"Trust the Timing of Your Life"

Trust the timing of your life. 

I saw this quote on my Tumblr feed tonight and I felt like I'd been gobsmacked.

It's exactly what I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I've been reflecting on how my Life lately has felt like a continuous build-up. As if I'm handed an obstacle, and then I am able to  overcome it and then I get something slightly more challenging and stretch myself a bit more to overcome it.  I dunno if it's my ancestors or my perspective or what. But I see it and I am desperately trying to keep up on my lessons.

I think, too, that I've been feeling very restless lately. Like, restless enough to begin actually changing things so that I can express some of this energy. It was like this last year I've been biding my time and figuring out my Self again. Starting T has been a big journey and I feel like I'm exiting the super-green awkward stage and am able to navigate the world again.

I feel ready to edge out of my comfort zone.

I think I'm ready to begin.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Ezell's Famous Chicken will heal a broken Heart.

Also, sesame balls for the vegans and gf folks. 

I may feel like crap (physically) the next day, but my hear will be healing.  And that's all that matters.

Reflecting

Sometimes I wonder how much more... anxious/neurotic/depressed/dissatisfied I'd be if I didn't write only this little percentage of what I think about everyday.....

And thus I am resolved to record even more of my thoughts for the new year.

Well, actually I started writing more in general and blogging more here near the beginning of the month. It's been going really well so far. I'm even thinking about starting another blog, though I don't know the rationale in that....

I think maybe instead I'll just increase my output for these two public blogs instead. Or maybe just increase productivity on all five of them....

Yeah. That last one tho....

Family Secrets

Yesterday during lunch with a buddy, we got onto the topic of family and specifically our dads. My friend is/was estranged from his dad, who was absent during his childhood.  It wasn't until he was a young adult that he reached out and actually found out what was going on in the home during that time. It brought a lot of resolution and puts a lot of things into context.

This has inspired me. For a long time I had anger at the events of my own childhood, but talking with my sibs about our childhood--esp since we're of different ages and different ways of storing memories--has made be being to rethink things. And yesterday's lunch has me thinking that I'm ready to get all the pieces to this puzzle.

We talked as well about how trauma impacts the dynamics of family and how those dynamics influence later generations. It's historical trauma, but it's interesting how much that trauma lives on and ravages relationships when no one is talking about it. It's as if this beast known as Trauma has a wider playing field because folks are going to overlook/deny/stright-up ignore anything relating to the root.  I recognise that this is a coping mechanism because Black folks have hellla shit to deal with and are still being assaulted with racism via institutions, daily interactions, poverty. Shit is real.

I think or me personally, I'm going to start to be a bit more proactive. I know some family members who have been more willing than others to talk about the hurts they've suffered. I  think that learning about this part of my family hisotry will contextualise the hurts I suffered as a child and help me heal.

I feel like I'm ready to learn about the unspoken parts of my family history not only for myself, but to have these stories to help me put things into context for my own kids.  Each of us carries the weigh of our forebearers and--to mea--it only makes sense to know that we carry the moments of triumph and joy and celebration, and also the traumas and resiliency to keep surviving when the situations are dangerous and even deadly.

I owe that much to my kids. I owe that much to myself. I owe that much to my ancestors, to know their history so it won't be forgotten.

Affirmations From My Younger Sister

This afternoon I was texting with my younger sister, who I call stinky. I was telling her about my crush and also giving her meat-cooking advice (like always) because she had undercooked her salmon and was worried about food poisoning. This child stay undercooking some meat--I told her she should just eat vegetables and beans cuz you can't get salmonella from them. At least not usually. Anyways.

Long story short she's really excited that I have found a nice crush (like, maybe even more than I am. ok sike) and keeps asking when the two of us are gonna hangout and I told her I'd keep her uupdated. Then she rolls out with some:

"I hope they like you. They seem nice. You have a pic with them. That means they don't mind being seen in public with you."

...lawd save this chile...

WTF???!! Who says that???? My sister, that's who. omgawd

But I got her back by telling her her 'cooked' salmon looked pink enough to be in sushi so she burnt it just to make sure. Those older sib reflexes are hard to shake off, even three thousand miles away.... 

Sry, not sry stinky.

Wait, Is This Relationship Actually Amicable??

I honestly never thought it would happen. I have a record that would prove completely contrary.  But lo and behold if I don't have an amicable relationship--dare I say friendship--with an ex.

I never thought we'd get to this place, things were so... tumultuous, like the fucking North Sea in winter--steel gray, cold as fuck, waves meters high. But distance and Time heal and we're talking again. The history is still between us AND we acknowledge it and move forward.

I'm still in shock. But this person is someone I don't think I can live without. Besides, I tried that already. It was not fun.

Hits

Try my other blog. It's much more colourful.

Oh, and thanks for reading.

Regrets

For the past few weeks, I've been thinking about regrets. A friend brought up the subject of mistakes versus regrets, and how they make the distinction--mistakes are choices whose outcomes may be less than ideal, but that the lessons they earn are integral to shaping the person they are becoming, thus there is no regret.

I was waiting for the bus a few days ago and thinking of my regrets.  I too regret very few things--I learn by doing, despite my efforts to learn from observing and witnessing others, but alas, I'm a hands-on person and stubborn to boot. I guess it's part of my process. :le sigh:

I forget the regrets I managed to list, but right now three big ones come to mind, but the one that is currently causing me the most grief is credit card debt.

I know so boring, with me being an american and all, but that shit is so real. Like, ugh, I dread the beginning of the month because I have the bill in my face and it feels like the amount is static. It literally feels like it's never going away, like some weird mole that may or may not be malignant, but I can't afford to go tot he dermatologist to get it biopsied, let alone afford to go to the dermatologist because duh, I'm paying for this credit card.

I think the way this regret has influenced my life is that I don't, don't don't spend anywhere near what I used to. I'll admit, I was caught up in the consumerist culture of Sunny Central Florida, but my conscious ness was awake enough to question the wisdom of spending more than I earned. But I was younger and more reckless and I did it anyway. Like I said, stubborn.

Three years later and I have those reminders every month of what consumerism cost me--thousands of dollars and many thousands more in the forthcoming years. I'm lucky though--the amount is crushing to me, but not soul-crushing. I don't have any assets to seize or dependents that will be responsible if for some reason I can no longer pay. And 'm really about that thrifty lyfe, and also very critical of how capitalism disenfranchises poor folks and swindles us into spending above our means.

I don't believe that money is real, but the bills and the collectors surely are. And I'm not trying to get them any realer after my ass.

Unfriendly Black Hottie

I've been thinking a lot lately about the ways that anti-Black racism* manifests in my life. Mostly because I've been getting pretty fed up with acquaintances and (sometimes) friends who pass judgment on my behaviours without analysing the systems of oppression that are influencing my behaviour.

Well I guess 'fed up' is not accurate.  It's more like... sick with rage and sadness and disappointment and really very frusrated. Like screaming underwater frustrated.

I'm getting to the point where I just don't even make an effort to be polite---I just ignore. Which is probably--ok, its really a very poor defence mechanism, so say I. But it's an old stand-by and I lean on it heavily when I've exhausted the fancy new tools I've picked up during my time in the Northwest.

I recently read a quote on Tumblr, that went something like, "Never apologise for what you did in order to survive." This is something I've been repeating to myself recently, because I'm realising what an assault on my mental health this covert anti-Black racism is, particularly when it's within the 'social justise' circles. Particularly when it comes from other folks of colour.

It's one of the things I'm kind of done with in the Northwest. One of the many things.

Something that sticks with me that I had to deal with the other day was when a light-skinned, mixed API/European person told me that they don't understand why I'm so distant/aloof towards people and that I might be surprised who I can build friendships with.

....

What did Aurien do? I did not snark back or act out. Instead I nodded slowly, calmly grabbed my foodbowl and left the room.

But it's micro-aggressions like these that don't take into account the fact that people perceive my Blackness (and "maleness") as a 'threat'; without factoring in that I am only a 'suitable' companion as long as I don't say anything of substance (aka the 'dumb Black sidekick'); without taking into account that I am used as the 'token Black friend'; and the fact that maybe I don't want anymore fucking friends, among others.  It's when folks cannot imagine outside of their own experience, esp after multiple conversations, that makes me... lose patience and compassion with them.

Anyhow, I think anti-Black racism stings a bit more when it comes from folks of colour. And I also have a harder time bringing it up because... it feels like it's distracting from the dismantling of racism. Now, I know that this is on some faux anti-racist shit because we should all be willing and able to critique the anti-insert racial/ethnic category here. 

I know.

But it's a real thing I have to tiptoe around. I have seen more than a few non-Black poc get hella pissed when I or others try to talk with them about their anti-Black rhetoric.  I try to do it in a compassionate way, but... some folks just aren't ready to hear what I have to say. (This is as eloquent as I get at 1am)

Sometimes when I bite my tongue I think to myself, Damn folks think I'm mean now, what woulda happened if I hadn't filtered that comment...?  But I digress.

I just wish folks would be more willing to acknowledge their non-Black racial privilege and what it grants them, as well as being accountable when they are fucking douchebags who shit all over Black people (even if it's in that psuedo-polite Northwest way) and to recognise that we may all be in this struggle together as non-white folks, but I'll be damned if that means we don't have serious work to do to heal the strife between us.  I mean, white supremacy is still around today because it did and is doing a fucking good job of pitting non-white people against each other. That shit ain't goin nowhere till we look it in the face and t a l k about it--crying, screaming, sharing cake, throwing shit, but we have to talk about it, and that will involve :gasp: non-Black poc owning the ways they benefit from and perpetuate anti-Black racism.

Kudos to the people who are working on their anti-Black shit. I just wish there were more of y'all speaking up and speaking out....

---------------

*So, naturally, racism does not operate in a vacuum--I'm scaling back (though not omitting) my analysis for the way anti-Black racism intersects with some of my other identities, including (but not limited to) being raised and living poor, being a gender non-conforming person, and a Southerner (I dunno if "the academy" recognises Southern bias, but folks mis-understand, mis-represent, under-estimate, and generally hate on anything that comes from the South).

Long Distance Relationships

Recently, I've been reflecting on the fact that the majority of my relationships are long-distance. Friends family, romantic interests.

This is significant in an important way. It means I have to be much more intentional with staying connected because the only impromptu encounters are the very rare times I visit/they visit.

It's also stressful and Heart-wrenching to be so far from the people I care about most, to not be able to hug, kiss, and spend spontaneous time with.

It's so stressful and so worth it.

Looking For a Home

I'm moving again! Within Seattle city limits, tg.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to move and what I'm looking for in a home. I've begun to attach more to the word 'home' because yeah, I live in a house but it's the ownership of the space and the people in it that make it a home. And i'm definitely looking for a home.

Also, I'm kinda done with moving. I have a good feeling about this new place and i'd like to stay for the remainder of my time in Seattle.Or if I decide to stay in Seattle, I only wanna move if I'm seriously partnered and/or have kids.

Like, I am so done with this process.

... Grad School

I've been thinking very recently about going to grad school.  I dunno if it's the fact that the grace period on the majority of my student loans is expiring or that I'm bored being out of the classroom (not that I wasn't bored in the classroom as well) or maybe it's the fact that UW is every present and is whispering to me late at night.

Actually, I have a pretty firm idea of what's making the prospect of paying someone to tell me what to do is.

I'm not going to do a social science.

I love learning about peoples and the way they think and do shit and how the histories of our ancestors are alive today because we are living and doing them. But I don't wanna study in an academic setting. I've had enough theory to last me the rest of my life and I'm ready for a new avenue.

I'm thinking architecture or urban planning or engineering.

I love natural science and how things work and figuring out ways to do things better and more efficiently. I love learning about how everyday life patterns form. I also get really annoyed when I look at something and can think of five ways to do it more efficiently, if not better.

I'm still in the beginning stages, but I'm on UW's website trying to find something that I can commit to for two yeras.

Ugh, I just dropped the 'c' word of my own accord. This must be serious.

What Don't You Get?

My roommate invited me to some queer punk show. I declined and told her I will always decline her invitations, though I appreciate her efforts. She told me that I have fun in ways that she doesn't get.

Ok. So my idea of fun isn't at a show with loud music that gives me a headache, surrounded by folks who I have no interest in getting to know who are on substances, trying to talk to me, probably touching me without my permission, ignoring me entirely or tokenising me because of my Black skin.

How is it unclear why this is un-fun to me?

And why is it so difficult to understand that I'd rather hang out at someone's house, eating food, making art, or sitting in their kitchen talking. What about this as Aurien's version of fun is unclear?

Why do people have to constantly shit on my fun? Like, I don't get it. Do your fun, I'll do mine and we can talk about our respective funs over brunch Sunday morning.

But not if you're going to be an asshole. Then no, you can't have some of my delicious yummy-ripe. Cuz fuck you for shitting on my fun.

This Is How It Begins

oh goodness. when my gemini and scorpio come together it's all my pisces can do to keep a grip on sanity.

my Rabbit is freaking out.

but it's good to shake things up every once in awhile.

I got that Slytherin ambition.

Humbled

Today i had a friend tell me of the first time we met.

She said we met in the student of colour lounge during the Summer before her First Year. She told me I gave her the 'deadface' when she told me that she hadn't registered for classes and that I told her to talk with the awesome, queer academic advisor. I apparently also told her about the paltry transit system in Oly, which helped her out a lot.

I sat in embarrassed shock, because I vaguely recalled this and also, my manner is so not PNW--it's purely Southern and comes off as a little.... harsh. :/

But my friend said I helped her out so much and 'gave a face to the process' or at least scaled it down to a manageable size.

I'm still shocked. I don't think often about my impact with my peers, or at least first impressions, particularly when I'm relaxed and not in PNW-mode.

But to know that I helped her out, and showed her where the path is... she said her college experience would have been vastly different if she hadn't encountered me in the lounge that day.  And that she's thankful for it.

I am so fucking humbled. So fucking humbled to know that something that didn't mean much to me, meant so much to someone else and that I helped her navigate this hugely, dizzying, bureaucratic system. Particularly as a women of colour.

Holy fucking shit.

I think a lot about my impact with kiddos, because I work with kids, but I often forget to think about how the way I move through the world influences my peers.

Things I need to be more mindful of.....

Something's Missing

I feel like something is missing. Not in myself, but.... something that will make things make a little more sense. A purpose maybe, or a goal.

It's as if I'm going through these motions and I don't know what it's for. I'm doing things just to do them or because they are expected of me. I don't like this feeling of empty activity.

Maybe it's because I don't have roots in the Northwest. I have friends, who aren't from the area and who are returning to their respective homes. Bu I have no lasting connexions here, and my history is not in the soil--there's nothing to keep me here.

Maybe what's missing is the want to have roots... here??

...

My Heart will always beat in the South--this I know. But maybe I'm looking for something to tie me down here....

Maybe that's what I'm waiting for.

I think the only way that would happen is if I create a family here.  Family, in terms of children with a partner/partners.

I have some ideas about how this can happen... but who knows. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Oh wait. The controlfreak in me is not down for surprises.

Hmm, well I've found that Hints are often thrown in my face, so as long as I am,--ahem--vigilant, maybe I won't be caught too off guard and will take the situation with grace.

Maybe.

Grateful Journal

I've done a second overhaul of my Tumblr. I've decided to re-focus my attention on the things that happen in my daily that I am grateful for.

I feel a difference in my days. I think too that I've been doing a lot of things to help ease my... whatever-I-can't-think-of-the-appropriate-word.

Hmm, maybe it's like--

I've made a lot of changes that are helping with my physical functions and my mental well-being--and the Spirit was the final piece. I feel much healtheier overall, the best I've felt in a long time.

But I feel like there's something more I need to do.... something that's waiting for me to figure out what it is.

I think maybe that's why I've been writing so much these past few days. Like hours of journaling, not blogging. And that's kinda why I've been a little neglectful of online blogs. :/

But there's just something about pen on paper that... sings to my Soul. :)

One Year Ago...

One year ago I started T!  And what a year it's been.

I'm in the process of writing about my experiences, comparing what I feel and who I am now to where I was and who I was last year.

It feels really good to 1) be one year removed and 2) to have grown emotionally so fucking much and to be able to look back and actually say, "Yeah, I've actually done a lot of thinking and processing and growing and I'm happy with the person I see myself as now."

I think emotional growth is the place I was lacking the most. Well, while I've made huge strides, I still have a long way to go.

And that's good. I wanna stay learning about ways to become a kinder, more compassionate, emotionally healthy person.

Fucking White People!!

this is a rant-post

---------

Ever have those moments when you're gonna hang out with a poc friend or a group of poc friends and it's gonna be so awesome.... until you have that one friend (y'all know who I'm talking about) who decides at the last minute--without consulting anyone--that they're gonna invite their fucking white friend??

OMG I DO!!

I fucking H A T E when that shit happens!!

And I just know when that situation arises, it's on some untrained white shit. My white friends, or at least mutual white friends of my poc friends, fucking KNOW BETTER. My white friends fucking KNOW that they do not show up at poc hangouts unless they know every poc at the hangout. And shit, even if they do, they STILL know that we will be justfine without their white asses joining in.

Aiight, but let's talk about those poc friends who pull this shit.

WHAT THE FUCK THO?! Can't we have anything? Not one goddamned thing? Not even three hours to hangout in a poc space and build community? Not even 180  white-free minutes?

I mean, g a w d we live in the Pacific Northwest!! White people are crawling around here like roaches on a compost pile in Southern Florida in August. We sing, we dance, we put on those smiles, we wipe away white tears for white folks all the time.

The assault is so real. It's literally killing us.

And now we can't even eat in peace!!

This type of shit makes me re-evaluate relationships. And then when I bring it up, I'm the angry Black person.

shiiiit.....

Ready to Return

I am ready to return to the South.

I feel like I've been out of context for these past three years. I've ben speaking a language that's not my own. I've been acting out behaviours that aretn' my own. I've been slowly suffocating and leaching my Spirit, simultaneously.

I don't think it was a mistake to come out here--indeed, I needed the space to grow and realise who I am and what work I'm supposed to be doing during my time here. it feels really good to reflect on what I've learnt and how I can use those lessons and skills to take them back to the South.

I' excited to discover what's in store.

Crushes

so many crushes, so little time...

well, actually there is enough time. I just need to manage mine a little better

Hello, Seattle

i'm so happy that this has finally happened. I didn't think I'd be living in Seattle, but I'm learning to re-think a lot of things. 

I'm happy to be here, happy to be out of Oly.  So glad I made it out.

The Sight

Currently, I'm reading/listening to a book called Lirael by Garth Nix. It's amazingly creepy, suspenseful and so so beautifully written. If you haven't read his work, I highly highly recommend it. But only if you're into high fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian futures.

Anyways, Lirael deals with a line of folks called the Clayr, who have the Sight, or the ability to glimpse into the possible futures.  And I've been thinking a bit about how in our world, there is ancestral knowledge in us to Feel and perhaps even See things that have been and might be.

I think back to my own family where I know of relatives who have told stories of  dreams and premonitions coming to light.  I've noticed a recent upswing in my perception and have been listening in more closely to that niggling feeling I get in my stomach when things are about to Happen.

Ok, so I've been having pretty vivid day/dreams lately, and I am convinced that some of them have an actually possibility of Happening. I don't think that things just Happen--I believe that we--or in this case I--have a heavy hand in shaping what my Future will be.  And I'm at the point where I'm motivated enough to take risks I wouldn't have previously entertained.

Maybe my ambition was just taking a break these past few years.....

When People Shit on Kindles

It really pisses me off when people shit on Kindles and other eReaders.

I just look at them, my mind racing with thoughts like, "Uh-huh bc print books are accessible to everyone right?" and "Fuck you for being so fucking lofty about print books," and "Ugh, spare me your 'print book purism, puh-lease!"

I hate that fully-sighted folks often go on and on about being able to 'hold a book in their hands' and 'the smell of the ink on the pages' and blahblahblah. Yeah, I love that shit too and I grew up with it and I still have a shelf full of books. But what do I love more? Being able to fucking read stories on my Kindle because I can make the font large enough for me to read without causing massive eye strain and a debilitating headache.

Take your print-book judginess alllll the way in that far corner before I throw my Kindle and my fucken Nook in your face.

Happy Birthday, I Miss You

Tomorrow--technically today cause I'm talking about PR Time--is my dad's birthday. It's been five years since I've seen him.  Our relationship has been strained, but I'm in a place where I'm ready to do the work to rebuild.

Part of that means going back to PR, because it's been calling me for awhile now.  I'm not sure what awaits me there, but I'm confident I'll know it when I see it.

Death of a Relationship

Direct, open communication is one of my top values. I really want i to be central in all of my relationships because it's something I need in order to function and thrive.

Currently, I'm bumping up against this value as I contemplate a three year relationship that's caused a lot of growth and also a tremendous amount of pain. Usually relationships taper of, but I'm challenging myself to be more active an intentional about the way I end this relationship. I feel like if I let it taper off, there will always be an open door for things to get stirred up again.

And that is not what I want, at all.

I want things to be cut and dry, with absolutely no room for resurrection--at least that's my current thought process. I need time and space to Heal from the Hurts an that means no contact.

:le sigh:

It's time to fully heal.

Being a Non-Student

It feels weird, walking around the campus that was such a central part of my life for the last three years. It feels... freeing in a way to know I owe no obligations to the classrooms, buildings, or people there. I'm not required to be anywhere or do anything or sit for a number of hours pretending to listen....

I love not having my life dominated by people telling me what I should read, of listening to people process their privilege aloud to the detriment of my emotional and mental well-being, of shelling out thousands of dollars for an education that makes me question how much I actually learned....

I feel nostalgic about the community I was a part of--making eye contact with fellow poc/rad folk/qweers when a particularly ignorant person felt the need to make their tired opinions known, of bonding over the mountains of homework and stress of deadlines; of the delirium of academic/student leadership/employment/social life that weighed so heavily on the shoulders of my peers and me.

I have fond memories, and some actual nightmares of my undergrad years. I'm glad to have made it through the trials, the first of my family.  I will not forget the lessons I've learnt, and I will work hard in giving back--to my peers and to the family who will pursue higher education.

Happy

I was falling asleep today and thinking about how content I feel. Like actual contentedness, not complacency or "This is enough for now."

I feel happy--happy to be moving to Seattle, happy to have cruhes who make me feel good, happy to have amazing friends who have my back, happy to have a great job with a great family....

I'm just happy to be here.

A is for Aero

My mom has the gift of foresight, for better or for worse. My younger sister has it too. I think it amounts to a willingness to receive....

Anyhow, I was riding the bus from Seattle  after work as was staring out the window, daydreaming and thinking of names that begin with A. I've always been a fan of vowel names and even more so now that my name starts with A. Anyways, I was trying to think of neutral, unique A names and I stumbled upon Aero. I was lukewarm to it and rolled it around my mouth while staring at the freeway flying by.

When I spoke it a third time, I had a premonition. Or that's what I like to call it.

I saw the image of a kid, of about three or four years and they were stretched above my head in classic airplane mode. They were fine-boned, brown skinned, with straight-ish dark brown hair in a bowl cut had a fierce look of joy on their face. They had their arms outstretched as if to take flight and said, "Aero-plane!" as I said Aero for the third time.

I have a feeling this is either my kiddo or a kiddo that's going to play a big part in my life.

I can't wait to meet them.

Fa-ti-gue

I hadn't realised how sleep deprived I was until this morning when I woke up without feeling like I'd been rundown by a city bus.

I've been trying to sleep train myself to not be so sensitive to noises, because I do share this house with (at least) four other people at any given time. But I have roommates who get up early in the morning and amble around the kitchen, I have roommates who slam doors, I have a roommate who sleeps above my room and drops shit loudly at random times in the late night and late morning. I have roommates who run up and down the creaky old stairs. I ahve roommates who play music with bass kicked up so loud it makes my temples ache.

I'm going to concede defeat and use my sound machine for the next however long it takes for me to start feeling rested again. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

I Will Go Down With This Ship

*spoiler alerts for the 90s anime Yu Yu Hakusho*

-------

Today i finished the series Yu Yu Hakusho. It used to air on Adult Swim or Toonami... I think Adult Swim.... Anyhow, I love the show. Its kind of a pillar of my mid- to late-adolescence.

The show also has one of my favourite ships of all time/teenage OTP--Hiei/Kurama.  In case you're unfamiliar with fanfiction jargon, ship is short for 'relationship' and OTP is 'one true pairing'.  Basically, it's like 'what characters of a show do I like to imagine have romantic/sexual relationships' and who do I think would be the best ever couple together? OMG I can just imagine them riding off into the sunset together and living happily ever after together, Snow White style!'  It's like that.

Anyhow, today I finished the series.  And in episode 111, there's a moment when Hiei gives a precious stone to Kurama, who politely tells Hiei he's not interested in him as anything more than a friend. The sweat drop on Hiei's head combined with the fact that the writers have been leading ALL of US along since the introduction of these two characters what too much. I imagined a fleet of Hiei/Kurama ships going up in flames, with poor souls jumping overboard as the structure was engulfed in flames.

I fell the fuq out. Literally.

I shrieked and fell off my bed, and hollered for a good minute. I was so loud, my roommate had to let my dog in from outside because puppy was concerned. And I still laughed. That shit was def worth the ten year wait.

I love when writers/directors tap into potential ships and lead viewers along. I mean, clearly it's toying with my emotions, but I don't mind. Because we all know that there is SOMETHING going on between the two of them. It's written between the lines. We so don't have to acknowledge it openly, I get it. The world is not ready for this kick-ass power couple.

And that is why there's fanfiction and fanart.

Taking Things For Granted

Tonight has reminded me that I need to be grateful for all the things I have.  It's so easy to get caught up in the 'I wish I had..." and the "I need..." and "I want...."

I need to take a moment and realise that I have so much. That I need to quit taking it for granted. That I need to show my appreciation and gratitude more.

Authenticity

I've been thinking a lot lately about authenticity when beginning new relationships--romantic, professional, friendships--and the ways in which I am not completely authentic. I recognise that in some situations, compromise must be made--esp if it's livelihood we're talking about, cuz rent needs to get paid.

I was talking with Muffin last night about ways in which we mask certain parts of our personalities because we want to be 'nice' or 'make a good impression' when beginning new relationships, and how I feel this isn't something that works for me. I also saw a post on Tumblr that said something to the effect of, "There's no point in hiding parts of ourself form the other person--it's going to come out eventually."  She agreed and added that if there are parts of our personality we feel need to be hidden, then it's probably something that needs to be worked out anyway, because those behaviours are impacting our current relationships as well.

Wisest Muffin.

Since this conversation, I've been thinking a lot about parts of my personality that I mask, and I notice it's mostly my moodiness and my snark.  I've been doing so less as I get older, because I recognise that not everyone can keep up. But I 'm also reflecting on different tactics I use to let folks know what they're getting themselves into.  Directness is probably the best method I've found, as well as doing my own investigation to figure out the roots of my moodiness and snarkiness--mainly social anxiety.

Most folks are pretty receptive when I tell them, and that releases the pressure I feel to 'perform' or 'behave' and those aren't usually big issues in our relationship--unless I engage with gluten, which is guaranteed to release the moodiest, snarkiest Aurien.

Still working on that.

"Touchy-Feely"

Today in a job interview at a local public school, my approach to relating to, talking with, and caring for children was called "touchy-feely".

If by touchy-feely, the interviewer meant that I continuously work to communicate openly and honestly with them; love and squeeze them; run around with them on sunny days and splash with them in puddles on rainy ones; listen attentively to their stories; try to answer the mind-blowing questions they come up with; share interests with them; help them tie their shoes; strive to be emotionally available; and generally value young people as human beings with valid thoughts, ideas, and emotions that are worthy and deserving of respect--

They yes. I guess I'm pretty "touchy-feely".

Grateful for Children

I'm feeling really grateful to that day during the Summer of 2004 when I tagged along with high school buddies to volunteer at a local childcare center.  I was missing my baby cousin and baby nephew so badly and I just wanted to be around babies.  Little did I know that sporadic volunteering would turn into a regular after-school thing would grow into my first every jahb and I'd be looking back a decade later with awesome childcare experience, having found my life's work.

I have loved dozens of children, and I hold the gifts they shared close to my Heart--from Darrius who always used to pinch me and Nadica the 3yo who would curse me out in Hatian Creole to Baby Larry who was the biggest 10-month old goofball I've yet to encounter to Kendall, who's mom always kept her outfits coordinated down to her shoelaces and my baby Noah, and those days when I literally carried him the moment he walked through the door just so he wouldn't shriek the entire day.  All of these kiddos taught me something about myself and what it takes to take care of and be cared for.

I love children--even when it's tought--and I am so honoured to work with them and learn from/with them and to grow alongside them.  Young children have taught me some of the most valuable lessons in my life--they've reminded me that we're all learning and that the learning process cannot be taken for granted; they've taught me that's it's ok to break down and cry because sometimes that what's needed at that moment, they've taught me about kindness and being willing to share; they've taught me that I am an eternal child and that I never want to grow up.

Intimacy

My emotional needs have been changing.  There are folks who've provided a lot of support for me in the past who I've drifted away from, some I've turned away from, and still others have turned away form me.  I'm learning to be ok with these changes.

I'm a fiercely private person, and I don't often share with others the roots of my thoughts, concerns, wonderings, etc.  Even here, on these blogs, when writing is my easiest form of communication. It's a complex issue, one I may (not) save for another post.

Anyhow, recently I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and actually saying some of the more personal things that wander through my mind.  I've gotten mixed results--I've felt mixed results--and it's given me even more to think about, in terms of who I'm building a deeper connection with, what I actually care to share, and who I won't be sharing things with any longer.  Overall though, I'm really pleased that i'm finally feeling steady enough in myself to say these deep things aloud.

Something I'm noticing more now is who I share certain things with. I used to believe in a catch-all person--someone who I could talk with every thing about. :cough: Yeah, not anymore. Every person has their strengths and I find it easier to talk with one friend about trans*masculinity and family shit with another and Love with someone else.

Well, actually, I'll talk Love with just about anyone who will listen. I'm a romantic and I'm always bouncing ideas off folks to determine whether they are swoon-worthy enough to add to my repertoire.  And also to gush over Love quotes. My buddy PSM is super great for that.    

It's really interesting to note who the folks I can communicate easily with about real shit are and folks who who I try to connect with but it's just better if we eat burgers together and shoot the superficial shit.

I need  a balance of both.

But mostly I just need burgers, to fill the Void. Peanut butter-strawberry shakes fill the sadness of my Heart.

Black Women

crosspost with CMQ and JTA

---------

I was/am raised by Black women. I was/am guided by Black women. I was/am nurtured by Black women. I was/am loved by Black women.  

I've been reflecting on my interactions with the Black women in my family, and how these have changed as I've begun to be perceived as a man. 

I've been reading about Black masculinity in bell hooks' 'We Real Cool,' and trying to figure out how my performance of masculinity has been impacted by being a person that was assigned female at birth, and how this socialisation has influenced and continues to influence the decisions and choices I make. 

I've been thinking about how Black women are portrayed in the media and the sometimes overt, but oftentimes subtle misogynoir (anti-Black racism and sexism) that I observe from this gray-area I inhabit between the worlds of masculinity and femininity.  

Is the fierce protectiveness I feel for Black women paternalistic and condescending? Am I perpetuating the sexist cycle of Black masculinity by stifling the autonomy of Black womanhood? How can I balance these conflicting feelings to create stronger, healthier bonds between myself and the Black women in my life?

I've been thinking a lot about the power and benefits* I am granted as a person who can move through men's spaces, and how to use this power to interrupt anti-Black sexism within (and outside of) the Black community.

I have been struggling to understand how I Love Black women, and in what ways. How do I honour this Love? In what ways am I challenging my internalised misogynoir, as a person who once identified as a Black woman? How is this Love changing as I am granted male benefits*?

I've been thinking deeply about the time I identified as a Black woman, and a sense of loss of community I feel by no longer identifying as such. How can I use this lifetime of experience to create space for conversations around gender, masculinity, femininity, and gender expression in the Black spaces I move through? 

These are a few questions I've been mulling over the last year....

*I use the term 'benefits' rather than 'privileges' when describing being perceived as a man. Privilege is power given that is never thought about except when it is challenged but even in those occasions it is still present; benefits are given on a case-by-case basis.  I am a trans*masculine female-assigned-at-birth person. Although I pass as a man in most spaces, there are still instances where I do not. In these cases, I am subject to overt sexism and transphobia, and the potential harassment and assault is always present. I am continuously conscious that these benefits are conditional and can be taken away in any given situation.

Other People's Advice, Round 2

I recently wrote about how I am often mistrustful of others' advice when it comes to identity-specific conflicts in my life, like being a Black FAAB person raised in the South. That's a very... unique experience, esp living so far from the South and its very distinct cultural way of being.

But

Yesterday I got really great advice from a newer friend about co-parenting, which has been at the forefront of my mind for the last... two weeks(?).  He is the first person I've encountered that is co-parenting a non-bio child with a close friend who he's not romantically involved with.  He ran me through his experience--how it was kind of a running joke, but when shit got real, he stepped in and now shares his child with the baby's mom and her past partners.  It was really cool to hear how they're all still figuring out what co-parenting means and are really flexible about making sure the folks who want to be involved with the baby are.  And also, the plans my friend is making with the mama about future children and what that would look like for their relationship.

Ugh, can I just--all the feels!! I love when folks are really intentional about kids and raising children and making sure everyone involved has their needs met. And I love that it's something new for everyone involved but they're communicating intentionally and deeply about how to do it so it feels right.

:le sigh:

It was a really inspiring conversation and has me thinking more deeply and critically about my motivations for co-parenting and who I want to co-parent with and what that could potentially look like/be structured like.


This friend also listened to my dilemma--of finding someone who I think I'd co-parent really well and how to propose such an idea to.  He's really good, and thoughtful and intentional, so I trust his advice. We also share a deep love for children and that's a connecting common denominator.

Anyhow, this friend advised me to bring it up casually, in a joke-like manner.

....

And there is the answer to the riddle.  

He also advised me to move to the Bay sooner than later (like in the next two months) and is even helping me out in the job hunt, and offered to be a faux reference. At first, I brushed off his suggestion, but twenty minutes later I'm fantasising about how this can all work out. And it seems to be... all working out.

....

Other people's advice. Sometimes it actually is the little nudge you need out of the door

Out of the Closet

I spent the last four days painting my closet. It was an ordeal, complete with bad headaches form paint fumes, near tantrums when I messed up the trim, and overzealous attention to detail.

But looking at it this morning, I was so pleased!! I'm not thrilled with the colours--cream with yellow trim--but it was already in the house. And it looks waaaay better than the ratty white walls that looked like a few 2yo had had tantrums in there.

.....

I also set up an alter, which I feel really good about. And I think that was the whole reason I started painting in the first place....

Whatever. I need to do more paint projects. It's a positive way to focus my control issues for good. :D

Pray

I've been going through a bit of a scrunch. I've been feeling really really ready to leave the PNW, but wanting to set things up so I enter a solid situation.  I initially gave myself a year to get my shit together, tie-up loose ends, and land squarely in the Bay.  I asked my ancestors to help me find a local job so that I can save up monies and prepare to leave. I forget exactly how I worded it, but there was a lot of emphasis on getting a job and getting to Oakland.

Fast forward to today.

I'm hanging out with my friend who's also a nanny, and we're browsing nanny agency ads, Craigslist, care.com shit looking for ads to model mine after.  I have plans to stay up in Tacoma for a bit to save rent money before I launch South tot he Bay.  And my friend is scrolling down page after page, jaw dropped at the golden opps that San Francisco offers, in terms of monetary compensation for sitting on some kids for a couple of hours.  And he says I shold just find a live-in nanny gig and jump to the Bay, fuck Tacoma.

I brush it of, but twenty minutes later we're brainstorming actual what-ifs about me dropping the little that is holding me here to move.  And some of these families are shelling out so much, that even as live-in, that within a few months, I would have more than enough to drop them and live on my own comfortably.

So I've been thinking, maybe this is my ancestors' answer. I mean, I'm gon trust that they have seen enough lifetimes to know what I need better than I do and that this is a sign. I mean, I am as unattached as I'm ever going to be--I'm kid free partner free and know folks in the Bay that could help me out if shit got real before I could make it back to Tacoma.  Also, my cuz in Tacoma said they'd be my safety net if shit got real, and real bad in the Bay.

So, the question now is,

when is my flight to SFO?

Vacuumed Thoughts

I do this thing, where I think really intensely about something for 3-4 days and then I come to a conclusion, and then I decide to act on it.  Except that it usually fails, and as I was washing dishes this evening, I came up with a reason as to why that might be.

I think in a vacuum.  I forget to let real-life variables weigh in, particularly when my intense thinking involves other parties.  And then I act as if these other parties are privvy to my complex mental process.

But not this time.

I'm going to take all of these intense thoughts I've been having and share them as candidly as possible with the other parties involved.  And also, not stake too much in the response.

Hopefully this will help buffer a potentially unfavourable response.

Hopefully...

Other People's Advice

I have a really hard time listening to other people's advice. I don't know if I'm just stubborn, if I just don't trust the opinions of others' when it comes to my individual circumstances, or if I don't give enough context tot he situation I'm talking about, or all of the above.

However it works, I've recently got some really... poor advice from a friend about a really difficult familial situation.  As I've been reflecting on it these past few days, I've come to realise it's a cultural difference.  There are just some things that I have endured that are tied up in the Black cultural experience.  And if the advice giver is not Black, there are just things that can't be... relayed in words. And specifically the Black FAAB experience, and how that socialisation and those stereotypes ripple out to influence my movement and interaction in the world....

I'll be keeping this in mind.

Baby Fever

crosspost with CMQ

---------

I have a lot of friends who talk about how they have 'baby fever' or want to have babies. I need to contextualise my baby fever.

When I talk about baby fever, it's less the the "Holy fuq, there's a human growing in my body!" or the "Holy fuq this person is crying and eating and pooping at the same time, in my lap!!" or the "Holy fuq this person is walking around and-- Gotdamn, I thought I moved that thing onto a high shelf!"

It's more the "You just made the sign for 'milk'--let me get some for you," and the "You memorized that whole story and read it back to me. You are so awesome!!" and the "You ask really great questions. Let's brainstorm some answers together," and the "Your sibling is crying because of a choice you made. Let's talk about alternatives so maybe next time no one gets hurt."

The raising kids to become thoughtful, compassionate, radical, revolutionary visionaries.

That's what baby fever means to me.

Loving When It Gets Complicated

I talked with my cuz yesterday about a very complex relationship I have with a friend.  It's been an up and down kind of thin for the last three years, emotions running high and sideways, Love growing and changing, reshaping and stretching me more than I thought possible when everything began.

I said I would be there for them, and I'm beginning to question if that's a healthy realistic possibility. I have a strong sense of duty and commitment when I say I'm going to do something, but I'm wondering when is it time to quit? Esp when my mental and emotional health have been ravaged during the course of this relationship.

I'm wondering how to communicate my changing and growing needs with this person, or if my silence will speak for itself...?

Can I challenge myself to give space for my Heart to Heal and Process some of the toxicity that's been growing between us, or do I take the risk of my mental and emotional health to talk it out yet again? Is it worth it when we talk and talk and talk without really saying anything?

Confined/Options

I was riding the 605 through Nisqually, looking out at the sunset, and thinking about how confined I've felt for the past year.  And about how I have a tendency to wait for folks before I make decisions, tot he point where nothing happens.  And I got really angry--which has been happening more frequently--and frustrated with myself for becoming so complacent and dependent.

I'm tired of waiting for people, and I'm not going to do it anymore. I feel like I've lost a bit of myself while sitting here waiting for things to happen to me rather than making things happen.  I have too much to do.

So I am casting out a wide net, job hunting with ferocity, hitting people up for favours, taking people up on their offers of help, shamelessly trying to get my ass out of the Northwest because I've realised it's killing me in much the same way Orlando almost did. Slowly sinking into a listless depression, thinking that I didn't have options or that I had reached the apex of my potential and was already in decline.

I'm not about that this time.

I have too much shit to do to waste any more time in this little town.

Co-Parenting

crosspost with CMQ

---------

I have baby fever. It's not like it's exactly a secret--ask my friends.  I've been thinking seriously about things for awhile now--shit that went on in my childhood and healing through those hurts so that I can be more present for my own kids; where I want to raise my kiddos so that they will have access to culture, community and a variety of different resources as they learn and grow; the values and lessons I want to raise my children with.

I should probably start thinking seriously about whether I actually want to birth babies. That's going to take more intentional planning since that means finding a doc who's trans* friendly and competent as well as sperm and shit.

:le sigh:

I've been thinking seriously about all of this because I recently found someone who I seriously want to co-parent with. Their temperament and personality complement mine.  We communicate well. And we rub along easily together.  The bonus is I saw them around a child and

:deep breath:

it's e x a c t l y what I'm looking for. The light in their eyes and the focus on the child... :domestic swoon:  I can't even, because it was so perfect and exactly what I've been looking for.

Now the difficult part is getting up the courage to share my grand idea with them.  I mean, this isn't something I can bring up on a whim. How does one go about asking another person to co-parent with them?  This is harder than asking someone out, because the level of commitment is just so great. This is a lifetime we'd be committing to  each other....

Shit just got so real. >___<

Kindness Crush

I have this friend who is known for their kindness and generosity.  We're not super close but always friendly.

So recently I hit this friend up with a place to stay while I was traveling, and was all but floored

--no, pretty sure I was completely floored, like writhing on the ground with shock--

when they opened up their home so readily and graciously, esp since we'd only hung out in groups while we lived in Oly.  And during this conversation discussing arrival times, things to do, and other travel-y things, they asked how I was.  And it was the sincere kind of asking, not the 'I don't want this to just be some awkward travel-y update'.  I'd forgotten that that's their signature.

And this little bubble grew in my chest, and I'm calling it a kindness crush.  It's the kind of crush where I'm just so in awe at how giving and open they are with what they have.

I'm going to hold onto this pinkish-purple kindness crush bubble and keep it close to my Heart as I ready myself to travel back into the gloomy fog of the PNW.

Vaccinating My Children

Last night during an Oly Nanny Co-op meet'n'greet, one of the parents asked if we will accept children who have not been vaccinated. It was a good question, because I've worked primarily in childcare settings in Florida, where I don't know if we ever encountered a family who had not vaccinated.

And I started thinking if I would vaccinate my own child and kids that I co-parent....

I have read a little about it, seen a lot of negative media about it--which I'm still rolling my eyes at--and I think I will probably always vaccinate.  I'm not necessarily pro-vaccination because of health reasons or anti anyone who doesn't.  I just know that I will be raising Black children and/or mixed race Black children.  I know enough about how the medical industrial complex has treated Black bodies and it continues to treat them and people of colour today. It makes me intensely wary of what type of treatment potentially sick kids of mine would receive and the quality of that treatment.

I'm not willing to put my kids and family through that.

Melanin

I love my Black skin.

I love hat it remembers how to greet the Sun, even when they don't meet for most of the years.

I love the red undertones, a nod to the solidarity with which my Native ancestors stood by my African ones.

This darkness that envelops me is

Strength

Knowledge

Perseverance

Determination

Survival

Love

Pride

Power.

Loving Libras

I recently read a quote by James Baldwin that read,

"Love does not begin and end the way we think it does. Love is a battle. Love is war. Love is growing up."

Ever since, I've been thinking a lot of how I have loved in my lifetime and the ways in which I love have changed since coming to the PNW.

I think I love differently, more deeply because I am able to recognise the hurts and traumas  that I carry that get in the way of Loving.

My Libra has helped a lot with that.

I should express my gratitude more.

Apologies

Apologising is hard.

And it gets harder to do when I reflect and recognise that by letting my Pride get in the way, I have let go of important relationships.

I know it's part of the trauma of my past, and the past of my foremothers.

But I recognise the part I play in this unhealthy behaviour.

In part of my New Year's theme of 'Family and Re-Connecting', I'm thinking more critically about the relationships I have let go, and the part I played in their disintegration.

I'm going to be working harder to push myself to move past my Pride and own my shit and say what needs to be said.

Especially if it's hard.

boundaries w stinky

It's been a huge struggle to establish healthy boundaries with my younger sister, stinky, bc we’re just now beginning to develop a relationship with each other that isn’t antagonistic/abusive.

she’s been in a really rough spot these past two years and I feel wrestle with feelings of guilt and helplessness at not being able to support her in person (like being able to cook her dinner after a long day).

tonight we were on the phone and Lil Leo was in the background, whining because stinky wouldn’t let him hold the phone.  The whining quickly escalated to actual crying as my sister told him to shut up or she was going to spank him. 

I’ve spoken with her before about how it makes me uncomfortable when she yells at Leo, but this is the first time she’s mentioned spanking him.  And my stomach went cold, as I flashed back to our childhood and the physical violence that went on.  I literally froze as a flashback of one of my beatings played out in my mind.

I told her calmly that I didn’t like the way she was talking to Leo, and that we should talk at a later time so she could take care of him and calm him down.

I stared at the phone for a good minute, wondering what was happening 3,000 miles away in a little Florida town.  

I still feel unsettled/guilty about having to cut our talk short, esp because she sounded sad as i hung up. I know that if I had stayed on the line, I would have gotten really upset and probably acted out some of my frustration and hurt at my/our fucked up childhood on her.

I’l follow up in a few days and articulate a little more clearly what I was feeling, why I said what I said.  In the meantime though, I’m going to work on getting my head back into the present.

Korriander the Kitty

I was waiting at the bus stop today and this tan & white kitty comes and lays in the grass nearby. Normally I retrain myself around cats—it’s my inner cat—but I checked in with my Intuition and got the green light so I went over to pet it.  

They were skeletal.  My Heart broke a little bit as I rubbed their back and felt every single vertebrae. I could feel the outline of their skull as I scratched between their ears.

And they were the sweetest! A purr machine of overflowing love. I debated whetehr or not to carry them home bc 1) I don’t like taking cats from their general areas, even though I live a few blocks away and 2) my roommate has no-joke allergies to cats. A third reason is I have allergies to cats, but I’m totally willing to Neti-Pot the hell out of my sinuses if it means I can rub a kitty’s tummy.

In the end I went to the grocery and bought kitty food and about an hour later went back tot he busstop with the food and a container of water to try and find them.  After circling the block and loitering shamelessly at the busstop I spot the kitty in someone’s yard.  And the someones were on the porch, coaxing the kitty intot heir house. 

I stood for a second across the street, then headed home. My Intuition tells me that kitty found a new home.

Mercury in Retrograde

I've been having a hard time communicating, even with myself.

I've noticed a lack of inner dialogue. I haven't been wanting to talk aloud.

But that was like for the past two weeks.

Now I'm feeling my fingers itch to get back tot he keyboard.

I just need to find the motivation to actually log in more frequently...

Family

It's been a long rough road, and I know it's nowhere near the end, but I am healing the divide with my family.

It's taken me these three years to realise that the relationships--no mater how strained--are important and crucial to my survival. I've learnt so much while living in this alternate reality known as the Pacific Northwest, but I think it was the place I needed to be in order to learn these lessons.

To have the room to grow and develop my Self.

To have the space and time to learn how to listen to my Heart and what it tells me.

To feel the ache of longing when I can't hug my sisters or see my cousin's smile or hear my gramma's laugh.

This is the place I needed to be.

unwell

I've not been taking good care of myself.  I've been cooped up too long, and instead of getting outside like I ned, I've been lying in bed trying to distract myself.

Today I had to leave the house for a Dr appt (which was great btw) and then I walked downtown.  I stopped to read in that little park off the roundabout for an hour or so and it was great.  It was sunny and clear and I saw the floating cloud (aka Mt Rainer).  I think I even got a tan.

I'm going to make some goals for my days, esp since I have nothing to do outside of my home.  One of the goals will include 30 minutes of walking. An easy feat; I just need to do it to re-sync my mind heart and body.

Tender

I've been feeling really tender lately.

This has been a really tumultuous month though....

I need to give myself more credit for holding it down.

Still trying to figure out how to get myself to cry.  Hopefully I can get it done this month so I can spend all of July welling up and releasing my emotions via lacrimating.

:crosses fingers:

Cuddling

I really love cuddling. It's taken some 25 years, but I'm back to my roots <3

Cuddlebug

Ever since moving to the PNW, I've been on a hug decline.  People up here give these really weird false-hugs that are the equivalent to wet-noodle handshakes. It's almost like why even bother going through the motions if the only parts of our bodies that touch are our shoulders

:shudders:

These wet-noodle huggers put me off hugs for nearly a year.

But recently I've found a few folks who remind me what it's like to hug and--you guessed it--their either East Coasters or Southerners.

Maybe folks only really know how to hug if they're from east of the Mississippi.....

Challenges

I am a Fire Rabbit.

stonny was telling me all about it a few weeks ago, and something that stuck was the fact that we, as Fire Rabbit, branch out and challenge ourselves when we're ready.

I think I'm ready.

Well. Ok. So. I don't ever think I'm ready for anything except a nap, so it's more like I think I'm prepared to take the risk.

Thoughts on Masculinity

I've been thinking a lot about masculinity and what that means in this is US society.

- How does my masculine presentation impact my daily?

- What does it mean when people read me as a cis-guy?

- What does it mean to be read as a Black man?

- What does it mean when I'm given more space? Physically? When talking?

- What does it mean when I spout some misogynistic bullshit? How does that impact those around me? How is that hurting myself?

- How is my non-binary trans* identity diminished when I'm read as cis?

- How can I stand in solidarity with femme folks?

- How can I continue to decolonise my internalised misogyny when I'm receiving all of these benefits?

Just some thoughts I have....

Burnt Out

I am so exhausted, and exhausted of being around people.

I haven't been getting enough sleep this last week because the Sun comes up so gotdamned early and knocks off my rhythm.

I need one hundred years of solitude.

....

Nah, then I'll complain about how lonely I am. It's no winning as a Gemini.  :/

And I Laugh

I laugh when I feel the stress of family starting to weigh me down.

I laugh when I make the bus to work on time.

I laugh when the kids I work with smile even as they walk to time out.

I laugh when I almost drop the cereal bowl and manage a last-second save.

I can feel my blood pressure drop as each peal passes through my lips. 

I gaze around at this beautiful world coloured so bright, 

so Alive 

and I laugh.

Are You a Drama Qween?

So you think you're a drama qween?  Are you an aspiring drama qween but are lacking that certain over-the-top zing with your quip? Well, lucky you've stumbled upon this post!

I identify as a Drama Qween. I'm Southern, I'm a Gemini, and I am a natural embellisher. Some people call it lying.  Pshaw! It's colourful storytelling!!  It's the difference between 'what happened' and 'my story about what happened'.  And I'll tell you now, ain't nobody interested in 'what actually happened'.  If you have an audience, entertain them! Leave them laughing--it releases endorphins and builds community.

Ready to try your hand at being a Drama Qween? Maybe you need an entry in the wide Drama Qween world that awaits you? An easy first step is dramatic responses to minor disappointments.  We'll start here because one of the secrets to being a successful Drama Qween  is utilising even the smallest ripple of emotion to blow things way out of proportion.  Whereas the average citizen would reply with something standard (read: boring), Drama Qweens of all levels recognise potential for a sassy comeback.

The key to coming up with the perfect dramatic response is to totally submerge yourself in the emotion of the moment.  Imagine that, iterally,your Heart will not go on--sorry Celine Dion--and that you will crumple into a pile of moist, snotty emotion right then and there.  Your vision begins to blur.  Your knees go weak.  You press the back of your hand to your forehead or you make a clutch for the pearls.  You take a shaky breath. You give a deep, Drama Qween sigh*.  And--this is key--you're a little bitter.

It's the bitterness that really drives the drama. Too much, and you come across as spiteful, and thus detract from your drama.  Too little, and your delivery can be lackluster and that simply won't do.  It's a careful balance. Recognise that every situation is different; find the level of bitterness that works for you.

Can you feel the drama yet? Have you captured the mood of disappointment and bitterness and are ready to release your quip? Yes?  Excellent!

It was in a moment like this that I managed to come up with this gem of a response when so-n-so told me that our date had to be rescheduled because they 'had class':

"Gawd, well there goes my week. How can I go on?? I'll just... throw myself into the Puget Sound and let the tide carry me out to sea. Look for me on the 11 o'clock news...."

Although this message was delivered via text, I still maintained the ritual. It's important to do so even if your audience isn't able to see you. It helps get your mind in the moment. The mark of a quality Drama Qween is that technology does not hinder you--your message should be able to cross all mediums for a crisp, succinct, and Drama Qween-worthy delivery.

So, what do you think? Are you ready to be a Drama Qween? Let me know in the comments.

*Thank to my good friend Sonny for reminding me that you need the deep Drama Qween sigh to complete the ritual.  Drama is nothing without the sigh.  ;)

Gemini Swagg

I spent the weekend in Portland at the Queer Students of Colour Conference, which was bomb by the way!!!

I orbited between being super energized to see people and feeling like my head was trapped in a vice because I was so overwhelmed and needed alone time.  The gluten I ate did not help.

As two buddies and me were driving home, I was told that they both admired my social skills, my courage in putting myself out there, my ability to forge connexions with new folks.

....

 ♥______________________________ ♥

They don't know how they just made my weekend so much more complete.  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Professors on Planes

I met a really awesome woc professor from Berkeley this morning on the flight from SFO to SEA.  She casually mentioned she was presenting a paper and my attention was piqued. We chatted a bit about where she was from, what she focused in and some of her research (points to me for knowing that Berkeley is a research school). Mostly, though, she focused on readying herself for the talk, which she was nervous about. I got her first name, and just spend the last twenty minutes reading up on her.

D-A-Y-U-M

She's holding it down. Solidly.

And I'd like to make a pledge, that one day in the future, our paths will cross again. Gemini promises, when they pertain to knowledge and networking, most always come true.

Watch me go.....

This Week's Goal

I'm so done with folks flaking out on me.  So done in fact that I have made it my goal for this week NOT to initiate contact with anyone. No plans. No hangouts. Nada.

I've had a few folks who I've made plans with for these past few days simply not get back to me.  I think it's rude and disrespectful and so I'm done.

I'll try it again next week. Maybe.

Clearly, I"m Stalling

I was supposed to have this Spring contract submitted on Friday.  SO naturally it's not done ad I'm doing everything except writing it.  I even cleaned my room.  o.O  This is serious procrastination.....

This has been a very good week. I don't know if it's because of the Sun being out or the flowers blooming or spending much needed time with friends or remembering to take my Vitamin D every night.  Whatever it is, I hope it never stops.  <3

Ok, now i'm going to try to write my contract desription. Ugh, this is the last time I will ever do this and I still can't motivate myself.  UGH!!!

Sore Heart

This has been a tough week.  I feel like my Heart has been/is being squeezed.

But I know that this would this soreness would not have been possible a year ago.

Nor would the recovery be so easy to initiate.

And that is why I can smile through this process.

With time....

In the Urban Onion

Tonight I had a tough talk with someone who means a lot to me.  Sometimes I feel like what brought me to this little town was them, the connexion has been so strong.

Or was... Maybe it still is.

I just know that this relationship has been one of the most tumultuous I've ever been in and my Heart has been put through the meat-grinder, repeatedly.

And through all of this, I still Love them and bear no ill will.

I feel like I've come a long way towards being a good person...

or have become a classic fool.  Time will tell

Butter

I just realised that I'm having blood work done tomorrow to measure the fats in my blood.

In the last 24-hrs, I have probably consumed the equivalent of two sticks of butter.

-____-

I am jogging downtown tomorrow morning in the hopes of sloughing a few grams off my HDL. :crosses fingers:

The Woes of a Recovering Asshole

A is for Asshole. It's something that I have been dedicating large amounts of energy to dispelling.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing great at being nice and polite and considerate, and then I have a moment (like just now) where I have a hissy on the bed, bombarded by questions like "Was that condescending? What that misogynistic? Am I upholding sexism?? OMG was that the best way I could have phrased that statement??!!"

And then my superEgo raises and eyebrow at me and says, "Breathe, cha. Ain't nobody got time for that. Eat this damned cookie and stfu." :throws cookie:

The woes of a recovering asshole....

Jet-Lag

Ok. I have officially given up trying to wrestle my Circadian rhythm into some kind of functional pattern. I am, however, still attempting to shepherd my appetite into something that resembles my normal consumption.

I'd forgotten how easily my body can get out of whack.  Trade the rain for Sun, the dampness for dryness and I manage to get just about six hours a night.  -____- I'll be lucky if they can wake me when the plane lands in Seattle. I may be overcome with exhaustion.

Oh well, at least I got some bomb new shoes!!

Pre-Flight Anxiety

It's not really the flying....

It's the double- and triple-checking to make sure I know which buses I'm taking to the airport.

It's the stress of packing most of my own food because I may not have access to the foods that I need to stay healthy.

It's the fear of packing the 'right' clothes and performing the 'right' mannerisms that will enable me to pass as a cis man, because Orlando is not a safe place for my gender expression.

It's the anxiety of not being able to find my boarding gate because the signs are not visually accessible and SeaTac airport employees are not always polite and helpful.

It's the apprehension of seeing family and old friends, and the transphobic and hurtful comments I know are going to be said--with and without harmful intent.

It's knowing the hurts of childhood and adolescence are asleep in the next room.

It's the realisation that despite my constant whining, this rainy-dreary place is more of a Home than Florida ever was.

Social Cues

I feel that as of late, in my attempts to be more nice and polite, I've been missing social cues.  Like, big ones that would be obvious, or so I'm told....

which begs the question: are things obvious only when we're looking for them or have seen them before or know how to recognise them?  What if one knows what they look like, but there's no precedent for them?

Sometimes I just wanna stay  holed up in my room playing The Sims 2.

Foster Parent

I have decided, or rather re-remembered, that I want to be a foster parent.

I've actually set a timeline for myself, because otherwise I'll either never do it, or do it too soon.  Best to begin mentally preparing myself now.  I want to start the actually process when I'm 27.  Yeah, that a wide window, but I'm a Gemini--best to give myself 12 months wiggle room.  Haha, which means I'm beginning now of course!  :P

I researched te WA state guidelines and they seem straightforward enough.  And of course that means it's overly simplifying everything.  I do need three personal references though, and I have my eyes set on folks already. It really is never too soon to plan for these things.

Next I just need to find a real job and get into a real housing situation.

Stable was supposed to go after the word real in the former sentence.  Real *stable job. Real *stable housing situation.

During that phase of stabilisation, I'll be figuring out which age range I'm interested in. Right now, I'm in love with 5-year olds, and that might change.  I just know there will be nary a diaper in my house, I think eight years of diaper changing was enough....

But then, that might change too.  :)

Grabby Hands

I've been sick this past week, am still sick in fact.  I just finished going through the house wiping down surfaces that get a lot of traffic.  I realise I alone touch a lot of stuff. I wonder if everyone else touches stuff as much as I do....

Questions that I'll never know the answer to.....

Commitment

Why do I baulk at the responsibility of commitment?

Maybe it's my Gemini kicking in.  I've never liked the idea of being held to any type of structure, let alone with rules that aren't my own....

Maybe this is a gin that I need it.  Need more structure and order....

Whatever. I NEED the money, so I'm doing it.

ReFocused

I took a break from writing. I'd written myself out, and my thoughts wer disorganised and I had a great tendency to ramble. Now, after a few weeks, I feel re-energised and ready to document my thoughts in a way that won't confuse me when I look back on these things later on.  :)

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. This past month has been tough, and the past two weeks even moreso.  I feel like I'm getting back on track thugh. Something I think I'm going to start doing is writing down long-term goals, because I have a tendency to focus so much on the next six months that I forget to think about what I'd like to be doing in the next year or two. I feel like my line of thinking has totally reversed from two yeras ago.  I don't know if I should lament that loss....