Happy and Content

I've been feeling happy for the past three weeks.

I'm not sure it it happened before, but I haven't had this emotion consistently in over six years.

Six years.

I've earned this joy. 

Straight Boys

If you know me, you know I love me a straight boy. There's something so alluring and enticing about crushing on a straight boy. I've been encountering alot of straight buys lately--thanks to my fancy receptionist job--who've been turning my head. Mostly because they're friendly and engage me in meaningless conversation. There's no pressure to impress, because there's not a hair's chance in hell of anything happening between us. There's no in-depth discussions, no figuring out if our politics/worldviews are compatible or align, no disclosing that I'm trans and the subsequent predictable man-crisis (yawn).

:deep sigh:

And that's nice. A relief really, to not have to be concerned with anything advancing past the 'imaginary' phase. It's no-stakes flirting, which means I can be as friendly and chatty as I like without giving two-fucks what this straight boy really thinks about me. Because I give z e r o fucks.

:adds 'Flirting with Straight Boys' to hobby list:

mind(RE)set

Nearly through my Saturn Return.I feel like I've earned e v e r y fucken stride I've made during this uphill battle. Bloody, bruised, and broken on more than one occasion. I feel fortunate, in a bittersweet way, that I learned early in life how to endure hurt and heal my own wounds.

I feel more grounded in myself and what I want and need. I forget if my astrologist told me that'd be a side-effect of the Drama of 2016. That seems besides the point at this stage of the journey though....

What I notice most is a shedding of old, stifling mindsets. Mindset that have and continue to prevent me from accessing my Potential, and potentially what I want. I had a tarot reading and the mindset card turned up. Although it was in a specific area of my life (Love), it feel like the Final Frontier. It feels like if I can reframe the way I view and approach Eros, I'll finally e able to level up.

I feel like this is what my therapist was talking about, bless her heart. She tries real heard. It only took two years and lots of false starts.

Part of this reset I've been growing through it letting go of the outcome. I feel like I'll be able to confidently accomplish that when i've done a little more work on my internailisation of the Scarcity Model.

And we all know how that goes....