Chronic Pain

I've had back pain for the last three months. During this time, I've definitely come to realise how much pain drains an individual.  It takes my energy, zaps my endurance, distracts me and leaves me physically exhausted.  

And this is only from three months!  I can't imagine have to endure this my entire life. My compassion for folks has skyrocketed.

Non-Threatening

On days like today, I'll be getting dressed, and I'll look down at the clothes I'm putting on and remember that society has attached a gender to these pieces of fabric, male

And then I'll think to myself 'Black male,' and I'll think 'non-threatening' because it seems like so many of the white folks I interact with get all stirred up about how I look like a Black male.

And I get really pissed off at my socialisation that makes me think 'non-threatening' because I have to--in order to keep my job, to get service in stores--I have to smile and use White American vernacular english and move my body in certain ways that make white people look at me and think 'non-threatening'.

And it just makes me so fucken tired, and want to crawl back into bed and pretend that my blankets provide me shelter from the societal shitstorm I live everyday as a Black trans* person.

But instead I'll make this post and make myself a turkey sandwich and try to forget about these words I've just typed.

Connexion

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks about this... connexion I share with that One Particular Person.  It's one of those raw bonds that just Was, and over time I've been able to develop and control it. And now it's... kind of got a mind of it's own. Six months ago, it was probably one of the best things in my life, AND six months later... I'm rethinking what it represents, how it influences my life, and what it all means.

And I'm wondering how much I need this connexion anymore, and how much control I have in whether it remains....

Acrostics: Monday 1 Oct 2012

Did you see that gluten-induced temper tantrum in the Bigelow Park this evening? Here's what it said:

A is for annoyed
U is for undisciplined
R is for restless
I is for incorrigible
E is for exaggerated
N is for noisy

No gluten. Firmly putting my foot down, or else my roommates might stage an intervention....  -____-

Roots

I was talking with a friend the other night and the topic of roots came up.  This person has one of those surnames that's difficult to pronounce and dripping with culture, and they told me they're hesitant to/have mixed feelings about it.  Something about not feeling connected to their roots and not feeling ownership over their surname.  I let them talk it out, and I did not and do not agree. I also spoke with another white person who had similar beliefs--they could trace their surname to a country and/r culture, but wasn't actually taking ownership.

I dunno, maybe it's me, but if I could trace back my actual ancestors' surnames and find out what area they were taken from, I'd be all up in those genealogy records.  But, of course, this is all hypothetical, cause you know, transatlantic slavery and all that.

And you know, when white folks who can trace back their ancestry don't because 'it doesn't feel like theirs,' but are so quick to snatch up the cultures of people of colour and wear them like they own it.... No pity and very little compassion.

For the record, I'm not saying my friend is a cultural appropriator. I know the trolls already lining up to spew some acidic shit....