What is the Universe telling me...
If after every interaction I have with This Guy
My babies visit me In Dreams?
06 December 2016
Early Morning memories
This morning I woke up in between dreams. Actually, I sleep with my eyes open, so it was my at-least-nightly journey tot he bathroom to lubricate my ojos.
When I got back to bed, my mind started wandering to This Dude. I told him last week I was going ot leave hima voice message, in exchange for him deleting a rather self-incriminating one I left on his phone in the heat of the moment.
I was thinking about a story I could tell him via vm. As I thought about what would be something worth sharing--know that I have always have a story or two on my toungue--I thought that a tale of a younger, less jaundiced Me would be a way to build the intimacy we're both working towards.
My mind continued to wander, and ended up on a dirt road of my late childhood, standing at the end of a driveway, facing an undeveloped lot. And by 'lot' I mean a cut of land covered by palmettos and a few scatttered Loblolly pine trees. I remember exploring the palmettos without fear or constraint, lost in my imagination. Alone, but not lonely.
I remember riding my bike along that dirt road and various others before they were paved. The euphoria of independence and autonomy. The joy of owndershipi over my body and my path....
These early morning memories stirred something inside me.
I miss my home--the Spanish moss draped over the branches of live oaks, gently drifting in the breeze; the smell of a thunderstorm; the cicadas singing the Sun down....
Maybe these are memories to share, and maybe I'll be able new ones with This Dude.
When I got back to bed, my mind started wandering to This Dude. I told him last week I was going ot leave hima voice message, in exchange for him deleting a rather self-incriminating one I left on his phone in the heat of the moment.
I was thinking about a story I could tell him via vm. As I thought about what would be something worth sharing--know that I have always have a story or two on my toungue--I thought that a tale of a younger, less jaundiced Me would be a way to build the intimacy we're both working towards.
My mind continued to wander, and ended up on a dirt road of my late childhood, standing at the end of a driveway, facing an undeveloped lot. And by 'lot' I mean a cut of land covered by palmettos and a few scatttered Loblolly pine trees. I remember exploring the palmettos without fear or constraint, lost in my imagination. Alone, but not lonely.
I remember riding my bike along that dirt road and various others before they were paved. The euphoria of independence and autonomy. The joy of owndershipi over my body and my path....
These early morning memories stirred something inside me.
I miss my home--the Spanish moss draped over the branches of live oaks, gently drifting in the breeze; the smell of a thunderstorm; the cicadas singing the Sun down....
Maybe these are memories to share, and maybe I'll be able new ones with This Dude.
09 November 2016
Trans Folks--Let's Get Our Shit In Formation
I woke up this morning as a loser. It was just a matter of how much I lost. While neither of the candidates has my best interest--as a Black US citizen who is a queer, poor, disabled, genderfluid survivor--in mind as they slugged it out to see who would hold the biggest stick for the next four years, I didn't expect to have lost so much.
But I did.
And now I'm ready to mobilize with my folks. Right now, I wanna specifically mobilize my trans folks--of colour--around our papers. I've been thinking of this topic for a long while, and was inspired by Jessica's article.
As a trans person who's decided to interact with The System as part of my transition (and I use the term transition very broadly), there are a few things that other trans folks need to prioritize, if able, because we've got two months.
I also keep in mind that even with all of my targeted identities, I am extremely privileged to have lived in a place that recognizes my gender autonomy and am still humbled to have found so much support in my community to actualize what I needed to survive. This is tragically not the case for the majority trans folks.
If you are a trans/gender-variant person who has the time and energy, please get your paper work in formation. The bureaucracy is hell now, and it will be much, much worse once The Dark Lord ascends 20 Jan 2017.
1) Get your name legally changed.
The specific department and cost will vary by county--doing a general web search of "legal name change [your county] [your state]" should get you the info you need. Some quick links for Washington State's King, Pierce, and Thurston counties. I did my change in Thurston County, WA in 2012, and the process was shamefully simple. I filed the paperwork, paid the fee, and got assigned a court date. The day of I wore a nice shirt (still have the shirt!), sat shakily in the room with a few others who were there for the same purpose. I had fears the judge would call me up by my deadname (some folks call it their birth name), but he didn't. He said some words in legalese, I said yes, I got a paper officiating the change, and almost sobbed with relief. The court aide told me I'd get a notarised form in the mail within a few weeks. Then I headed straight to the DMV.
Pro-tip: Once you have your shiny official name change paperwork, get NOTARIZED copies. Like 5 of them. You're going to encounter a situation where you forgot to update your name and this will save loads of stress. There were a couple of months where I carried one around with me because... that was just my life at the time. But also, squirrel them in safe locations--in your home, your friend's home, your cousin's home and preferably out of your city/state. This is actually a rule of thumb for any very important documents. I took a Records Management course, so I'm like an official on how to store records.
2) Update your state ID or driver's license.
It was relatively easy update, though I honestly don't remember the actual process. I was emotionally fatigued after doing the sitting-in-court thing. I do remember that the lady was fairly disinterested in me, until I tried to do my new signature. She chuckled as I did a shit job, but I'm poor at cursive anyway. I was issued a temp ID after a short wait, and then got the real deal in the mail a few weeks later. Easy-peasy.
3) Update your gender marker.
I decided not to do this, for personal reasons. But if it's true to you, DO IT. DO IT NOW. I'd touch base with a DOL customer service rep to see if it's an easier process to change your name before, at the same time, or after you've updated your name.
4) Update your Social Security Card.
It was disgustingly easy to update my name with the federal gov't. Mercifully. I did this the same day I got my court-order and temp ID. I'm all about getting the stress out of the way in as soon as possible. You can find the form here. As I mentioned before, I lived in a small town at the time, and the employee asked me a few questions about info on my birth certificate (where I was born the person I was born to) and that was that.
Pro tip: This was the most stress-free System I've navigated. People change their name on their Soc card all the time, you should be of no interest to anyone in the office.
I decided the best option for me was to change my legal name before I entered into any type of medical transition. I'd heard of folks who had a shit time accessing the Medical Industrial Complex with their deadname. And I felt that waiting the three months to get everything updated was worth the convenience.
But I was not idle as I waited for my T-Day.!
In the meantime, I had classes to attend (I was a student) and a life to live in addition to mading sure I updated my name with my university; student loans lenders (don't try to escape. they will find you); landlord; employer (though this will show up with the Dept of Homeland Security, as will any changes to your gender marker will too); voter's reg; local library (!!!), and my credit union. I will honestly say the most difficult part of this name update was and has been with the credit bureaus. :cue in echo-y voice and crashes of thunder:
If you care about your credit score, I can share a story (or three) of how to navigate this nightmare. If you give no fucks, skip the drama. You're trans, which means your life is hard enough already.
Alright, onto the medical stuff.
5) Get your Hormone Replacement Therapy letter.
If you decide HRT is for you, your first step is finding a person who will confirm you are a consenting adult who understands the risks and consequences of HRT blahblahblah.
I was so fucking fortunate to live in a place and personally know someone who wrote me a letter without my having to subject myself to the typical 3-month holding period before I was trans 'enough' or some shit. My provider literally sat me down and read the statement of consent. They signed, I signed, I sighed. Maybe I cried. I called a clinic in Seattle and made an appt to see a doc to give me the prescription.
My experience is the exception, not the rule. I know plenty of trans/gender variant folks who opt-out of the transphobic, gate-keeping known as the Medical Industrial Complex. The Informed Consent model is becoming more common, and the barriers are the lowest they've ever been for accessing your letter. There are resources to find providers in your area--I encourage you to check them out, particularly if you live in or close to urban centers. I'll also update to give links as I tap into my own community!
6) Making/attending the HRT appt
Again, I had deliriously easy access to a low-income clinic in Seattle where any of their physicians were able to write my prescription for testosterone: NeighborCare Health. I late established care with Carolyn Downs Family Medical Center, and Country Doctor Clinic is also an option. Those are the larger low-income clinics I know of that provide low-/no-barrier access to HRT.
Currently, AppleHealth (Medicaid) offers no-cost prescriptions for low-income folks seeking HRT. It's magical, guise!! Like riding on a baby unicorn into the sunset while eating a low-sugar strawberry cupcake with vanilla whipped frosting.... Unfortunately, since testosterone and estrogen are ''highly-controlled substances" only a 1mL supply is dished out at a time. And the pharmacies track that shit closely based on the dose on your script. I couldn't even get a refill unless I had one dose left. :coughgatekeeperscough:
An alternative is Strohecker's, a mail-order pharmacy based in Portland, OR. A big perk about Strohecker's back when I used them in from early 2013 through early 2015, is that 1) my prescription was valid for 6mo and 2) I got a 10mL vial, which is like liquid gold, but better because it's gender-affirming! And they the syringes and alcohol wipes included in the price, all in a non-decroipt USPS box :sobs glitter-bubble tears:
The only downside I experienced with Strohecker's during my 2 year stint is the fiasco in late 2014. The vial of T I got was actually contaminated with estrogen which... was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life. I won't go into the details here, but I haven't heard about any accountability to that massive fuck up. I believe it's important to mention that incident it's incredibly important to be informed.
6a) Doing your HRT shots
A medical provider should show you how to do this.... YouTube is also a great resource, since there are literally hundreds of videos of people stabbing themselves in the leg or arm or ass or abdomen with needles. I honestly didn't wait for the appt (jfc my younger self!!), and I have no regrets. I have a historic streak of cavalier disregard when it comes to medical authority, so. Maybe I'll finally write that post about doing a proper T-shot. There is a right and wrong way and I've definitely limped for a week when I've done it wrong. Multiple times. -_-
Ok friends, I've saved the 'best' for last!
7) THE PASSPORT
The little blue book of the privileged few....
This was actually a very straightforward process with the Us gov't. It still took me over three years to get it done because (SURPRISE): funds! I paid almost as much to update the damn thing as I did to get my first one. :eyeroll:
But just fill out the form, get the photos, and mail it in with a copy of your current ID.
Pro-tip: I dressed for my photo as closely as I would if I were going through a TSA line, i.e. like a guy. If you need to dress/drag a little closer to your gender marker, fucking DO IT. It may save your life. #realtalk
And it's been worth it. I recognise the privilege I hold to be able to skip a border if needed. It was hard won, and The Dark Lord won't pry it from my hands unless I'm cold and dead.
And that, friends, was my process! I recognise I had the benefit of spreading it out over a few years and we only have two months.... Prioritize what feels right to you. A name change may be paramount for you, while if you've already done that (and have the funds on hand) a shiny, new passport might be priority.
Gosh, it feels good to get all that out. Like an information poop. And since I'm a SlytherPuff, and I take care of my own, there's more!!
I can offer support in these ways:
- I can print and mail your documents. I work in an office with lots of office supplies and am the only mail rater. #shhhh
- I can go with you to your court appointment. I was lucky enough to have a buddy with me during mine, and I'd love to return the favour to another trans person.
- I can let you borrow my boy clothes and/or girl clothes and/or go shopping with you for the right outfit! Navigating bureaucracy is tough, and that cute top can make it a little more tolerable.
- I can go with you to your Dr appointment(s). And then I will buy you treats afterwards because doctors are really hard things to deal with as trans folks, especially if you are Black or of colour.
If cost is a barrier, rest assured! We will crowdfund the fuck out of our communities to fund the costs! I know folks who will give their dollars to support you. Let's make this happen!!
Dark days are upon us
AND
we still have today, and we still have each other. And the Knowles sisters. #BlessSolange and #BlessBeyonce.
Stay tender, loves!
xx rEn
But I did.
And now I'm ready to mobilize with my folks. Right now, I wanna specifically mobilize my trans folks--of colour--around our papers. I've been thinking of this topic for a long while, and was inspired by Jessica's article.
As a trans person who's decided to interact with The System as part of my transition (and I use the term transition very broadly), there are a few things that other trans folks need to prioritize, if able, because we've got two months.
I also keep in mind that even with all of my targeted identities, I am extremely privileged to have lived in a place that recognizes my gender autonomy and am still humbled to have found so much support in my community to actualize what I needed to survive. This is tragically not the case for the majority trans folks.
If you are a trans/gender-variant person who has the time and energy, please get your paper work in formation. The bureaucracy is hell now, and it will be much, much worse once The Dark Lord ascends 20 Jan 2017.
1) Get your name legally changed.
The specific department and cost will vary by county--doing a general web search of "legal name change [your county] [your state]" should get you the info you need. Some quick links for Washington State's King, Pierce, and Thurston counties. I did my change in Thurston County, WA in 2012, and the process was shamefully simple. I filed the paperwork, paid the fee, and got assigned a court date. The day of I wore a nice shirt (still have the shirt!), sat shakily in the room with a few others who were there for the same purpose. I had fears the judge would call me up by my deadname (some folks call it their birth name), but he didn't. He said some words in legalese, I said yes, I got a paper officiating the change, and almost sobbed with relief. The court aide told me I'd get a notarised form in the mail within a few weeks. Then I headed straight to the DMV.
Pro-tip: Once you have your shiny official name change paperwork, get NOTARIZED copies. Like 5 of them. You're going to encounter a situation where you forgot to update your name and this will save loads of stress. There were a couple of months where I carried one around with me because... that was just my life at the time. But also, squirrel them in safe locations--in your home, your friend's home, your cousin's home and preferably out of your city/state. This is actually a rule of thumb for any very important documents. I took a Records Management course, so I'm like an official on how to store records.
2) Update your state ID or driver's license.
It was relatively easy update, though I honestly don't remember the actual process. I was emotionally fatigued after doing the sitting-in-court thing. I do remember that the lady was fairly disinterested in me, until I tried to do my new signature. She chuckled as I did a shit job, but I'm poor at cursive anyway. I was issued a temp ID after a short wait, and then got the real deal in the mail a few weeks later. Easy-peasy.
3) Update your gender marker.
I decided not to do this, for personal reasons. But if it's true to you, DO IT. DO IT NOW. I'd touch base with a DOL customer service rep to see if it's an easier process to change your name before, at the same time, or after you've updated your name.
4) Update your Social Security Card.
It was disgustingly easy to update my name with the federal gov't. Mercifully. I did this the same day I got my court-order and temp ID. I'm all about getting the stress out of the way in as soon as possible. You can find the form here. As I mentioned before, I lived in a small town at the time, and the employee asked me a few questions about info on my birth certificate (where I was born the person I was born to) and that was that.
Pro tip: This was the most stress-free System I've navigated. People change their name on their Soc card all the time, you should be of no interest to anyone in the office.
I decided the best option for me was to change my legal name before I entered into any type of medical transition. I'd heard of folks who had a shit time accessing the Medical Industrial Complex with their deadname. And I felt that waiting the three months to get everything updated was worth the convenience.
But I was not idle as I waited for my T-Day.!
In the meantime, I had classes to attend (I was a student) and a life to live in addition to mading sure I updated my name with my university; student loans lenders (don't try to escape. they will find you); landlord; employer (though this will show up with the Dept of Homeland Security, as will any changes to your gender marker will too); voter's reg; local library (!!!), and my credit union. I will honestly say the most difficult part of this name update was and has been with the credit bureaus. :cue in echo-y voice and crashes of thunder:
If you care about your credit score, I can share a story (or three) of how to navigate this nightmare. If you give no fucks, skip the drama. You're trans, which means your life is hard enough already.
Alright, onto the medical stuff.
5) Get your Hormone Replacement Therapy letter.
If you decide HRT is for you, your first step is finding a person who will confirm you are a consenting adult who understands the risks and consequences of HRT blahblahblah.
I was so fucking fortunate to live in a place and personally know someone who wrote me a letter without my having to subject myself to the typical 3-month holding period before I was trans 'enough' or some shit. My provider literally sat me down and read the statement of consent. They signed, I signed, I sighed. Maybe I cried. I called a clinic in Seattle and made an appt to see a doc to give me the prescription.
My experience is the exception, not the rule. I know plenty of trans/gender variant folks who opt-out of the transphobic, gate-keeping known as the Medical Industrial Complex. The Informed Consent model is becoming more common, and the barriers are the lowest they've ever been for accessing your letter. There are resources to find providers in your area--I encourage you to check them out, particularly if you live in or close to urban centers. I'll also update to give links as I tap into my own community!
6) Making/attending the HRT appt
Again, I had deliriously easy access to a low-income clinic in Seattle where any of their physicians were able to write my prescription for testosterone: NeighborCare Health. I late established care with Carolyn Downs Family Medical Center, and Country Doctor Clinic is also an option. Those are the larger low-income clinics I know of that provide low-/no-barrier access to HRT.
Currently, AppleHealth (Medicaid) offers no-cost prescriptions for low-income folks seeking HRT. It's magical, guise!! Like riding on a baby unicorn into the sunset while eating a low-sugar strawberry cupcake with vanilla whipped frosting.... Unfortunately, since testosterone and estrogen are ''highly-controlled substances" only a 1mL supply is dished out at a time. And the pharmacies track that shit closely based on the dose on your script. I couldn't even get a refill unless I had one dose left. :coughgatekeeperscough:
An alternative is Strohecker's, a mail-order pharmacy based in Portland, OR. A big perk about Strohecker's back when I used them in from early 2013 through early 2015, is that 1) my prescription was valid for 6mo and 2) I got a 10mL vial, which is like liquid gold, but better because it's gender-affirming! And they the syringes and alcohol wipes included in the price, all in a non-decroipt USPS box :sobs glitter-bubble tears:
The only downside I experienced with Strohecker's during my 2 year stint is the fiasco in late 2014. The vial of T I got was actually contaminated with estrogen which... was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life. I won't go into the details here, but I haven't heard about any accountability to that massive fuck up. I believe it's important to mention that incident it's incredibly important to be informed.
6a) Doing your HRT shots
A medical provider should show you how to do this.... YouTube is also a great resource, since there are literally hundreds of videos of people stabbing themselves in the leg or arm or ass or abdomen with needles. I honestly didn't wait for the appt (jfc my younger self!!), and I have no regrets. I have a historic streak of cavalier disregard when it comes to medical authority, so. Maybe I'll finally write that post about doing a proper T-shot. There is a right and wrong way and I've definitely limped for a week when I've done it wrong. Multiple times. -_-
Ok friends, I've saved the 'best' for last!
7) THE PASSPORT
The little blue book of the privileged few....
This was actually a very straightforward process with the Us gov't. It still took me over three years to get it done because (SURPRISE): funds! I paid almost as much to update the damn thing as I did to get my first one. :eyeroll:
But just fill out the form, get the photos, and mail it in with a copy of your current ID.
Pro-tip: I dressed for my photo as closely as I would if I were going through a TSA line, i.e. like a guy. If you need to dress/drag a little closer to your gender marker, fucking DO IT. It may save your life. #realtalk
And it's been worth it. I recognise the privilege I hold to be able to skip a border if needed. It was hard won, and The Dark Lord won't pry it from my hands unless I'm cold and dead.
And that, friends, was my process! I recognise I had the benefit of spreading it out over a few years and we only have two months.... Prioritize what feels right to you. A name change may be paramount for you, while if you've already done that (and have the funds on hand) a shiny, new passport might be priority.
Gosh, it feels good to get all that out. Like an information poop. And since I'm a SlytherPuff, and I take care of my own, there's more!!
I can offer support in these ways:
- I can print and mail your documents. I work in an office with lots of office supplies and am the only mail rater. #shhhh
- I can go with you to your court appointment. I was lucky enough to have a buddy with me during mine, and I'd love to return the favour to another trans person.
- I can let you borrow my boy clothes and/or girl clothes and/or go shopping with you for the right outfit! Navigating bureaucracy is tough, and that cute top can make it a little more tolerable.
- I can go with you to your Dr appointment(s). And then I will buy you treats afterwards because doctors are really hard things to deal with as trans folks, especially if you are Black or of colour.
If cost is a barrier, rest assured! We will crowdfund the fuck out of our communities to fund the costs! I know folks who will give their dollars to support you. Let's make this happen!!
Dark days are upon us
AND
we still have today, and we still have each other. And the Knowles sisters. #BlessSolange and #BlessBeyonce.
Stay tender, loves!
xx rEn
21 October 2016
I'm Black... You Know That, Right?
I am Black.
Sometimes, I think people forget/ignore this.
But like how???
Sometimes, I think people forget/ignore this.
But like how???
25 September 2016
Happy and Content
I've been feeling happy for the past three weeks.
I'm not sure it it happened before, but I haven't had this emotion consistently in over six years.
Six years.
I've earned this joy.
I'm not sure it it happened before, but I haven't had this emotion consistently in over six years.
Six years.
I've earned this joy.
16 September 2016
Straight Boys
If you know me, you know I love me a straight boy. There's something so alluring and enticing about crushing on a straight boy. I've been encountering alot of straight buys lately--thanks to my fancy receptionist job--who've been turning my head. Mostly because they're friendly and engage me in meaningless conversation. There's no pressure to impress, because there's not a hair's chance in hell of anything happening between us. There's no in-depth discussions, no figuring out if our politics/worldviews are compatible or align, no disclosing that I'm trans and the subsequent predictable man-crisis (yawn).
:deep sigh:
And that's nice. A relief really, to not have to be concerned with anything advancing past the 'imaginary' phase. It's no-stakes flirting, which means I can be as friendly and chatty as I like without giving two-fucks what this straight boy really thinks about me. Because I give z e r o fucks.
:adds 'Flirting with Straight Boys' to hobby list:
:deep sigh:
And that's nice. A relief really, to not have to be concerned with anything advancing past the 'imaginary' phase. It's no-stakes flirting, which means I can be as friendly and chatty as I like without giving two-fucks what this straight boy really thinks about me. Because I give z e r o fucks.
:adds 'Flirting with Straight Boys' to hobby list:
08 September 2016
mind(RE)set
Nearly through my Saturn Return.I feel like I've earned e v e r y fucken stride I've made during this uphill battle. Bloody, bruised, and broken on more than one occasion. I feel fortunate, in a bittersweet way, that I learned early in life how to endure hurt and heal my own wounds.
I feel more grounded in myself and what I want and need. I forget if my astrologist told me that'd be a side-effect of the Drama of 2016. That seems besides the point at this stage of the journey though....
What I notice most is a shedding of old, stifling mindsets. Mindset that have and continue to prevent me from accessing my Potential, and potentially what I want. I had a tarot reading and the mindset card turned up. Although it was in a specific area of my life (Love), it feel like the Final Frontier. It feels like if I can reframe the way I view and approach Eros, I'll finally e able to level up.
I feel like this is what my therapist was talking about, bless her heart. She tries real heard. It only took two years and lots of false starts.
Part of this reset I've been growing through it letting go of the outcome. I feel like I'll be able to confidently accomplish that when i've done a little more work on my internailisation of the Scarcity Model.
And we all know how that goes....
I feel more grounded in myself and what I want and need. I forget if my astrologist told me that'd be a side-effect of the Drama of 2016. That seems besides the point at this stage of the journey though....
What I notice most is a shedding of old, stifling mindsets. Mindset that have and continue to prevent me from accessing my Potential, and potentially what I want. I had a tarot reading and the mindset card turned up. Although it was in a specific area of my life (Love), it feel like the Final Frontier. It feels like if I can reframe the way I view and approach Eros, I'll finally e able to level up.
I feel like this is what my therapist was talking about, bless her heart. She tries real heard. It only took two years and lots of false starts.
Part of this reset I've been growing through it letting go of the outcome. I feel like I'll be able to confidently accomplish that when i've done a little more work on my internailisation of the Scarcity Model.
And we all know how that goes....
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