Apologies

Apologising is hard.

And it gets harder to do when I reflect and recognise that by letting my Pride get in the way, I have let go of important relationships.

I know it's part of the trauma of my past, and the past of my foremothers.

But I recognise the part I play in this unhealthy behaviour.

In part of my New Year's theme of 'Family and Re-Connecting', I'm thinking more critically about the relationships I have let go, and the part I played in their disintegration.

I'm going to be working harder to push myself to move past my Pride and own my shit and say what needs to be said.

Especially if it's hard.

boundaries w stinky

It's been a huge struggle to establish healthy boundaries with my younger sister, stinky, bc we’re just now beginning to develop a relationship with each other that isn’t antagonistic/abusive.

she’s been in a really rough spot these past two years and I feel wrestle with feelings of guilt and helplessness at not being able to support her in person (like being able to cook her dinner after a long day).

tonight we were on the phone and Lil Leo was in the background, whining because stinky wouldn’t let him hold the phone.  The whining quickly escalated to actual crying as my sister told him to shut up or she was going to spank him. 

I’ve spoken with her before about how it makes me uncomfortable when she yells at Leo, but this is the first time she’s mentioned spanking him.  And my stomach went cold, as I flashed back to our childhood and the physical violence that went on.  I literally froze as a flashback of one of my beatings played out in my mind.

I told her calmly that I didn’t like the way she was talking to Leo, and that we should talk at a later time so she could take care of him and calm him down.

I stared at the phone for a good minute, wondering what was happening 3,000 miles away in a little Florida town.  

I still feel unsettled/guilty about having to cut our talk short, esp because she sounded sad as i hung up. I know that if I had stayed on the line, I would have gotten really upset and probably acted out some of my frustration and hurt at my/our fucked up childhood on her.

I’l follow up in a few days and articulate a little more clearly what I was feeling, why I said what I said.  In the meantime though, I’m going to work on getting my head back into the present.

Korriander the Kitty

I was waiting at the bus stop today and this tan & white kitty comes and lays in the grass nearby. Normally I retrain myself around cats—it’s my inner cat—but I checked in with my Intuition and got the green light so I went over to pet it.  

They were skeletal.  My Heart broke a little bit as I rubbed their back and felt every single vertebrae. I could feel the outline of their skull as I scratched between their ears.

And they were the sweetest! A purr machine of overflowing love. I debated whetehr or not to carry them home bc 1) I don’t like taking cats from their general areas, even though I live a few blocks away and 2) my roommate has no-joke allergies to cats. A third reason is I have allergies to cats, but I’m totally willing to Neti-Pot the hell out of my sinuses if it means I can rub a kitty’s tummy.

In the end I went to the grocery and bought kitty food and about an hour later went back tot he busstop with the food and a container of water to try and find them.  After circling the block and loitering shamelessly at the busstop I spot the kitty in someone’s yard.  And the someones were on the porch, coaxing the kitty intot heir house. 

I stood for a second across the street, then headed home. My Intuition tells me that kitty found a new home.

Mercury in Retrograde

I've been having a hard time communicating, even with myself.

I've noticed a lack of inner dialogue. I haven't been wanting to talk aloud.

But that was like for the past two weeks.

Now I'm feeling my fingers itch to get back tot he keyboard.

I just need to find the motivation to actually log in more frequently...

Family

It's been a long rough road, and I know it's nowhere near the end, but I am healing the divide with my family.

It's taken me these three years to realise that the relationships--no mater how strained--are important and crucial to my survival. I've learnt so much while living in this alternate reality known as the Pacific Northwest, but I think it was the place I needed to be in order to learn these lessons.

To have the room to grow and develop my Self.

To have the space and time to learn how to listen to my Heart and what it tells me.

To feel the ache of longing when I can't hug my sisters or see my cousin's smile or hear my gramma's laugh.

This is the place I needed to be.

unwell

I've not been taking good care of myself.  I've been cooped up too long, and instead of getting outside like I ned, I've been lying in bed trying to distract myself.

Today I had to leave the house for a Dr appt (which was great btw) and then I walked downtown.  I stopped to read in that little park off the roundabout for an hour or so and it was great.  It was sunny and clear and I saw the floating cloud (aka Mt Rainer).  I think I even got a tan.

I'm going to make some goals for my days, esp since I have nothing to do outside of my home.  One of the goals will include 30 minutes of walking. An easy feat; I just need to do it to re-sync my mind heart and body.