Distraction

My mind is not my own.  Whose it it now?  When you know, let me know....

I'm looking around me at Olympia, at the people and the places, and I'm struck by how small it all is.  And then I think "I'm a woman," and it shrinks a bit, and then I think, "I'm Black," and it shrinks a bit more, and then I think "I'm queer," and it's nearly touching my sides.  But it doesn't feel stifling.  I feel like... I'm ready to run.  Like I'm humming with energy; all I need is an appropriate outlet to channel it through.

I'm bored.  Academically speaking.  I thought I would be engaged here, but I'm not.  At least at UCF there was a chance that one of the four courses would provide something of interest.  But maybe it's a lull in the quarter, maybe it's the people I have lecture and seminar with.  And maybe it's the weather, which is turning gray.  I need more sweaters.

I'm tired. I need to go to bed.  But I am restless, distracted if you will.  Words aren't working to quiet my mind.  I am overflowing with thoughts and ideas, and ponderings as to what others around me are feeling, thinking, wishing for.  Sometimes I wish I were telepathic so that I could have a window into others' minds.   I can feel the distress of some of the people around me, but I don't know what the root of it is.  Curious, always so curious.

Sometimes I wish I could help everyone.  I wish I had the ability to be that outlet that people need; the Listener.  I want to listen to what people have to say and process it for myself.  I don't think I'd give advice, because all too often people don't want it.  They just want to talk and think out loud with another warm body in the room.  But they don't want judgement.  Just ears.

Quieting.  My mind is beginning to settle.  Only a few thoughts remain to bounce and that is no surprise to me.  I wake up with thoughts half-formed and already drying.  I wonder what it would be like to not be thinking all of the time.  To have a quiet consciousness.  To simply observe and not process or compare or predict.  To just be.  Never gonna happen in my mind.

There are so many people to know and so many interesting things to do.  Sleep is ocming.  I wish there was more time, and more me's to go around.  Sometimes I stop and think about all of the people I am not going to have the opp to meet in this lifetime, and all the things I'm going to miss out on.  It doesn't make me sad, just hopeful that I will be able to have another go.

I've been thinking and introflecting really hard.  And then my book arrived and it's putting everything down concretely, asking the really good questions that get my words flowing like a river.  :)

I wonder where I'll be in two months.  I'm giving everything two months to settle in and then I'll re-evaluate.  Well, I say two months but I'll be lucky if I can keep my sanity for two weeks.  It's a day-to-day thing and I'm barely keeping the lid on.  It's like a pot of rice threatening to boil over.  The mess takes forever to clean up.  But so does oatmeal in the microwave.  Maybe it's a starch thing....

I am sad because those around me are sad.  I feel the energy radiating off of them.  It's amazing how we humans can put on a good face, but are crying inside.  I can feel it.  It knocks me off balance.  I want to give hugs to everyone.  I crave the physical contact as reassurance, even though the sorrow is not my own.

I still cannot articulate the attraction.  It seems to be everything and nothing, all at once.  Is it the lure of grief?  Am I in fix-it mode?  Maybe we're mirrors?

It's a Triangle.  My favourite shape.  I think it's interesting how these things happen. Maybe more serendipitous....  Everything happens for a reason.  Not my particular belief but sometimes I think it.

My mind is emptied.  Time for bed. :)  And no, I will not know half of the stuff I referenced in this post.  The woes of clear-mindedness at 2AM on a Wednesday.