Obligation

I've noticed lately that I've been doing a lot of things because I feel obligated to one or more individuals involved in that particular organisation....  I don't like this feeling. I'm very used to putting myself before all others.  Maybe this is maturity or compassion or some other such nonsense....?  I don't like it.

Let's start with the Queer People of Colour student org I'm co-coordinator for.  I've long since had the desire to leave.  Like since October when I saw the warning signs of my co-cordinator disappearing just like the did last year.  But I knew just how the org would crumble if I left too.  So I stayed.  And I have been staying and giving my energy (however half-heartedly) over the past eight, nine weeks.  I already have successor in place, I just need it to be 16 December so I can officially hand the baton over. -__-

Next we can touch on MECh@ de Evergreen.  ... this is even more painful than QPOC.  Where to begin....  Well I can start by saying I anticipated the... difficulties that have arisen in MECh@, but not to the degree that they've risen to.  It's actually kind of ridiculous how tense and how much double-talking and sugar coating is going on in this group.  Familia my ass.  Or rather exactly like my familia, where we can be talking for hours and saying nothing at all.  In my humble opinion, there needs to be a hard shakedown of the leadership and a candid discussion about what MECh@ is and how it can function, rather than dragging this poor, half-dead org behind us. My biggest concern, is who will be able to actually voice their discontent, and whether those who need to hear it most can actually set aside their Pride and LISTEN.  IMHO, that's not going to truly happen.  Poor MECh@.  This is the org that truly makes me sad to see it's disintegration. V__V

What both of these orgs has taught me throughout this quarter is the depth of my patience, perseverance and dedication.  I realise that I cannot stay because 'it's a real-life lesson' or because 'I feel I have to due to commitments' or because 'it would fall apart without me'.  Hell's no!!  People gotta learn how to function.  I cannot and will not spread myself thin in order for slackers to thrive.  It happens way too often already, and I'm working my ass off to survive.  But I digress...

What I've learnt most this quarter is how to ration my time.  And to definitely not waste my precious time and energy on orgs or (more specifically) people who don't want me there and won't appreciate my efforts. That's a quick route to burnout and that happens far too often in the social justise community.  From now I need to be more selective about how and on what I dedicate my energies to.

That's the biggest task.  It's so easy for me to be swayed.... I need to dig in my toes and find one cause (ok, no more than three) to give myself to.  Hmm.....