Words of Wisdom

When I get down and frustrated at the leisurely pace my life seems to be taking at the moment, I need to remember Drake's words:

Don't get impatient when it takes too long, and drink it all even when it tastes too strong.

Words of wisdom....

Philosophy of Service Essay

I AM FINISHED!!  Here is the essay I birthed.  Hopefully it's spectacular enough to win me taht tuition waiver.

“Education remains the key to economic and political empowerment.” – Barbara Jordan

   

I, like the late Barbara Jordan, believe that education—formal and informal—gives individuals the tools they need to uncover the strength and motivation they need to excel. Through my work in various social justice-minded organizations, as well as independent efforts, I work to educate and empower individuals to create meaningful change in their lives, their communities, and our society.

 Since moving to Olympia in Fall 2010, I have been involved with Evergreen’s student community, most actively as a member of the Black Student Union (BSU) and as a coordinator of Queer People of Color (QPOC).  

   BSU makes it their mission to educate members about issues of oppression impacting their community, the importance of knowing African/Black history and promoting cultural awareness and pride. Through these types of education and consciousness-raising activities, members are encouraged to use their knowledge to educate their own individual communities—at Evergreen, within Olympia, their friends and families—so the that transfer of information continues.  

   During my time as a coordinator of QPOC, I was able to support and empower other self-identified qpoc on issues regarding their racial and cultural identities, and how their sexuality and gender influence this experience, particularly as they face racism and homo-/transphobia from the dominant culture. I will also continue to focus on addressing issues of sexuality, gender and homophobia with my peers in BSU. Only by constantly engaging and challenging stereotypes and prejudices can education and acceptance occur to bring our community closer.



   Although the discussions within the LGBTQ and Black community differ, the search for solutions to combat disenfranchisement and oppression are the same. Each community uses various strategies to reach their goals of equality. By working within both I can help highlight these commonalities and encourage members of these communities to work together to enact change. I remember what a pivotal time my adolescence was for my identity formation; I realize now how much more enriching my experiences could have been if I had had a mentor to guide me. In my future, I would like to work with Black LGBTQ youth. It is exceedingly difficult to be one's authentic self--even moreso when fighting against oppressions, such as racism and homo-/transphobia, among others. I want to be able to provide Black youth facing these challenges to be have a ready alternative example from the mainstream, someone who can guide them along the path to forming their own unique identities.

   As an out-of-state, low-income, independent student, each year—and increasing cuts to financial aid—it becomes increasingly difficult to continue my community involvement due to working extra hours while also balancing my academic and personal responsibilities. With this scholarship, I will be able to maintain my commitment to political and economic justice, secure in the knowledge that for my final year of undergraduate studies, I will not have to contend with financial stress.

Give Up

I'm at that point of anxiety where I want to give up.  Why should I try to write these scholarship essays when I know I'm not going to win any of them?  And then I'm going to have to find another place to live because I can't afford to be here without student loans and this lame campus job.  And I am in no way ready to re-enter the 'Real World'; I haven't built up my writing portfolio or my letters of recommendation.  Grad school anyone?  The economy's in the tank for White America; has anyone checked out the stats for the Black community? o__O  The Real World isn't generally nice to queers; can I really afford to take an even bigger hit for being Black, female-bodied and trans?

Ugh, not ready yet.

Ok, now that's that's out of my system....

Writing this out makes actually finishing these essays a little bit easier.  But I think I need a hug.  And a cookie. A Newman's Own peanut butter oreo to be precise.  Three hours till I can have that cokie.....

Vitamin D

After two days without my Vitamin D supplement, I'm realising how much my body actually needs it.

As I sit here, surreptitiously clipping my nails at the InfoDesk, I feel on the verge of bursting into tears.  This might also have something to do with my miserable class experience, the professor is so disorganised it's like a waste of $6000 of tuition and fees--a frustrating situation at the best of times, much less hen I see the Sun 10 hours a week, at the most.

I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with people.  It's times like these that I notice how few individuals I can truly confide in.  The people I could once turn to are... busy for lack of a better word.  This always seems to be the situation I end up in: never finding individuals with enough time, and having too much time on my own hands.  Hmm...

There's also this scholarship stress that's been exacerbated by this inopportune winter storm....  If I don't get the monies, I'll have to come up with another plan, that involves vacating the state.  Which despite my lack of love for WA, I'm not ready to leave.  I feel I still have something to learn or gain form this place.  Ugh, I cringe too.  But I keep being told I'll get the scholarships.  I hope those well wishes transpire into an actual award.  It's more than my livelihood riding on this money....

Ok. My nails are cut. Pity party is over. Now I need to focus on waht to pack for my trip back to the Lando of the Sun.

What If... All Your Dreams Came True?

I was cruising tumblr and this popped up on one of the numerous folks  follow, and it made me stop short.  What would I do if all of my dreams came true...?

- I'd have my Master's in History from some amazingly challenging and rewarding university

- I'd be living in NYC with an amazing life partner

- I'd be in closer with my sweet Noah, whom I haven't seen in almost two years.

- I'd have at least four adopted kids rolling around my super awesome brownstone

- I'd be working for a super awesome public radio station as an audio producer

- My sister and Baby Leo would be safe and happy and healthy

- My student loans would be absolved

Those are the first things I've come up with.  It really highlights where my head and Heart are at the moment.

Taking a Breather

I was reading articles written by queer youth in NYC--instead of writing my essay--and one youth said something that rang so true with me, and caused this tension I've been carrying around with me for years, to come to rest.  She said that after fighting with her mother about her sexuality and her mother staunchly refusing to accept her daughter's life choices, that she's taking a break from the relationship.

And there is the answer to all the riddles.

I don't know how my mother feels about my sexuality/identity, and at this point I really don't care. I'm a little more focused on how cruel she is being towards my sister.  That is something I cannot forgive, because it's been going on... some 12 years.  And it's absolutely unacceptable.  You just don't treat your children  (or any human) in that manner; it'd be more merciful to just ignore them. So I'm going to take a break form my mother.  I'm not sure the length of this separation, I just know that once I get the little ones out of the general Orlando area, I will be resting easy, with no reason to venture back to the Drrty South.

Orlando is like a bad ex-lover that just won't let go. I am ready to sever the ties.  So ready.

Heartbreak

Sometimes it's amazing when I realise how many people carry around pieces of my Heart.  Baby leo has a big one, and the kid doesn't even know.

Every time I hear him cry, it's like my Heart is being squeezed. He's fat and happy, but the circumstances aren't the best. And it breaks my Heart to know that people are treating my sister poorly and that it will impact his environment.

Unnecessary stress.

Abuse.

Neglect.

The usual in my family, but I had hoped time would heal, and perhaps would foster a bit of respect.  But Hope fails, and the feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming.  It's hard to feel like I can implement any type of change if I can't even care for my sister.  I wish... I wish for so many things.  Money.  Time. The ability to be diplomatic yet scathing when I enumerate the exact ways in which their cruelty and apathy have wounded me for far too long, and when they are old and in pain and in need, I will turn them away as they have done to me my entire Life.  Oh how I wish...

But I can't, because I must have some... compassion.  I'm working on it, but in situations like thee, it's very easy to lose my humanity and go on a psychotic rampage.  An ugly Gemini indeed.

The only thing that sustains me is escape.  Escape and the knowledge that once I am able, I will get my sister and Baby Leo out of that house, out of Florida (if they wish) and somewhere where they both can thrive.

But when will that day come?  Is it in the foreseeable future, because I can't see it. Right now my only lifeline is knowing that things are stabalised for now, and the fact that if I can write amazing scholarship essays, I will be able to use the money to get them out.  If I don't get them though...

Well, I'm a Gemini.  I'll figure something out.  :/

Winter Quarter

I can honestly say i'm not excited about my program this quarter, Exclusion In America: Who Belongs? Maybe I'm disillusioned with Evergreen's philosophy of teaching and learning the other bureaucratic garbage that sets in line with the other disappointing universities I've attended.  Or maybe I'm just over this majority white, privileged student body that I have to interact with and tolerate.  Or maybe the fact that my professor hasn't answered the email I sent her last week asking her for a few moments of her time to discuss the extra history credits I'd like to receive has gone ignored.  Maybe it's the fact that I am over Evergreen, ready to move on to bigger an more challenging things.

Yep, I think it's all of the above.  Oh well, as I do with most things in life, I'm gritting my teeth and bearing the pain.

As long as I come off with a letter of rec this quarter, and 18 credits, I'll try to keep my complaints to a minimum, or at least to myself.