Craving... Intimacy

I finally managed to 'dig deep' enough to solve this months' long riddle. It took several breakdowns; late-nights of Faith-seeking; wrong turns; and friends calling me gently and insistently in to finally get here. It has not been a fun journey, though I know it was a very necessary one.

What finally managed to sink in on the long walk home from Capitol Hill last night was that I have been desperately searching for it intimacy.

Which I mean, duh, I live for intimacy. Having enough of an emotional connexion with someone else to be able to talk about real shit and to trust the advice that is given; and to be able to pick up where you left off even if it's been months since the last time you spoke; and to be able to hug someone fro from behind and say 'I love you' and have it seen as uncomplicated  affection... I FUCKEN LOVE THAT SHIT!!!

 Funnily enough though, I was in this mindset that it was a particular type of intimacy--romantic intimacy--that would soothe the itch, as it were.

But that's like, no, I have intimacy all over the place, though it has been lacking as of late.  I have been spending so much time trying to develop emotional intimacy that I've been letting those relationships that help sustain me--family, chosen family, and close friends--drift away a little over the past few months.

Haha, but no more!! I'm taking a lengthy break from romance and re-routing all of that emotionally volatile energy back to the original source.I think those folks will appreciate it.

Silenced

I've been thinking the past coupla weeks about silence and the ways I am silenced--by myself and by others.

I feel like I've been pressing my face against this glass, trying to see or even ienvision what's beyond. But it's so foggy outside, the only thing I can see is my obscured reflection as the dew drips down the glass....

Quake

Sometimes it feels like the Foundation is crumbling, tremors toppling buildings and structures that have stood so long I never thought they could exist in any other way.

It's scary, when Pillars begin to quake and sway--it calls into question things I've taken for granted as Everlasting. And reminds me that nothing is certain and even things that are constant in my lifetime and the lifetimes before mine, once were not so. It can be hard to see this when the counter-narrative has been silenced and/or forgotten.

Now it seems that more are stirring. There's enough motion to rouse even the most stubborn from their slumber.

The World is changing... and I am busy falling in Love.

Distracted

I'm having such a hard time clicking the 'Publish" button on the multitude of drafts I have  queued. Nothing seems up to snuff to release out into the world.

I think I'm out of practise. I think I'm lacking confidence. I think my Heart's not in blogging at the moment.

:woes:

What I'm Worth

For the past few weeks, my horoscope has been... encouraging me to think more critically about being compensated adequately for my time. Which is actually really interesting, because I've been searching for nanny work the past few months and have been feeling uncertain with my rates. Yeah, I've got ten years of experience and have jumped through the hoops of background check and have CPR/First Aid blahblahblah. Still, being Black and being trans and moving through the world as male leaves me on a slippery slope. Struggles :/

But then I worked as a summer camp counselor from June through August, and went through some pretty challenging situations. I had the chance to develop my leadership skills. I had a chance to see myself in action and realise that I am waaaaaay more capable in stressful situations than I give myself credit for. It helped alot to have a boss and super supportive families that pointed this out to me.

And now--while it's still challenging--I'm much more confident to ask to get paid what i'm worth.

PS. Fuck capitalism, but I have bills to pay/gotta eat. Plus then I can buy cool comics for my nephew and pro-Black girl books for my little cousin.

Sorted

I'm fairly certain, that if I had found my way to Hogwarts as an 11-year old, I would have been Sorted into Hufflepuff.

I think if I had been given the opportunity to have a community that centered around kindness and inclusivity, I would have seized the chance like a drowning person to a flotation devise.

Shamelessly so.

Spoken Word

I really enjoy spoken word. I just don't seek it out as much.

Because those affirmations that the poets encourage folks to make-- the 'mmm!' or the 'yeah boi!' or the 'mhm gurl preach'.  All that shit comes from the Black American community, and it's African American Vernacular--my language--that's being used for those affirmaitions. Increasingly by yt ppl who--I'll be blunt--have no business having those words pass their lips*. But also by poets of colour, which feels like a betrayal.

And my time on this planet tells me it should not be a surprised when credit is not given where it's due, when non-Black poc appropriate my language, when anti-Blackness comes from the folks who are supposed to be closest in solidarity with me to overturn white supremacy....

So while I really like spoken word, I just don't seek it out as much.

Anger

Recently, two of my roommates were talking about their need to express their anger and rage through their body and voice, and ways that they have learnt to do so in healthy ways.  And I noticed that I was getting pretty uncomfortable.  I recognised that the nature of those two roommates strips them of their power and society has socialised these two individuals to be passive and quiet and it's a direct refutation of the system to 1) express their anger and rage at all and 2) to do so in these really physical ways.  I'm really glad they've found ways that are true to them to express themselves and also to yell a loud, glorious "Fuck you!!" to the patriarchy.

I'm certain my discomfort stemmed from the fact that 1) I have a lot of trauma around anger and angry people in my past and 2) I felt as if the way I express my anger--or rather don't--wasn't valid enough. Which is of course ridiculous. So I wanna take this space to unpack that insecurity and re-state my process around anger

Anger has a time and a place, but not in my interpersonal relationships. For me, anger is a red flag that I haven't been doing enough emotional processing and self-reflection.  It's a signal to me that I need to re-center and take some time to intentionally be with myself.

Ever since starting T, I feel like a barrier between me and my emotions has been steadily eroding. Over a year later, I feel like I am still learning new ways to understand my emotions.  I'e become quite good at recognising and naming an emotion or feeling I'm experiencing and tracing it back to its root.

It feels good to be in a place where I have the knowledge and willingness to be able to articulate how I feel.  It also takes a lot of vulnerability, because rejection is a thing. But I'd rather get rejected for my Truth than have assumptions made about my behaviours and actions.  And these assumptions are increasingly something I cannot afford.

I move through this world more often as a Black man. It doesn't even matter anymore that I don't identify as a Black man--it matters what I am perceived as by he people I encounter. And I'm not going to play into that role, that stereotype of angry Black man.  I'm goaded everyday by people who want some sort of minstrel show o my anger and I refuse to give it to them. I'm trying to re-vision an alternative Black masculinity that's authentic to me. Part of that includes being able to express my emotions in a sustainable, healthy way. Being angry and losing my temper are not options.

I Have Not Abandoned This blog

Mercury is exiting a retrograde. Please allow me to re-acquaint myself with modes of communication.

Nighttime Love Language

I've started having sleepovers with one of my roommates. We often end up chatting late into the night and it's just easier to lay down in one or the other's bed rather than trekking to our respective rooms. We both also sleep more soundly when we share beds with other people.

This morning, as I dragged my body out of bed and down the stairs to my room at the heathen hour of 7am, I began to reflect on what it means to share a bed with someone. I mean, when we are asleep, that is one of the most vulnerable states we are in. All a person's defences are down and they are completely open. What does it mean to share this vulnerability with someone? What does it mean when they share it with you?

It's so deeply intimate and I'm beginning to think this is why I hated sharing a bed with anyone as a child, and why I'm so wary of sharing a bed with someone as an adult.

But sharing a bed with my roommate feels completely comfortable.  Is it because we're both INFPs? Is it because we've already shared so many intimate, vulnerable conversations? Is it because we both try really hard to communicate clearly and openly with each other? Is it because we both give and receive love through physical touch?

Hmm, I think I need to gather more data in the form of sleepovers. I'll report back soon.

Inside Joke

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on interactions that I am a part of, where there are a group of people who have shared similar experiences and they are discussing them and don't provide context for those of us who weren't there and essentially have no idea what's going on.  

I've been thinking about how this can be/is really exclusionary and how it's something I experienced a lot when I first moved to Oly, when nearly everyone I knew were friends with other people and how they would often talk about things I had no context for. Most times I  felt unwelcome and unwanted, and other shitty feelings. 

I've also been thinking a lot about how I inadvertently--or otherwise--close people out of conversations by not giving a little background knowledge. I try to be super conscious when there are new folks in a group of people I'm familiar with. I often just avoid talking about things that need a lot of contextualising because I can talk about those things later.  And there are new people I should be making an effort to get to know.  Or this is what my home training tells me. 

I also think about people I know who are really great at enfolding new people into their friend groups and making them feel really welcome. I try to model my inclusionary behaviours off of them. It's an art, and definitely one I need to practise more.  Some folks I know could do with a few lessons as well....

I Love a Mom

I'm making a pie!! It is a very special occasion.  I'm going to a Superbowl party tomorrow--yeah yeah 'Go Hawks!' or whatever. But really, the important part is who will be there.  A mom I've had a mom-crush on since Turkey Day weekend.

She's kind and engaging and so East Coast. Plus, she totally opened some doors for me when I was panicking about grad school. I need to express my gratitude, thus pie.

I love moms and moms love me. I'm nice and respectful, I ask questions, do my own dishes, and see them as people, not just "my friend's mom".  Plus, the have the best dirt on friends and TONS of hilariously embarrassing stories.

I'm here for it.

Like, "Let me put the kettle on for you Ms. So-n-so. You should go get the photo album(s), because I'm totally interested in hearing stories about how my friend used to 'insert cute, but hilariously embarrassing behaviour here'. No, really, tell me everything."

And they make bomb food and have really great, insightful advice.

I'm definitely here for it.

Communication in Friendship

I feel like I am getting to a place that I am so comfortable communicating with people I care about that I can say things like,

"Don't be shitty. I am not friends with shitty people and blowing me off/not showing up/being a flake is a shitty behaviour. If you are shitty, I can't be friends with you. I say this from a place of love and concern."

This feels good. Communication is good.

Shitty people, however, are not.

So Much to Say

I've been having a really hard time these last few days articulating myself. It's a weird feeling, not being able to find the words to express my feels, so I don't write. And then I end up feeling worse because I haven't expressed myself, because I can't find the words.

Ugh. this is why I hate the shape of a circle.

Cosmic Shit

It never rains, but it pours. And What a week it's been.

- Still job hunting. This post-undergrad thing is getting srsly real.

- I overexerted myself at the gym on Monday and now my body is sliding down that slippery slope of chronic pain. I'm gritting my teeth and made an appt with my Oly chiropractor. I'm paying for the appt with money i fully expect will materialise from Nowhere.

- I'm going to have two very serious discussions with friends about our current relationships this weekend.

- Got news from my mom that is making everything pale in comparision. Or else blowup out of any type of proportion I can pretend to handle right now.

Communication Snob

A good friend pointed out that most of the stories I share with them are ones about communication--mishaps, over-communication, lack of communication--and this is something I've been pondering for the last week.

Communication is like my number one value right now, it's something I'm putting a lot pf work into to become better at, and at  building a healthier relationship with.

I've had a growing concern that I am, or have the high likelihood of becoming, a communication snob. And by that I mean, do I prioritise and rank certain types of communication over others? Specifically, verbal ways of communication.

I'm an INFJ/P, and I have a lot of feelings and I like to spend a lot of time thinking and processing these feelings, and then I want to share them with almost anyone who'll listen.

But not everyone operates that way.

I think that has been brought to my attention even more because I now live with a lot people who are also super emotionally-tuned and we spend hours talking and processing our feels with each other.

But this is a very micro-micro-cosm, and I want to make sure I remain fluent in other verbal methods of communicating.

Regional ways.

Because there are ways I process things that are specifically Northwest radical or West Coast radical, and they would not survive anywhere near the East Coast, the South, or my families.

I have to remain fluent in regional communication styles.

It's a cultural thing.

Self-Reminders

- I need to write everyday. Like every single day or else it causes a block in my mental/emotional processing. I also need to budget better for pens and notebooks.

- I need to over-communicate, even when it feels like I can't. I'm a Slytherin and a Gemini--I can literally do anything.

- It's important to do things I commit to, even when I don't want to. Esp when I don't want to

- Exercising is great and *bonus* my gym has hella babes

- I should spend more time talking with the friends I see the least.

- Be about that leafy green and taht fruit lyfe

- Do it. Just do it. It doesn't matter, just do it. It'll be easier if I just do it rather than thinking about doing and weighing the pros and cons and over-thinking the whole thing and prettifying myself so that I freeze and spend the next two weeks thinking about how things woulda been different if I'd just done it. The word done can be replaced with 'say'.

-

Re: Is It Really Semantics?

After a few days of contemplation I've decided that:

Innocence definitely does not equal ignorance.

The inability to articulate does not equate to inexperience.

Obliviousness can simply mean lack of context.

Naivete does not mean 'incapable of learning.'

Things to keep in mind....

"I Miss You"

Sometimes silence is better than an "I miss you." Even when I feel the overwhelming urge to say those words, because they swim through my mind constantly.

Sometimes silence is better than the slow creaking open of a door. A door that can be opened with an "I miss you."

Instead, I'll stand on the other side, forehead pressed against cold wood, thinking the words feverishly

fiercely

but never uttering them aloud.

Some doors are better left shut.

Re-Learning Gentleness

Hand-written. Crosspost with CMQ

---------------------

The other day I was hanging out with Baby Q and I pulled open a kitchen drawer for them. I accidentally overexerted and the glass containers inside lammed against one another with a very loud result. Baby Q looked at me in surprise, I looked at them with a shameful grimace and said, "Sorry. I'm re-learning gentleness."

This has been the case for me since about... three months on T, wen it really started to kick in and cause a sharp increase in my muscle density and strength. For about six week, I was a walking wreck--swinging my arms and knocking things over, leaning against things and knocking things over, tossing things too hard and knocking things over. It was pretty bad.

Starting T is a second puberty--relearning the way my body's strength and coordination work, individually and together. For a short while, I actually refrained from too much physical contact, for fear that a gentle squeeze would actually be a vice grip. But that didn't last long.  I work with kids and they demand constant physical contact . And it was babies who helped me re-learn gentleness and helped me undeerstand this new strength and how to control it.

For the past month I've been going to the gym and it's like Round Two of re-learning gentleness. More than a few times I've tossed Baby Q a little too high when we're playing. Luckily they don't mind, but that's not to say it doesn't matter.

My work requires that I am gentle--not just in manner and spirit, but also with touch. I think it's rather ironic that as I'm teaching a toddler how to use "gentle hands," they are helping me re-learn the same thing.

Is It Really Semantics?

I've been thinking the past few... weeks... about oblivious people. Is it that they just don't know that makes them oblivious? And then, would this obliviousness actually be ignorance?

But then, their obliviousness is not harmful, but is ignorance always harmful? Or... does it just mean they are not intentionally harmful? But really, intention does not determine if an action is harmful. People with 'good' intentions can still harm and they do so all the time.

So... then maybe it's naivete.... But then, is that the same as innocence? Because I know innocence is not the same as ignorance, but maybe innocence can be the same as obliviousness...?

What ways do I hold these things in myself? What have I lost and gained throughout the years? And once something is gone, is it always gone or can it be re-gained...?

*edited at a reasonable hour to clarify the philosophical waxing after only 7hrs of sleep in the last 36hr-cycle.

New Year's Themes and Resolutions

Oh, I forgot to post this so that I have documentation to hold myself accountable. I also need to do a FutureMe.org email for a quarterly check-in. But let me focus on this post.

Family and Reconnexion, Part Deux - During 2013 I re-prioritised my family and put a lot of energy into trying to re-build the connections that have weakened or that I haven't been nurturing. It was pretty productive--it feels really good to be in a place where I can text family and we have a level of established intimacy where we don't have to always talk about the weather. Ugh, I hate meteorological talk, but sometimes it's part of the process. This year I'm taking it further and really pushing to increase the level of intimacy with family who I talk with pretty regularly and also to reach out more (or again) to folks who haven't been as responsive during these past twelve months.

I'm also trying to balance it out with not only being the person who reaches out, because I'm not trying to have one-sided interactions. I want to focus more on building and nurturing authentic relationships where we're asking about each other and checking in with each other. I think it's important for the feelings of affection and care to be expressed somewhat equally.

I'm also looking to talk with family members about their stories and perspectives. I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I'm interested in personal culture and how that culture is held and passed on through people. Like the stories my grandmother has but hasn't had the opportunity to share, or the childhood of my dad. Things that have become more meaningful to me that I'm beginning to realise are not going to be readily available forever. I'm starting to feel the press of Time and I want to take time to talk with relatives about their stories.

Positive Self-Talk: Quit Stressing Myself the Fuq Out! - My friend DS recently helped me rethink the way I view (potential) romantic relationships. I stepped so far out of my comfort zone that it caused me to re-evaluate the things I do to psyche myself out of doing new things and of doing things differently. I've been reflecting these past few weeks, and I feel like I'm done with this negative self talk.

So for 2014, I'm going to more actively challenge my negative self chatter and work to unlearn this negativity. I've done a lot of new and brave things these past twelve months, and I'm eager to continue doing this (and more).

How am I doing this? Well, I've started by pushing back a little every time I think or muter a negative comment. It could be something like,

negative self-talk: Ugh, that's so stupid, why did I even try?

pushback: Ok. So, maybe it didn't work this time, but I now have the experience and I know that that particular method was not successful. Maybe it would work in a different scenario, so I'll shelve it, but effort should be checked with cold words. Now, five good things about your life right now GO!!

I know that the pushback will change and evolve--I'm going to work on documenting my pushback methods, because it's important to see what works and what doesn't.  It will also help me to remember to be kind, gentle, and compassionate with myself.

Over-Communicating

My roomie AL was telling me how our other roomie CF gave advice about 'over-communicating', or really talking "too much" about things--particularly if there's conflict. I did it intentionally recently to much success and I've been doing it with friends for the past few months or so, without knowing it was an actual 'thing'. Now that I have a word for it though, I'm going to do it ALL THE TIME!!

Sometimes people tell me I'm 'too sensitive' or 'over-dramatic' but I'm living by my motto "Communicate or die."  Now it's going to be "Over-communicate or die."

It's important to me to be quite clear with my intentions and expectations and whatever else, simply because I've spent so much of my life in the fog of my imagination. I also tend to project my emotions A LOT so it's easiest and healthiest for me to just go ahead and say what I'm feeling or what I think and have the other person respond, rather than letting my hyper-active imagination torture my tender Heart. Besides, it builds intimacy when I can be vulnerable with people I care about, and it just makes me feel better. I'm really, really working on prioritising my mental/emotional health.

Tapping Into My Intuition

I have a very strong Intuition. It's telling me things all the time. I'm going to work on recognising and heeding this gut feeling. My ancestors are constantly whispering in my ear--I'm going to be a better descendant and listen to them.

Resolutions

I don't usually make resolutions but these are a little more instant result ish.

1) Dance more! It helps me express joy and frustration and gets me back into my body  and my new roomies love to dance and make music, and it's positively infectious.

2) Write more and more in-depth. I feel like I'm hitting a trough with my blog writing and I'm going to be challenging myself more to do deeper, more reflective writing. I think too that I need to begin sharing more of my writing in order to get feedback and also because sharing my process with others is really important to me. I might also take up fictional writing again. It's been more than a few years and I think my fingers are beginning to itch....

3) Socialise more and meet new people. Leaving Olympia is really helping me remember that I love people and building relationships. I feel like Seattle has a lot of opportunities, and I'm ready to tap into them.

4) Keep growing my hair out. Maybe locs, maybe twists, maybe just cornrows foreva. I'll figure it out when I get some real length. It's good to my cultural reconnexion, it's good for my gender, and it's good to dig my fingers into my hair again. It helps keep me calm.

5) Making people laugh more. I feel like I am remembering what a joyous person I am and I really wanna share that joy with others.

6) Listening more to others. Just in general, and more specifically when there's a conflict or if the other person just needs an ear.

7) Eat more sesame balls. They're gluten-, dairy-, and egg-free and they make me deliriously happy, so why the fuq not??

8) Go with the flow. I've spent a lot of my childhood and adult life freaking out about things I can't control. Why fight it? I have all of these skills for coping and adapting to change--I'm going to use them and continue learning how to relax when things veer (or get back on) Course.

9) Find and engage in more intellectual stimulation. I want to read more fiction by authors of colour and do math/science-y stuff and make music. I want to use my brain in new and exciting and challenging ways.

10) Tell people the nice things I think/feel about them. I have a lot of loved ones who tell me they feel really validated when I notice the things they do or the things they are working on in themselves. I think it's important to witness people in their processes, and it's something I really wanna do more of. Especially if it means that I can make someone smile or feel Seen.