I really enjoy spoken word. I just don't seek it out as much.
Because those affirmations that the poets encourage folks to make-- the 'mmm!' or the 'yeah boi!' or the 'mhm gurl preach'. All that shit comes from the Black American community, and it's African American Vernacular--my language--that's being used for those affirmaitions. Increasingly by yt ppl who--I'll be blunt--have no business having those words pass their lips*. But also by poets of colour, which feels like a betrayal.
And my time on this planet tells me it should not be a surprised when credit is not given where it's due, when non-Black poc appropriate my language, when anti-Blackness comes from the folks who are supposed to be closest in solidarity with me to overturn white supremacy....
So while I really like spoken word, I just don't seek it out as much.
17 April 2014
07 April 2014
Anger
Recently, two of my roommates were talking about their need to express their anger and rage through their body and voice, and ways that they have learnt to do so in healthy ways. And I noticed that I was getting pretty uncomfortable. I recognised that the nature of those two roommates strips them of their power and society has socialised these two individuals to be passive and quiet and it's a direct refutation of the system to 1) express their anger and rage at all and 2) to do so in these really physical ways. I'm really glad they've found ways that are true to them to express themselves and also to yell a loud, glorious "Fuck you!!" to the patriarchy.
I'm certain my discomfort stemmed from the fact that 1) I have a lot of trauma around anger and angry people in my past and 2) I felt as if the way I express my anger--or rather don't--wasn't valid enough. Which is of course ridiculous. So I wanna take this space to unpack that insecurity and re-state my process around anger
Anger has a time and a place, but not in my interpersonal relationships. For me, anger is a red flag that I haven't been doing enough emotional processing and self-reflection. It's a signal to me that I need to re-center and take some time to intentionally be with myself.
Ever since starting T, I feel like a barrier between me and my emotions has been steadily eroding. Over a year later, I feel like I am still learning new ways to understand my emotions. I'e become quite good at recognising and naming an emotion or feeling I'm experiencing and tracing it back to its root.
It feels good to be in a place where I have the knowledge and willingness to be able to articulate how I feel. It also takes a lot of vulnerability, because rejection is a thing. But I'd rather get rejected for my Truth than have assumptions made about my behaviours and actions. And these assumptions are increasingly something I cannot afford.
I move through this world more often as a Black man. It doesn't even matter anymore that I don't identify as a Black man--it matters what I am perceived as by he people I encounter. And I'm not going to play into that role, that stereotype of angry Black man. I'm goaded everyday by people who want some sort of minstrel show o my anger and I refuse to give it to them. I'm trying to re-vision an alternative Black masculinity that's authentic to me. Part of that includes being able to express my emotions in a sustainable, healthy way. Being angry and losing my temper are not options.
I'm certain my discomfort stemmed from the fact that 1) I have a lot of trauma around anger and angry people in my past and 2) I felt as if the way I express my anger--or rather don't--wasn't valid enough. Which is of course ridiculous. So I wanna take this space to unpack that insecurity and re-state my process around anger
Anger has a time and a place, but not in my interpersonal relationships. For me, anger is a red flag that I haven't been doing enough emotional processing and self-reflection. It's a signal to me that I need to re-center and take some time to intentionally be with myself.
Ever since starting T, I feel like a barrier between me and my emotions has been steadily eroding. Over a year later, I feel like I am still learning new ways to understand my emotions. I'e become quite good at recognising and naming an emotion or feeling I'm experiencing and tracing it back to its root.
It feels good to be in a place where I have the knowledge and willingness to be able to articulate how I feel. It also takes a lot of vulnerability, because rejection is a thing. But I'd rather get rejected for my Truth than have assumptions made about my behaviours and actions. And these assumptions are increasingly something I cannot afford.
I move through this world more often as a Black man. It doesn't even matter anymore that I don't identify as a Black man--it matters what I am perceived as by he people I encounter. And I'm not going to play into that role, that stereotype of angry Black man. I'm goaded everyday by people who want some sort of minstrel show o my anger and I refuse to give it to them. I'm trying to re-vision an alternative Black masculinity that's authentic to me. Part of that includes being able to express my emotions in a sustainable, healthy way. Being angry and losing my temper are not options.
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