I remember being a kid and someone would say something nice about me, and I would freeze up or get self-conscious or push the compliment away. I still do these things, and I work continuously to see the good things in and about myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to accept a complement with grace and elegance....
This evening, I had folks give me positive affirmations. Many of them were things I've heard before, witch gives me hope that i'm doing something right. :deep sigh: And there was one comment in particular that was really... it really resonated with me. It felt like the sound and vibrations when someone hits a huge gong.
I try to give positive affirmations to my friends and loved ones, and many of them seem to be in the same rut that I'm in, in not knowing how to take a damn complement. I'm gonna keep on trying, and I hope I won't be written off as a bad job either. :)
I think I'll start writing positive affirmations about myself, even it it's something small like, "I really appreciate you maintaining self control and not throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery because I only let you get two kinds of gluten-free cereal," or "I really appreciate you logging off Tumblr, because it was 3AM."
Positive reinforcement, positive affirmations.
31 May 2012
27 May 2012
Unreadable
I've just been told (again) that folks have a hard time gauging where I'm at emotionally.
A few years ago, this would have been a compliment. Now... it's an annoyance.
Someone brought up the point though, that it most likely goes back to the home, and what folks were like as I was growing up. For sure, stoicism above all else. Emotion was (and still is) viewed as a weakness in my family, and there was no space for weakness.
It's interesting that as I take back my sensitivity, some folks are still having a hard time reading me. Mmm... Maybe it's because I'm super attentive to body language and energies, that I can read the people I care about fairly easy.
Keep up, eh?
A few years ago, this would have been a compliment. Now... it's an annoyance.
Someone brought up the point though, that it most likely goes back to the home, and what folks were like as I was growing up. For sure, stoicism above all else. Emotion was (and still is) viewed as a weakness in my family, and there was no space for weakness.
It's interesting that as I take back my sensitivity, some folks are still having a hard time reading me. Mmm... Maybe it's because I'm super attentive to body language and energies, that I can read the people I care about fairly easy.
Keep up, eh?
21 May 2012
Respect
These last few weeks, I've had the word 'respect' hurled in my face numerous. The hurling has been done by individuals I don't particularly care for. However, I have been reflecting on my evolving relationship with the word respect.
I can honestly say my mother's attempts to teach me respect as a child failed. Sorry Maisy. I behaved respectfully towards adults, as a child, but never had any models of respect looked like. It wasn't until I was in high school that I was given respect by my own rights. Only then did I truly learn what is was and was able to give and show respect for others
As I've gotten older, my threshold for bullshit has lessened along with my ability to maintain respect for assholes. I say that as if I had such a huge capacity for it before ... Anyway....
These past few months have shown a record-low in tolerance of ignorance and asshattery. My temper is short and my willingness to accommodate idiots is even shorter. Which might have led certain individuals to find my behaviour 'disrespectful'. I cna't help but scoff because these individuals who have been subject to my 'disrespect' are also finding themselves experiencing a break with their reality and bumping up against their privilege(s). It's always difficult to imagine Life through another's lens and when folks realise that everything is not as it seems, it (naturally) rocks their boat. Also, I recognise the signs because I've been working through the areas I hold privilege and as an agent, it's reflex to deflect and project our feelings and actions of discomfort onto the target group. Been there, done that, and I'm even taking a program where I get to see others work out their shit three times a week!
This is normally the part of the essay where I give unsolicited advice, but I'm really working on not doing that anymore. So I guess I'll just say, I hope they get where they need to be along the awareness spectrum. I'm not responsible for the education and/or consciousness of others. I'm letting it go.
I can honestly say my mother's attempts to teach me respect as a child failed. Sorry Maisy. I behaved respectfully towards adults, as a child, but never had any models of respect looked like. It wasn't until I was in high school that I was given respect by my own rights. Only then did I truly learn what is was and was able to give and show respect for others
As I've gotten older, my threshold for bullshit has lessened along with my ability to maintain respect for assholes. I say that as if I had such a huge capacity for it before ... Anyway....
These past few months have shown a record-low in tolerance of ignorance and asshattery. My temper is short and my willingness to accommodate idiots is even shorter. Which might have led certain individuals to find my behaviour 'disrespectful'. I cna't help but scoff because these individuals who have been subject to my 'disrespect' are also finding themselves experiencing a break with their reality and bumping up against their privilege(s). It's always difficult to imagine Life through another's lens and when folks realise that everything is not as it seems, it (naturally) rocks their boat. Also, I recognise the signs because I've been working through the areas I hold privilege and as an agent, it's reflex to deflect and project our feelings and actions of discomfort onto the target group. Been there, done that, and I'm even taking a program where I get to see others work out their shit three times a week!
This is normally the part of the essay where I give unsolicited advice, but I'm really working on not doing that anymore. So I guess I'll just say, I hope they get where they need to be along the awareness spectrum. I'm not responsible for the education and/or consciousness of others. I'm letting it go.
18 May 2012
Technology
Sometimes, I feel greedy with technology. I want to access everything--social networking sites, news & information sites, my blogs--all at once.
It's an ugly thing, and nothing like myself. I've been really agitated lately, and not writing enough. I think I need to go on a long walk this weekend. And leave my phone at home. Texting makes me anxious. :/
It's an ugly thing, and nothing like myself. I've been really agitated lately, and not writing enough. I think I need to go on a long walk this weekend. And leave my phone at home. Texting makes me anxious. :/
Empty Words
I have this feeling that some folks who I encounter and interact with throughout my days only speak to 'placate' me or make themselves feel better.
My words to you: Save your breath and walk away from me. Your inauthenticity does not interest me.
My words to you: Save your breath and walk away from me. Your inauthenticity does not interest me.
17 May 2012
Snippets
These are parts of poems that are currently writing themselves in my head
1) In our Connection, there is heartbreak....
2) She's so lovely, but slowly shredding my Heart.
3) Your acknowledgement only makes me feel invisible
4) ... It felt like iI was seeing her for the first time, and she was finally seeing me.
5) She has my Soul, so completely I could not turn away from her without doing damage to myself.
-------
I will make these into poems or stories this Summer!
1) In our Connection, there is heartbreak....
2) She's so lovely, but slowly shredding my Heart.
3) Your acknowledgement only makes me feel invisible
4) ... It felt like iI was seeing her for the first time, and she was finally seeing me.
5) She has my Soul, so completely I could not turn away from her without doing damage to myself.
-------
I will make these into poems or stories this Summer!
16 May 2012
Virgos
I've spent the last year creating distance between myself and known Virgos. I found them fussy, controlling, and smothering. In the last three months or so, I've been changing my opinion.
I find that I grow older--twenty-five years, I know--I'm craving more stability and reliability. My Twin mentioned yesterday, as people age, they tend to take on more qualities of their moon. My moon is Scorpio, and while I have a wariness of Scorpios, I do admire their more positive attributes, such as determination, ambition and a certain ruthlessness when it comes to getting the job done. I find that I'm acquiring more of those. Or maybe, coming into those qualities.
And also, since Scorpios are water signs, they get along well with Earth signs, such as Virgos. :D
But I have three Virgos in my life right now, and I find that to be enough. Small steps.
I find that I grow older--twenty-five years, I know--I'm craving more stability and reliability. My Twin mentioned yesterday, as people age, they tend to take on more qualities of their moon. My moon is Scorpio, and while I have a wariness of Scorpios, I do admire their more positive attributes, such as determination, ambition and a certain ruthlessness when it comes to getting the job done. I find that I'm acquiring more of those. Or maybe, coming into those qualities.
And also, since Scorpios are water signs, they get along well with Earth signs, such as Virgos. :D
But I have three Virgos in my life right now, and I find that to be enough. Small steps.
Peace of Mind
I've noticed lately, that all of my dandelion iwishes have been for peace of mind. Which makes me think hard about how I seem to be lacking it as of late, and how can I get it back.
I think the first question is to ask myself what peace of mind is. And then we can go from there.....
I think the first question is to ask myself what peace of mind is. And then we can go from there.....
13 May 2012
West Side Reflections
I was strolling along Harrison, walking towards Division and the #49 downtown, and thinking about Love. It's been a hot topic on my mind in the last month or so. But not in the "OMG I need a brand new lover!" kind of way. More like the "Why do we fall in love?" way.
I'm speaking in the romantic Love kind of way, for this post at least. Also, I recognise not everyone has romantic emotions towards others. I'm talking about those with the want to find romantic Love.
Why do we fall in Love? What does it mean, that we have this emotion towards someone? Where does it come from, and where does it go when we fall 'out of Love'? Do we ever really fall out of Love with someone, or do they always carry a piece of our Heart?
I think the biggest question I stumbled over was, Why do we keep searching for Love after Heartbreak? Because it Hurts, it Hurts so much, to have all of this emotion for someone and they don't return it. Why would we put ourselves through the emotional tumult again (and again and again)? Is the lure and thrill of Love so much that we would risk our Hearts again? Is Love a drug? Are we addicted?
Am I addicted? Do I crave it---
No. I don't. It's nice when I stumble upon it, but to quote Bono, "I've had enough of romantic love. I give it up...." I'd rather redistribute my energy to building up my resume with volunteer work.
Now, a cuddle buddy. We can definitely talk.......
I'm speaking in the romantic Love kind of way, for this post at least. Also, I recognise not everyone has romantic emotions towards others. I'm talking about those with the want to find romantic Love.
Why do we fall in Love? What does it mean, that we have this emotion towards someone? Where does it come from, and where does it go when we fall 'out of Love'? Do we ever really fall out of Love with someone, or do they always carry a piece of our Heart?
I think the biggest question I stumbled over was, Why do we keep searching for Love after Heartbreak? Because it Hurts, it Hurts so much, to have all of this emotion for someone and they don't return it. Why would we put ourselves through the emotional tumult again (and again and again)? Is the lure and thrill of Love so much that we would risk our Hearts again? Is Love a drug? Are we addicted?
Am I addicted? Do I crave it---
No. I don't. It's nice when I stumble upon it, but to quote Bono, "I've had enough of romantic love. I give it up...." I'd rather redistribute my energy to building up my resume with volunteer work.
Now, a cuddle buddy. We can definitely talk.......
07 May 2012
Splinters
I have a splinter in my hand. It reminds me of being a kid and scooting on my butt across hardwood floors. I remember almost getting splinters in my butt. Luckily I never did. I was always terrible about getting wood chips out of my fingers; I can't imagine the racket I would have made for wood in my butt. :D
06 May 2012
Gray Relationship
I decided to turn this stream of consciousness into a poem. I think it's better in this format, and also much more personal. Here goes....
------------------------
You know, when you just feel that connexion with someone, before you even meet them.
You wait six months before you can have an actual conversation,
and when you do... it's like rocketfire, it clicks so easily.
But you feel like you're taking more than you're giving...
And then there comes a time when they need you, and you realise
just how much you've given.
Slowly time passes
and you're becoming closer without realising it.
Next thing you know, you're reading their body language so well that words get in the way.
The way they hold their shoulders or the tilt of their head tells you all you need to know,
And you respond,
Without thinking.
Because it's what they need.
You weave in and out of love and affection,
And it's a gray, nuanced kind of relationship.
But that's ok, as long as it's gray with a little bit of violet.
------------------------
You know, when you just feel that connexion with someone, before you even meet them.
You wait six months before you can have an actual conversation,
and when you do... it's like rocketfire, it clicks so easily.
But you feel like you're taking more than you're giving...
And then there comes a time when they need you, and you realise
just how much you've given.
Slowly time passes
and you're becoming closer without realising it.
Next thing you know, you're reading their body language so well that words get in the way.
The way they hold their shoulders or the tilt of their head tells you all you need to know,
And you respond,
Without thinking.
Because it's what they need.
You weave in and out of love and affection,
And it's a gray, nuanced kind of relationship.
But that's ok, as long as it's gray with a little bit of violet.
01 May 2012
Affection
I was making my dinner, like five seconds ago, when I was struck by inspiration!!
I've been contemplating actions and words, which of them speaks louder, how do text messages (a mixture of words and the action of sending the words) come into play (?__?), and how I show affection to others and how I like to be shown affection.
When I want to show affection for someone, I turn to food. I give food, I want to cook together, I want to eat with them. I love cooking, it re-centers me and why not do something productive while chilling out (i.e. make dinner!). I'm also physically affectionate (consensually). I like to give people little gifts, something I know they will appreciate. Usually a food item. XP But this got me thinking: are food and hugs and gifts really representative of my affection and love for people? I tell them how I feel about them (friends, family, lovers), but I think a lot has to do with how the receiver interprets my words. And also my actions... It's complicated, because I can mean something completely different than is perceived.... Something to think about for the future.
As I was chopping onions, I was thinking about how I like to be shown affection. Hugs are ok (consensually), food is nice, gifts are nice, but they feel somewhat hollow.... I want something more. And then it came to me and I almost dropped the food processor: time. When someone gives me their time. Giving your self and your time to me speaks louder than a thousand gifts. There's something about the intention of taking time away from your busy schedule and your responsibilities, when you could be doing a thousand other things, and you've chosen to be with me. It gives me an actual physical representationof my importance in your life. I think it's something I didn't get much of as a kid, cause my parents worked super long shifts and double shifts..... Childhood rearing its ugly head. >.<
I also recognise that I'm really intentional about spending time with those I care about. Haha, I cna't believe it's taken me so long to figure it out....
Now I just have to convey this, eloquently. -___-
I've been contemplating actions and words, which of them speaks louder, how do text messages (a mixture of words and the action of sending the words) come into play (?__?), and how I show affection to others and how I like to be shown affection.
When I want to show affection for someone, I turn to food. I give food, I want to cook together, I want to eat with them. I love cooking, it re-centers me and why not do something productive while chilling out (i.e. make dinner!). I'm also physically affectionate (consensually). I like to give people little gifts, something I know they will appreciate. Usually a food item. XP But this got me thinking: are food and hugs and gifts really representative of my affection and love for people? I tell them how I feel about them (friends, family, lovers), but I think a lot has to do with how the receiver interprets my words. And also my actions... It's complicated, because I can mean something completely different than is perceived.... Something to think about for the future.
As I was chopping onions, I was thinking about how I like to be shown affection. Hugs are ok (consensually), food is nice, gifts are nice, but they feel somewhat hollow.... I want something more. And then it came to me and I almost dropped the food processor: time. When someone gives me their time. Giving your self and your time to me speaks louder than a thousand gifts. There's something about the intention of taking time away from your busy schedule and your responsibilities, when you could be doing a thousand other things, and you've chosen to be with me. It gives me an actual physical representationof my importance in your life. I think it's something I didn't get much of as a kid, cause my parents worked super long shifts and double shifts..... Childhood rearing its ugly head. >.<
I also recognise that I'm really intentional about spending time with those I care about. Haha, I cna't believe it's taken me so long to figure it out....
Now I just have to convey this, eloquently. -___-