?__?

I'm throwing down my cards; I am utterly and completely confuzzled by my current emotions. Initially I thought I could handle not knowing, but it turns out I didn't know what I thought I knew and now I'm just... I don't even know....

It makes me wonder... do we really stop loving people, esp when it was unrequited? Do we hold fast to Love in the hope that our Beloved will realise what we hold for them and return our Love?

Ever since I opened my mind, truly, to the fact that Love is not a finite commodity (read: polyamoury), things have been getting more and more confusing. This is definitely not something they teach in our white supremacist, patriarchal, capitalistic society. :/

Which leaves me in my current situation, where I still have feelings for Person A, but there is no chance of them being requited. And also have feelings for Person B, and those have yet to be cultivated.  I'm at a loss; my life experience hasn't earned me enough points to be able to solve this one alone. 

Hope

It's been a long process, but I've finally confronted the demons from my past relationship. The catalyst? Chris Brown's Deuces. Not the most positive/pc/sensible song, but it did the trick without me even realising it. I love when that happens; makes the process faster and less painful. :D

Because I have a new potential.... I have to find proper closure to the last partnership I was in. A final review, if you will, of things that caused the breakdown.  And there were quite a few. I'd like to say I do a good job of observing objectively, and I found fault with both myself and my former partner. But someone told me that you have to believe that no one purposefully wrecks havoc.  <-- I'm trying. -__-  No, but in all seriousness, I definitely learnt loads about myself and what I want/need/can tolerate.  Which leads me to the topic at hand...

I would call myself a prudent person, but I don't generally put this much energy into things.  I can usually spin a situation to my liking, but this is... different.  I fell like I'm stepping onto a chess board and every move counts. -__-

It's just that the person that I fancy, whom shall henceforth be refereed to as... Estel (Elvish for 'hope'),  seems a bit out of my league. Which is a really crass way to put it, but there you go. I'm going to have to step up my game a bit and be less lazy overall. Which is always challenging in itself, but I feel this will be good for me.

I felt this instant connection and curiosity when I first encountered Estel a few months back. It really was as if Cupid shot an arrow, and it wasn't the dainty kind we see for V-Day. This was the Hardcore Utility type that leaves a gaping maw in one's Heart.  And the wound is kind of festering, you know? Making me a bit antsy these days.... 

And also very reflective, in a deeper way than I usually do, which is curious in and of itself....  There's something about Estel... some Purity or some Light, that I can't quite put my finger on... Of course, it could be as my abuelito said, that I could be chasing an Idea rather than an actual individual.  But aren't we all just ideas and projections? Not only sacks of blood and humours, but of beliefs, values, and expectations that others have given to us? Are any of us really our own...? But I digress...

Estel has definitely gotten my attention. But the more pertinent question for is: do I have theirs?

Love

Love comes and goes, grows and changes, fades and dies. It's a never-ending cycle, and I wonder... Is Love really something that chooses us, or do we also play a part in Love? 

I know that Love can grow -- Proximity is the key to that.  But what about when people fall in Love? That whole 'Cupid's Arrow" and all.  Or can it be a combination of both...?

And what of platonic love?  Can that come about in the same ways?  And when does Love flip from one to the other, or can both exist simultaneously...?

Hmm...