I 'graduated' this year, and with it I am doing some intense introspection about the things that are and are no longer important in my Life. I'm shedding a lot of people and things and it feels... odd to have so much weight taken off of my shoulders.
Old storms are ending, new paths are beginning, and I am ready to begin this journey with a lighter load.
29 June 2012
26 June 2012
Borders
I can honestly say national borders aren't something I lie awake at night thinking about, and that's my privilege as a US-born citizen. These last few weeks though... I've had time to really begin to contemplate what borders, these lines that signify different countries, mean.
Borders are these arbitrary things, that have little significance in the grand scheme of things. For our ancestors, borders were fluid, moving back and forth and every which way way and oftentimes didn't exist.
But they do now. And what does that mean for those of us on either side? And for those who can cross them without fear? And for those who can't?
Borders are these arbitrary things, that have little significance in the grand scheme of things. For our ancestors, borders were fluid, moving back and forth and every which way way and oftentimes didn't exist.
But they do now. And what does that mean for those of us on either side? And for those who can cross them without fear? And for those who can't?
22 June 2012
I miss you
I miss you.
Not in the soul-crushing, 'I'm going to die without you!' kind of way.
More like,
'My arms miss holding you,
and my Body misses feeling your Body against it when we hug,
and my ears miss hearing your voce and your laugh,
and my eyes miss seeing you.'
In that kind of way.
Not in the soul-crushing, 'I'm going to die without you!' kind of way.
More like,
'My arms miss holding you,
and my Body misses feeling your Body against it when we hug,
and my ears miss hearing your voce and your laugh,
and my eyes miss seeing you.'
In that kind of way.
15 June 2012
Thinking
I think that if I thought about the things I really need to think about... the Despair would consume me. There's so much much pain wrapped up in these things that I don't allow myself to think about... I feel as if a shadow waits on the edge of my Consciousness....
It's frightening to think about the things I don't allow myself to think about because I know things will only get worse the longer I wait and no, they won't resolve on their own, and no, I don't think I'll ever really be ready to face them and yes, it will Hurt... but my Soul will never know Peace until I have tried.
Ok. Back to not thinking about things I don't allow myself to think about.
It's frightening to think about the things I don't allow myself to think about because I know things will only get worse the longer I wait and no, they won't resolve on their own, and no, I don't think I'll ever really be ready to face them and yes, it will Hurt... but my Soul will never know Peace until I have tried.
Ok. Back to not thinking about things I don't allow myself to think about.
10 June 2012
Today Is Not For Myself
This is my graduation speech. I'll put it on Youtube in a bit.
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When I decided to transfer to The Evergreen State College, I honestly had NO idea what I was getting myself into. I traded the soul-cushing conservatism of the Florida swamps for the psuedo-liberalism of the rainy Pacific Northwest. It was a shock--not only does the Sun disappear in October and might show up by mid-May, but my Southern straight-forwardness and attitude was not readily welcome. But like a good Gemini, I adapted. I take my vitamin D supplements religiously, my vocabulary now includes things like 'gluten-free' and 'trustfundarian' and my ability to have compassion for others has grown.
On a day like today, I look around this room and I see the people who comprise my Community. All of you have left a mark on my experience, whether either of us knows it or not. Some are good, some not so good... and still others who I could not have imagined making it this far without. On a day like today, I look around this room for faces that I know are not here. My natal family. I hope that in the future, the compassion I have uncovered within myself will help rebuild those bridges.
On a day like today... I know it is not for myself.
This day is for my mother, who endured the Horrors of a childhood of poverty and abuse and escaped, only to fall in the open arms of Uncle Sam and his military industrial complex. For my mother through who I saw an experienced the pain and neglect the US government--my government--inflicts upon the bodies of poor women of colour. For my mother, who I can never look in the mirror without seeing, because I have her face. For my mother, who showed me that yes, leaving behind your home can be frightening, but sometimes it's necessary in order to find yourself. Today is for you Maisy.
Hoy es para mi papa who came into my life when I was four, and who I called 'Puppy', because I couldn't pronounce 'Papi' (Spanish for dad). Para mi papa, whose kindness and gentle smile brightened a dark childhood. Para mi papa, who taught me that food is culture and food is love. Para mi papa, who showed me that family is not always something you are born into; it's something you can create. Hoy es para ti papa.
Today is for my sister, Carmen, who I didn't really like for the first eighteen years of her life (She's 20 now.) For my sister, with whom I fought with and beat up on in the hopes that she would leave me alone (she didn't). For my sister, who always tried to reach out for Love, and I so often snubbed. For my sister, who I have had the honour of watching grow into a beautiful young woman, and become a fierce mama. For my sister, who endures so much hardship and inspires me so much with her Strength. I would do anything for you, all you need to do is ask. Today is for you Tita.
Today is for Baby Leo, my sister's child, who I remember holding for the first time and seeing the dark fierceness in their eyes. And I fell in love. For Baby Leo, who had the will to survive. For Baby Leo, whose cries make my Heart ache and their laugh makes my spirit soar. For baby Leo, so your path may be made a little easier. For Baby Leo, who I haven't seen in nearly a year, but my Heart tells me the distance between us will be bridged with time. Today is for you , little one.
Today is for my children.
Today is for my little cousins.
Today is for my grandmother, and my late grandfather.
Today is for my ancestors.
Today is for me... because I never thought I would make it to this day, and I wouldn't have, without you....
------------
When I decided to transfer to The Evergreen State College, I honestly had NO idea what I was getting myself into. I traded the soul-cushing conservatism of the Florida swamps for the psuedo-liberalism of the rainy Pacific Northwest. It was a shock--not only does the Sun disappear in October and might show up by mid-May, but my Southern straight-forwardness and attitude was not readily welcome. But like a good Gemini, I adapted. I take my vitamin D supplements religiously, my vocabulary now includes things like 'gluten-free' and 'trustfundarian' and my ability to have compassion for others has grown.
On a day like today, I look around this room and I see the people who comprise my Community. All of you have left a mark on my experience, whether either of us knows it or not. Some are good, some not so good... and still others who I could not have imagined making it this far without. On a day like today, I look around this room for faces that I know are not here. My natal family. I hope that in the future, the compassion I have uncovered within myself will help rebuild those bridges.
On a day like today... I know it is not for myself.
This day is for my mother, who endured the Horrors of a childhood of poverty and abuse and escaped, only to fall in the open arms of Uncle Sam and his military industrial complex. For my mother through who I saw an experienced the pain and neglect the US government--my government--inflicts upon the bodies of poor women of colour. For my mother, who I can never look in the mirror without seeing, because I have her face. For my mother, who showed me that yes, leaving behind your home can be frightening, but sometimes it's necessary in order to find yourself. Today is for you Maisy.
Hoy es para mi papa who came into my life when I was four, and who I called 'Puppy', because I couldn't pronounce 'Papi' (Spanish for dad). Para mi papa, whose kindness and gentle smile brightened a dark childhood. Para mi papa, who taught me that food is culture and food is love. Para mi papa, who showed me that family is not always something you are born into; it's something you can create. Hoy es para ti papa.
Today is for my sister, Carmen, who I didn't really like for the first eighteen years of her life (She's 20 now.) For my sister, with whom I fought with and beat up on in the hopes that she would leave me alone (she didn't). For my sister, who always tried to reach out for Love, and I so often snubbed. For my sister, who I have had the honour of watching grow into a beautiful young woman, and become a fierce mama. For my sister, who endures so much hardship and inspires me so much with her Strength. I would do anything for you, all you need to do is ask. Today is for you Tita.
Today is for Baby Leo, my sister's child, who I remember holding for the first time and seeing the dark fierceness in their eyes. And I fell in love. For Baby Leo, who had the will to survive. For Baby Leo, whose cries make my Heart ache and their laugh makes my spirit soar. For baby Leo, so your path may be made a little easier. For Baby Leo, who I haven't seen in nearly a year, but my Heart tells me the distance between us will be bridged with time. Today is for you , little one.
Today is for my children.
Today is for my little cousins.
Today is for my grandmother, and my late grandfather.
Today is for my ancestors.
Today is for me... because I never thought I would make it to this day, and I wouldn't have, without you....
05 June 2012
Birthday Reflections
It's that time of year again.... I wonder if every birthday will be as tumultuous as this one. :/ Sometime sI fear I think too much, even for an Introverted Gemini... and then I think that I think about thinking too much and then I just get really frustrated and stare at the clouds and think about flowers or the beach and it gets a little easier to bear.
Today was a really tough day. It's been a tough quarter. It's been a tough year. It's been tough in general living in Olympia... but I digress. I need to reflect on how far I've come in achieving my New Year's Resolution, "Get Fit: Mind, Body, Soul".
Body-Mind:
Good Job!
1) Coming out trans* has really helped align my mental image to my physical expression
2) I'm finally beginning to let go of the Beach Culture mentality. Beginning, cause that was 15 years worth of brainwashing
3) I'm eating better, which helps me function in a less grouchy capacity
Step It Up!!
1) I need to start doing more physical activity
2) I need to start expanding my gluten-free, dairy-free kitchen skills
3) I need to eat more, in general.
Mind-Soul:
Good Job!
1) I have redistributed my energy so that I don't burn out
2) I am working with orgs that I have a reciprocal relationship with
3) I am living in the moment more often
Step It Up!!
1) I need to do more writing!
2) I need to do more creative expression
3) I need to do more constructive thinking
Body-Soul:
Good Job!
1) Coming out as trans*. What a stressor that shit is bottled up
2) I am thinking more critically about what events brought me to this place in my Life
3) I am working on letting past shit go
Step It Up!!
1) I need to reach back and reconnect with old friends
2) I need to listen more to my Intuition
3) I need to re-prioritise so that people and things aren't weighing me down
Seeing this written down... I acknowledge the strides I've made in the last six months, but I can honestly say I've been really lazy. I feel, though, that with so many of my obligations coming to an end with the closing of the academic year, that I'm going to have a lot of space and time to reorganise. I feel like I'm getting ready to be taken on a wild ride and I wanna make sure I've brought my lunch.....