I push, a lot. I push to test limits and to see who will push back. It's an element in my personality to push; I've done it since I was young and I don't want to change it. I admire and respect the people who push back, and I tend to gravitate towards those individuals. I need to be pushed back to keep my strong personality in check. And it keeps things exciting. I'm a Gemini. ;-)
Ms Piggy. Oh, how I have loathed her since I was a wee one of six years. She is the antithesis to everything which I aspire. Controlling, arrogant, and domineering. Her relationship with Kermit reminds me a touch of my parents'. And then I had someone point out to me that her qualities are echoed within me. That made me cold and I turned my gaze inward to intro-flect.
Now not all of Ms Piggy's characteristics are negative; it's always good to be a strong individual, but I concede that too much of a good thing is off-putting. I will be more mindful and conscious of my behaviour. This town is way too small to have enemies.
The lesson: When I push, push back. Hard.
27 October 2010
Distraction
My mind is not my own. Whose it it now? When you know, let me know....
I'm looking around me at Olympia, at the people and the places, and I'm struck by how small it all is. And then I think "I'm a woman," and it shrinks a bit, and then I think, "I'm Black," and it shrinks a bit more, and then I think "I'm queer," and it's nearly touching my sides. But it doesn't feel stifling. I feel like... I'm ready to run. Like I'm humming with energy; all I need is an appropriate outlet to channel it through.
I'm bored. Academically speaking. I thought I would be engaged here, but I'm not. At least at UCF there was a chance that one of the four courses would provide something of interest. But maybe it's a lull in the quarter, maybe it's the people I have lecture and seminar with. And maybe it's the weather, which is turning gray. I need more sweaters.
I'm tired. I need to go to bed. But I am restless, distracted if you will. Words aren't working to quiet my mind. I am overflowing with thoughts and ideas, and ponderings as to what others around me are feeling, thinking, wishing for. Sometimes I wish I were telepathic so that I could have a window into others' minds. I can feel the distress of some of the people around me, but I don't know what the root of it is. Curious, always so curious.
Sometimes I wish I could help everyone. I wish I had the ability to be that outlet that people need; the Listener. I want to listen to what people have to say and process it for myself. I don't think I'd give advice, because all too often people don't want it. They just want to talk and think out loud with another warm body in the room. But they don't want judgement. Just ears.
Quieting. My mind is beginning to settle. Only a few thoughts remain to bounce and that is no surprise to me. I wake up with thoughts half-formed and already drying. I wonder what it would be like to not be thinking all of the time. To have a quiet consciousness. To simply observe and not process or compare or predict. To just be. Never gonna happen in my mind.
There are so many people to know and so many interesting things to do. Sleep is ocming. I wish there was more time, and more me's to go around. Sometimes I stop and think about all of the people I am not going to have the opp to meet in this lifetime, and all the things I'm going to miss out on. It doesn't make me sad, just hopeful that I will be able to have another go.
I've been thinking and introflecting really hard. And then my book arrived and it's putting everything down concretely, asking the really good questions that get my words flowing like a river. :)
I wonder where I'll be in two months. I'm giving everything two months to settle in and then I'll re-evaluate. Well, I say two months but I'll be lucky if I can keep my sanity for two weeks. It's a day-to-day thing and I'm barely keeping the lid on. It's like a pot of rice threatening to boil over. The mess takes forever to clean up. But so does oatmeal in the microwave. Maybe it's a starch thing....
I am sad because those around me are sad. I feel the energy radiating off of them. It's amazing how we humans can put on a good face, but are crying inside. I can feel it. It knocks me off balance. I want to give hugs to everyone. I crave the physical contact as reassurance, even though the sorrow is not my own.
I still cannot articulate the attraction. It seems to be everything and nothing, all at once. Is it the lure of grief? Am I in fix-it mode? Maybe we're mirrors?
It's a Triangle. My favourite shape. I think it's interesting how these things happen. Maybe more serendipitous.... Everything happens for a reason. Not my particular belief but sometimes I think it.
My mind is emptied. Time for bed. :) And no, I will not know half of the stuff I referenced in this post. The woes of clear-mindedness at 2AM on a Wednesday.
I'm looking around me at Olympia, at the people and the places, and I'm struck by how small it all is. And then I think "I'm a woman," and it shrinks a bit, and then I think, "I'm Black," and it shrinks a bit more, and then I think "I'm queer," and it's nearly touching my sides. But it doesn't feel stifling. I feel like... I'm ready to run. Like I'm humming with energy; all I need is an appropriate outlet to channel it through.
I'm bored. Academically speaking. I thought I would be engaged here, but I'm not. At least at UCF there was a chance that one of the four courses would provide something of interest. But maybe it's a lull in the quarter, maybe it's the people I have lecture and seminar with. And maybe it's the weather, which is turning gray. I need more sweaters.
I'm tired. I need to go to bed. But I am restless, distracted if you will. Words aren't working to quiet my mind. I am overflowing with thoughts and ideas, and ponderings as to what others around me are feeling, thinking, wishing for. Sometimes I wish I were telepathic so that I could have a window into others' minds. I can feel the distress of some of the people around me, but I don't know what the root of it is. Curious, always so curious.
Sometimes I wish I could help everyone. I wish I had the ability to be that outlet that people need; the Listener. I want to listen to what people have to say and process it for myself. I don't think I'd give advice, because all too often people don't want it. They just want to talk and think out loud with another warm body in the room. But they don't want judgement. Just ears.
Quieting. My mind is beginning to settle. Only a few thoughts remain to bounce and that is no surprise to me. I wake up with thoughts half-formed and already drying. I wonder what it would be like to not be thinking all of the time. To have a quiet consciousness. To simply observe and not process or compare or predict. To just be. Never gonna happen in my mind.
There are so many people to know and so many interesting things to do. Sleep is ocming. I wish there was more time, and more me's to go around. Sometimes I stop and think about all of the people I am not going to have the opp to meet in this lifetime, and all the things I'm going to miss out on. It doesn't make me sad, just hopeful that I will be able to have another go.
I've been thinking and introflecting really hard. And then my book arrived and it's putting everything down concretely, asking the really good questions that get my words flowing like a river. :)
I wonder where I'll be in two months. I'm giving everything two months to settle in and then I'll re-evaluate. Well, I say two months but I'll be lucky if I can keep my sanity for two weeks. It's a day-to-day thing and I'm barely keeping the lid on. It's like a pot of rice threatening to boil over. The mess takes forever to clean up. But so does oatmeal in the microwave. Maybe it's a starch thing....
I am sad because those around me are sad. I feel the energy radiating off of them. It's amazing how we humans can put on a good face, but are crying inside. I can feel it. It knocks me off balance. I want to give hugs to everyone. I crave the physical contact as reassurance, even though the sorrow is not my own.
I still cannot articulate the attraction. It seems to be everything and nothing, all at once. Is it the lure of grief? Am I in fix-it mode? Maybe we're mirrors?
It's a Triangle. My favourite shape. I think it's interesting how these things happen. Maybe more serendipitous.... Everything happens for a reason. Not my particular belief but sometimes I think it.
My mind is emptied. Time for bed. :) And no, I will not know half of the stuff I referenced in this post. The woes of clear-mindedness at 2AM on a Wednesday.
24 October 2010
Ditty
Connection to Nature, connection to others, connection to self.
Respect for Nature, respect for others respect for Self.
Value Nature, Value others, Value Self.
Love Nature, Love others and Love self.
Respect for Nature, respect for others respect for Self.
Value Nature, Value others, Value Self.
Love Nature, Love others and Love self.
22 October 2010
Just Her
"I felt the soft waves of energy emanating from Her. It was a slow pull toward Her. I saw Her like a blossom unfolding in the first rays of the sun, opening its petals to the dawn. And I've been transfixed ever since."
That is how I describe my first encounter with Her. The words don't do my attraction justice, because I feel it much more strongly and deeply. I feel drawn to her as if she were a magnet. There's an addictive element to her that I can't ignore, that I can't quite place my finger on the exact quality it is that draws me in....
I just know that I have to fight it. I have to deny myself that which my spirit years for more than anything at the moment. It is counterintuitive at its basest form... but what else am I do do?
That is how I describe my first encounter with Her. The words don't do my attraction justice, because I feel it much more strongly and deeply. I feel drawn to her as if she were a magnet. There's an addictive element to her that I can't ignore, that I can't quite place my finger on the exact quality it is that draws me in....
I just know that I have to fight it. I have to deny myself that which my spirit years for more than anything at the moment. It is counterintuitive at its basest form... but what else am I do do?
Emotion
A year ago, I fell in love with a beautiful woman, C. Even though we did not develop a relationship, she awoke within me a depth of emotion the like of which I had never dreamed possible.
Since this experience, I have felt more intensely than i want to at times. My heart is now the ruler where logic once reigned. This change is not necessarily bad, just taking some getting used to
Let's take for instance, my most recent heartache. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to spend whole days in bed just thinking of her. I never before imagined what the power of emotions could do, and it's awesome in that one person can elicit such depth and breadth of emotional responses. Yes, it's sucky because I'm the one lying on my living room floor writing this out so that maybe I can find some solace in my dreams this night. But it's also so empowering to know that I have the capacity to feel so much.
One day, this loss and lamentation will be in my past, but I hope I never forget what it was like to be so moved by this one beautiful individual.
17 October 2010
Transcendence
I feel like I'm operating on another plane right now. Things have been revealed to me, things have been clarified, and I'm growing.
Love. I feel like Harry Potter in Book 5 where Dumbledore tells him the reason he survived Voldemort's initial attack and then again in the Ministry of Magic, and Harry all but rolls his eyes. I used to scoff at the word. Yes, I've felt warmth and affection in the past towards people and things, but last night just cleared my mind's eye. Now I understand exactly what Dumbledore was on about. I've met people in the last few weeks who I've felt such an intense connection with, it's nearly palpable.
It's like I've found a bit of myself in someone else, and it just clicks. I feel like I'm glowing when I'm with these people or that the sun's come out from behind the clouds when I'm in their presence. It's like nuclear fission; the energy is amazing.
Last night I learned a lot about myself, and the potential that as yet remains untapped. I feel like the people I was around helped me to climb up into something... more. Something better, something greater, something... more. It's not that I've been doing things wrong... but I've been doing them in a way that wasn't true to myself. I have to be more conscious of how I view things or else I can fall back into my old ways. I have to reevaluate the way I view things and situations in order to truly learn and grow from experiences I have. I have to accommodate not only others, but also myself.
Last night I transcended, and I'm still rising....
15 October 2010
Rationalisation
Humans are stunning in their ability to rationalise any thing. Whether it be hatred and prejudice, or love and tolerance, we are a very unique species in this capacity.
I'm also amazed recently how emotion has been affecting my rationalisation and judgement skills. I remember a time when I used to be indifferent, stoic, and wholly logical. Now I don't know what I am.
Is this what it's like to be human?
I'm also amazed recently how emotion has been affecting my rationalisation and judgement skills. I remember a time when I used to be indifferent, stoic, and wholly logical. Now I don't know what I am.
Is this what it's like to be human?
14 October 2010
Prophecy
This isn't my usual style, but bear with me.
Today in seminar, as a closing point, our group had to name one concept or idea within Edward Said's Orientalism that really resonated with us for one reason or another. I chose the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy as it relates to perception and perpetuation of ideas. Let me give the context.
"Orientalism" is basically how the West (US, Britain, France, etc.) view Northern Africa, Egypt, the Middle East and Asia. It began when the Western Europeans became interested in the East and basically went to these lands and took in all the cultures, traditions, etc. and lumped them under one umbrella and called it "Orientalism," renamed all of this territory and countries "the Orient" and called these peoples "Orientals".
My point was that this whole relationship between East and West was a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the Europeans went into the lands and cried, "You are all Orientals and this is how you are supposed to behave, act, dress, etc." Over time the 'Orientals' internalised these thoughts and began to fulfill the expectations of the Europeans. This lead to a cyclical justification, because essentially the Europeans said that 'Orientals' had a particular culture and lo and behold if eventually they were proved right.
This concept can be applied throughout history, and applies to all peoples. Just look at American society and how particular minority groups are portrayed in the media. It took a while, but now the stereotypes are being fulfilled.
It's frightening how strong the rhetoric can be and how utterly effective it can be in shaping societies and the individuals' perception of themselves.
I had someone say to me today that they were 'so over' the word Oriental. I'm not. I still see it as derogative and dehumanising. I know it's simply a concept, but it holds powerful stereotypes and oppressive thoughts within it. I equate it with the use of 'Negro' as identifying an African-American. Yes, it's acceptable to some groups, but the connotations behind it are so negative and reminiscent of the days of intolerance. It's just a personal opinion, but perhaps because I'm part of a marginalised group and I'm still very entrenched within the culture that I feel so strongly about it.
Words are powerful tools with which entire worlds can be shifted. Use them wisely.
Today in seminar, as a closing point, our group had to name one concept or idea within Edward Said's Orientalism that really resonated with us for one reason or another. I chose the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy as it relates to perception and perpetuation of ideas. Let me give the context.
"Orientalism" is basically how the West (US, Britain, France, etc.) view Northern Africa, Egypt, the Middle East and Asia. It began when the Western Europeans became interested in the East and basically went to these lands and took in all the cultures, traditions, etc. and lumped them under one umbrella and called it "Orientalism," renamed all of this territory and countries "the Orient" and called these peoples "Orientals".
My point was that this whole relationship between East and West was a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the Europeans went into the lands and cried, "You are all Orientals and this is how you are supposed to behave, act, dress, etc." Over time the 'Orientals' internalised these thoughts and began to fulfill the expectations of the Europeans. This lead to a cyclical justification, because essentially the Europeans said that 'Orientals' had a particular culture and lo and behold if eventually they were proved right.
This concept can be applied throughout history, and applies to all peoples. Just look at American society and how particular minority groups are portrayed in the media. It took a while, but now the stereotypes are being fulfilled.
It's frightening how strong the rhetoric can be and how utterly effective it can be in shaping societies and the individuals' perception of themselves.
I had someone say to me today that they were 'so over' the word Oriental. I'm not. I still see it as derogative and dehumanising. I know it's simply a concept, but it holds powerful stereotypes and oppressive thoughts within it. I equate it with the use of 'Negro' as identifying an African-American. Yes, it's acceptable to some groups, but the connotations behind it are so negative and reminiscent of the days of intolerance. It's just a personal opinion, but perhaps because I'm part of a marginalised group and I'm still very entrenched within the culture that I feel so strongly about it.
Words are powerful tools with which entire worlds can be shifted. Use them wisely.
07 October 2010
Brown
One of the biggest changes I've noticed since arriving in Olympia is my attitude towards brown and Brown people.
I'll be one of the first to admit that I am a product of my society and have internalised the prejudices against Brown-skinned people. Most people are surprised to know about the racism that exists within the Brown community, and much of it is because of the media messages we receive. It's stifling, battling against the media's influence and trying to develop an identity with cultural expectations.
But here in Olympia... every thing is different, at least for me. I 've only realised how much pressure I felt to be the exception to the negative stereotypes plaguing the African-American community. Now, I simply am. I don't feel like I have to perform for anyone anymore. Maybe it was being gay and living in the Bible Belt, or being in the same place for over 15 years, or maybe it was the people who seemed so superficial. Whatever the reason, it's freeing living up here, and my perspective on all things Brown has completely changed.
I'm not judged by the Brownies here, because I'm an Oreo (Black on the outside, White on the inside) or "not acting Black enough". There is a real sense of community and acceptance at Evergreen. And possibly in reaction, I'm not feeling so hostile toward my own people. It's refreshing.
And for the first time in a long time, I looked at my skin, and I saw not the burden of the colour, but the possibility for growth, and rising above all the negativity of my past.
God, it's good to be Brown.
02 October 2010
Beauty
This has been an undercurrent for my thoughts for the majority of the week, because my standard of beauty had been under assault by mainstream media. How? By listening to Top 40 music.
I'll admit, my head is turned by anything: a song, a movie, a quote. I have to really focus not to lose myself when I listen to the opinions of others, at least initially. After removing myself from the situation, I can get a better grip on reality, but when it comes to music, I am hopeless.
The song in question: "OMG" by Usher. It's been my earworm as of late due to the fact that much of my energy has been devoted to thoughts of potential romantic partners. Needless to say, Usher's smooth voice and flows only aggravated the situation, but I kept pushing "Repeat" nonetheless. ;)
But as I've been listening to this song on a white-knuckle rotation, I've began to internalise a particular interpretation of beauty; namely a bootylicious African American female. I've never seen the video for this particular song, but if Beyoncé is anything to go off of, my shot isn't that far from the mark. And today I cracked.
I had to step back and mentally separate the merging ideals of beauty. I felt like I was under attack from a vicious octopus who was trying to swallow my brain. And once I had my own thoughts again, I realised that I was battling myself.
Beauty is such a subjective thing, it really is quite pointless to attempt to compare one form against another. It's not a competition between appearance or actions or personality; it's a combination of all three components that make the individual beautiful.
... And here it is, the answer to all the riddles.... I love Em & Lo.
I'll admit, my head is turned by anything: a song, a movie, a quote. I have to really focus not to lose myself when I listen to the opinions of others, at least initially. After removing myself from the situation, I can get a better grip on reality, but when it comes to music, I am hopeless.
The song in question: "OMG" by Usher. It's been my earworm as of late due to the fact that much of my energy has been devoted to thoughts of potential romantic partners. Needless to say, Usher's smooth voice and flows only aggravated the situation, but I kept pushing "Repeat" nonetheless. ;)
But as I've been listening to this song on a white-knuckle rotation, I've began to internalise a particular interpretation of beauty; namely a bootylicious African American female. I've never seen the video for this particular song, but if Beyoncé is anything to go off of, my shot isn't that far from the mark. And today I cracked.
I had to step back and mentally separate the merging ideals of beauty. I felt like I was under attack from a vicious octopus who was trying to swallow my brain. And once I had my own thoughts again, I realised that I was battling myself.
Beauty is such a subjective thing, it really is quite pointless to attempt to compare one form against another. It's not a competition between appearance or actions or personality; it's a combination of all three components that make the individual beautiful.
... And here it is, the answer to all the riddles.... I love Em & Lo.
Sex
I read a post earlier today that had me ready to rant before I could even finish the intro. But first let's set this up with a few important question: What is a "dry spell"?
According to the author a dry spell is a length of time an individual goes without engaging in sex. Pretty basic, but I know of people who've stared at me blankly when I mentioned this term in standard conversation. What constitutes sex is never listed, but I'm going to assume sexual intercourse (m/m, f/m, f/f).
Now, why should we care so much? We Westerners live in a sex negative society. The mainstream advertises sex, because it sells, but it's still rather taboo to discuss publicly. That's slowly changing, but for the most part, it's like we've just stepped off the Mayflower in the general attitude regarding sex.
This article though, touched a nerve with me. The options of the poll imply that going more than a month without sex was cause for grief. I understand that The Frisky is supposed to be forward-thinking but I'm (again) becoming frustrated with their narrow scope. Or maybe I'm just over-analysing things.... Whatever.
The comments provided more prospective on the subject, and it was refreshing to see that not everyone is riddled with anguish at the thought of going more than 30 days abstinent. One commenter in particular stated that the reason for her celibacy is due to her discerning manner when it comes to entering serious relationships. I really liked that she wrote this because I think it's easy to get caught up in the swing of popular youth culture and screw anything with a pulse. Or at least that's what I perceive to be the general thought.
Celibacy is a personal choice, just like tossing your cookies at every person who looks at you longer than a few seconds. To each their own; I'm not one to judge. I just wish that others would be so... open-minded and accepting. But like I mentioned above, I've been snarkier than usual, and I might be getting riled up for no reason.
Onto the next topic
According to the author a dry spell is a length of time an individual goes without engaging in sex. Pretty basic, but I know of people who've stared at me blankly when I mentioned this term in standard conversation. What constitutes sex is never listed, but I'm going to assume sexual intercourse (m/m, f/m, f/f).
Now, why should we care so much? We Westerners live in a sex negative society. The mainstream advertises sex, because it sells, but it's still rather taboo to discuss publicly. That's slowly changing, but for the most part, it's like we've just stepped off the Mayflower in the general attitude regarding sex.
This article though, touched a nerve with me. The options of the poll imply that going more than a month without sex was cause for grief. I understand that The Frisky is supposed to be forward-thinking but I'm (again) becoming frustrated with their narrow scope. Or maybe I'm just over-analysing things.... Whatever.
The comments provided more prospective on the subject, and it was refreshing to see that not everyone is riddled with anguish at the thought of going more than 30 days abstinent. One commenter in particular stated that the reason for her celibacy is due to her discerning manner when it comes to entering serious relationships. I really liked that she wrote this because I think it's easy to get caught up in the swing of popular youth culture and screw anything with a pulse. Or at least that's what I perceive to be the general thought.
Celibacy is a personal choice, just like tossing your cookies at every person who looks at you longer than a few seconds. To each their own; I'm not one to judge. I just wish that others would be so... open-minded and accepting. But like I mentioned above, I've been snarkier than usual, and I might be getting riled up for no reason.
Onto the next topic
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