Loving When It Gets Complicated

I talked with my cuz yesterday about a very complex relationship I have with a friend.  It's been an up and down kind of thin for the last three years, emotions running high and sideways, Love growing and changing, reshaping and stretching me more than I thought possible when everything began.

I said I would be there for them, and I'm beginning to question if that's a healthy realistic possibility. I have a strong sense of duty and commitment when I say I'm going to do something, but I'm wondering when is it time to quit? Esp when my mental and emotional health have been ravaged during the course of this relationship.

I'm wondering how to communicate my changing and growing needs with this person, or if my silence will speak for itself...?

Can I challenge myself to give space for my Heart to Heal and Process some of the toxicity that's been growing between us, or do I take the risk of my mental and emotional health to talk it out yet again? Is it worth it when we talk and talk and talk without really saying anything?

Confined/Options

I was riding the 605 through Nisqually, looking out at the sunset, and thinking about how confined I've felt for the past year.  And about how I have a tendency to wait for folks before I make decisions, tot he point where nothing happens.  And I got really angry--which has been happening more frequently--and frustrated with myself for becoming so complacent and dependent.

I'm tired of waiting for people, and I'm not going to do it anymore. I feel like I've lost a bit of myself while sitting here waiting for things to happen to me rather than making things happen.  I have too much to do.

So I am casting out a wide net, job hunting with ferocity, hitting people up for favours, taking people up on their offers of help, shamelessly trying to get my ass out of the Northwest because I've realised it's killing me in much the same way Orlando almost did. Slowly sinking into a listless depression, thinking that I didn't have options or that I had reached the apex of my potential and was already in decline.

I'm not about that this time.

I have too much shit to do to waste any more time in this little town.

Co-Parenting

crosspost with CMQ

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I have baby fever. It's not like it's exactly a secret--ask my friends.  I've been thinking seriously about things for awhile now--shit that went on in my childhood and healing through those hurts so that I can be more present for my own kids; where I want to raise my kiddos so that they will have access to culture, community and a variety of different resources as they learn and grow; the values and lessons I want to raise my children with.

I should probably start thinking seriously about whether I actually want to birth babies. That's going to take more intentional planning since that means finding a doc who's trans* friendly and competent as well as sperm and shit.

:le sigh:

I've been thinking seriously about all of this because I recently found someone who I seriously want to co-parent with. Their temperament and personality complement mine.  We communicate well. And we rub along easily together.  The bonus is I saw them around a child and

:deep breath:

it's e x a c t l y what I'm looking for. The light in their eyes and the focus on the child... :domestic swoon:  I can't even, because it was so perfect and exactly what I've been looking for.

Now the difficult part is getting up the courage to share my grand idea with them.  I mean, this isn't something I can bring up on a whim. How does one go about asking another person to co-parent with them?  This is harder than asking someone out, because the level of commitment is just so great. This is a lifetime we'd be committing to  each other....

Shit just got so real. >___<

Kindness Crush

I have this friend who is known for their kindness and generosity.  We're not super close but always friendly.

So recently I hit this friend up with a place to stay while I was traveling, and was all but floored

--no, pretty sure I was completely floored, like writhing on the ground with shock--

when they opened up their home so readily and graciously, esp since we'd only hung out in groups while we lived in Oly.  And during this conversation discussing arrival times, things to do, and other travel-y things, they asked how I was.  And it was the sincere kind of asking, not the 'I don't want this to just be some awkward travel-y update'.  I'd forgotten that that's their signature.

And this little bubble grew in my chest, and I'm calling it a kindness crush.  It's the kind of crush where I'm just so in awe at how giving and open they are with what they have.

I'm going to hold onto this pinkish-purple kindness crush bubble and keep it close to my Heart as I ready myself to travel back into the gloomy fog of the PNW.

Vaccinating My Children

Last night during an Oly Nanny Co-op meet'n'greet, one of the parents asked if we will accept children who have not been vaccinated. It was a good question, because I've worked primarily in childcare settings in Florida, where I don't know if we ever encountered a family who had not vaccinated.

And I started thinking if I would vaccinate my own child and kids that I co-parent....

I have read a little about it, seen a lot of negative media about it--which I'm still rolling my eyes at--and I think I will probably always vaccinate.  I'm not necessarily pro-vaccination because of health reasons or anti anyone who doesn't.  I just know that I will be raising Black children and/or mixed race Black children.  I know enough about how the medical industrial complex has treated Black bodies and it continues to treat them and people of colour today. It makes me intensely wary of what type of treatment potentially sick kids of mine would receive and the quality of that treatment.

I'm not willing to put my kids and family through that.

Melanin

I love my Black skin.

I love hat it remembers how to greet the Sun, even when they don't meet for most of the years.

I love the red undertones, a nod to the solidarity with which my Native ancestors stood by my African ones.

This darkness that envelops me is

Strength

Knowledge

Perseverance

Determination

Survival

Love

Pride

Power.

Loving Libras

I recently read a quote by James Baldwin that read,

"Love does not begin and end the way we think it does. Love is a battle. Love is war. Love is growing up."

Ever since, I've been thinking a lot of how I have loved in my lifetime and the ways in which I love have changed since coming to the PNW.

I think I love differently, more deeply because I am able to recognise the hurts and traumas  that I carry that get in the way of Loving.

My Libra has helped a lot with that.

I should express my gratitude more.