person I've encountered that is co-parenting a non-bio child with a close friend who he's not romantically involved with.  He ran me through his experience--how it was kind of a running joke, but when shit got real, he stepped in and now shares his child with the baby's mom and her past partners.  It was really cool to hear how they're all still figuring out what co-parenting means and are really flexible about making sure the folks who want to be involved with the baby are.  And also, the plans my friend is making with the mama about future children and what that would look like for their relationship.

Ugh, can I just--all the feels!! I love when folks are really intentional about kids and raising children and making sure everyone involved has their needs met. And I love that it's something new for everyone involved but they're communicating intentionally and deeply about how to do it so it feels right.

:le sigh:

It was a really inspiring conversation and has me thinking more deeply and critically about my motivations for co-parenting and who I want to co-parent with and what that could potentially look like/be structured like.


This friend also listened to my dilemma--of finding someone who I think I'd co-parent really well and how to propose such an idea to.  He's really good, and thoughtful and intentional, so I trust his advice. We also share a deep love for children and that's a connecting common denominator.

Anyhow, this friend advised me to bring it up casually, in a joke-like manner.

....

And there is the answer to the riddle.  

He also advised me to move to the Bay sooner than later (like in the next two months) and is even helping me out in the job hunt, and offered to be a faux reference. At first, I brushed off his suggestion, but twenty minutes later I'm fantasising about how this can all work out. And it seems to be... all working out.

....

Other people's advice. Sometimes it actually is the little nudge you need out of the door

Out of the Closet

I spent the last four days painting my closet. It was an ordeal, complete with bad headaches form paint fumes, near tantrums when I messed up the trim, and overzealous attention to detail.

But looking at it this morning, I was so pleased!! I'm not thrilled with the colours--cream with yellow trim--but it was already in the house. And it looks waaaay better than the ratty white walls that looked like a few 2yo had had tantrums in there.

.....

I also set up an alter, which I feel really good about. And I think that was the whole reason I started painting in the first place....

Whatever. I need to do more paint projects. It's a positive way to focus my control issues for good. :D

Pray

I've been going through a bit of a scrunch. I've been feeling really really ready to leave the PNW, but wanting to set things up so I enter a solid situation.  I initially gave myself a year to get my shit together, tie-up loose ends, and land squarely in the Bay.  I asked my ancestors to help me find a local job so that I can save up monies and prepare to leave. I forget exactly how I worded it, but there was a lot of emphasis on getting a job and getting to Oakland.

Fast forward to today.

I'm hanging out with my friend who's also a nanny, and we're browsing nanny agency ads, Craigslist, care.com shit looking for ads to model mine after.  I have plans to stay up in Tacoma for a bit to save rent money before I launch South tot he Bay.  And my friend is scrolling down page after page, jaw dropped at the golden opps that San Francisco offers, in terms of monetary compensation for sitting on some kids for a couple of hours.  And he says I shold just find a live-in nanny gig and jump to the Bay, fuck Tacoma.

I brush it of, but twenty minutes later we're brainstorming actual what-ifs about me dropping the little that is holding me here to move.  And some of these families are shelling out so much, that even as live-in, that within a few months, I would have more than enough to drop them and live on my own comfortably.

So I've been thinking, maybe this is my ancestors' answer. I mean, I'm gon trust that they have seen enough lifetimes to know what I need better than I do and that this is a sign. I mean, I am as unattached as I'm ever going to be--I'm kid free partner free and know folks in the Bay that could help me out if shit got real before I could make it back to Tacoma.  Also, my cuz in Tacoma said they'd be my safety net if shit got real, and real bad in the Bay.

So, the question now is,

when is my flight to SFO?

Vacuumed Thoughts

I do this thing, where I think really intensely about something for 3-4 days and then I come to a conclusion, and then I decide to act on it.  Except that it usually fails, and as I was washing dishes this evening, I came up with a reason as to why that might be.

I think in a vacuum.  I forget to let real-life variables weigh in, particularly when my intense thinking involves other parties.  And then I act as if these other parties are privvy to my complex mental process.

But not this time.

I'm going to take all of these intense thoughts I've been having and share them as candidly as possible with the other parties involved.  And also, not stake too much in the response.

Hopefully this will help buffer a potentially unfavourable response.

Hopefully...

Other People's Advice

I have a really hard time listening to other people's advice. I don't know if I'm just stubborn, if I just don't trust the opinions of others' when it comes to my individual circumstances, or if I don't give enough context tot he situation I'm talking about, or all of the above.

However it works, I've recently got some really... poor advice from a friend about a really difficult familial situation.  As I've been reflecting on it these past few days, I've come to realise it's a cultural difference.  There are just some things that I have endured that are tied up in the Black cultural experience.  And if the advice giver is not Black, there are just things that can't be... relayed in words. And specifically the Black FAAB experience, and how that socialisation and those stereotypes ripple out to influence my movement and interaction in the world....

I'll be keeping this in mind.

Baby Fever

crosspost with CMQ

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I have a lot of friends who talk about how they have 'baby fever' or want to have babies. I need to contextualise my baby fever.

When I talk about baby fever, it's less the the "Holy fuq, there's a human growing in my body!" or the "Holy fuq this person is crying and eating and pooping at the same time, in my lap!!" or the "Holy fuq this person is walking around and-- Gotdamn, I thought I moved that thing onto a high shelf!"

It's more the "You just made the sign for 'milk'--let me get some for you," and the "You memorized that whole story and read it back to me. You are so awesome!!" and the "You ask really great questions. Let's brainstorm some answers together," and the "Your sibling is crying because of a choice you made. Let's talk about alternatives so maybe next time no one gets hurt."

The raising kids to become thoughtful, compassionate, radical, revolutionary visionaries.

That's what baby fever means to me.